Friday, December 07, 2007

Lost puppy

Yesterday I went to bed around 3am and I woke up three hours later. I spent my night talking with J.J. and though we didn't really talk about anything meaningful it was worth missing a few hours of sleep. Anyway. I feel as I have known J.J. like forever but actually we met when we were sixteen so it makes only four and half years. But in a way you could say that we grew up together. There was nothing in my life that I didn't share with him. He knows everything about me and he still likes me. So I can't be so bad, right?

So it's Friday today. My least favourite of days. At work M. asked if I drink alcohol and I said I'm a teetotaller. I wasn't really comfortable even mentioning it. It's still a tabu for me. I simply don't talk about it. I'm glad he didn't asked for my reasons. That would have been too much for me. I just want to live in my little bubble where everything is pure and beautiful. M. also asked if I have done drugs but he was only joking. But he should have asked me if I smoke. Since I do, only very rarely though.

Sometimes I can't stand the idea of being alone. And I knew that when I'll get home there is no one waiting for me. So I stayed some extra time at work to help O. and to keep him some company. I know it's like really pathetic but I just didn't wanted to go home. I also took the longest way home, just to postpone the actual homecoming. But eventually I did got home. And it was dark. And lonely.

I hate when my depression is really kicking in. Most of the times I can handle it but sometimes it just takes total control over me. I took a long hot shower to reboot myself. It helped. But I wish I wasn't this cracked. I feel like a lost puppy waiting someone to take me home.


  1. Where is Aleksi? :-)

    By the way I also saw your "acid rain" was interesting, i thought that was the new design...i am relieved...:-))

  2. Aleksi is never home on Fridays and Sundays. But I have said that he has to spend one weekend day with me too, so on Saturdays he's mostly with me :)

  3. Depression is hard. It's amazing how much one's thought processes and personality change when we start to drift into that sort of thing, and it's pretty challenging to pull yourself out of it.

    There's a time to be sad, to feel bad and things like that... but I don't think that being depressed helps in any way, even if it's hard for me to remember that when I start to drift into it.

    I find that the sooner you catch yourself the better... eating a bunch of natural foods, making yourself go out and be with people you like or do something that you love, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath while thinking about something beautiful.

    It's still hard, though. So many things out there to stress you out, to help you feel bad about yourself, to help you wonder what the point of anything is.

    You sound good though, I think that you're doing really well. =) I surfed in on the Ubuntu speedup train and I love your blog already; you have a really nice writing style.

  4. Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate that you took time to write me so nicely. I rarely get as nice comments as yours :)