Thursday, July 31, 2008

Always like this

Last weekend I watched Léon (the European cut of course) with J.R. It was the first time for him but I have seen it several times already since it's one of my favorite movies. Anyway. There is this one scene I have always loved. It's the one in which Mathilda asks Léon "Is life always this hard, or is it just when you're a kid?" and he answers "Always like this".

It's not that hard though, Mathilda.

And Léon is totally telling the truth. Life is always hard. I have this sort of a friend who's really open about what goes on in his life so he doesn't even bother to hide the fact that he's on antidepressants. Little while ago some girl turned him down because she thought he was somehow imbalanced and even dangerous. I've always thought he's totally harmless. He just says things out loud that normal people are not used to, and that's enough to scare some people away.

It's quite funny actually. How we always have to hide our dark side or otherwise we're like crazy. Why can't we just face it? We all have a dark side, out of doubt. Hiding it does not mean that it doesn't exist. My dark side, for example, is depressed, self-destructive and sometimes even suicidal. And I'm OK with that because I know it's just one side of me. And as long as there are other sides too I'm not worried.

Life is hard so, hell yeah, we get depressed once in a while. And if you get super duper depressed, you should be seeking for help. That's all.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I have nothing better to do at work so I code. And I'm still getting paid.

I have started to make another XHTML layout for Blogger. I'm not redesigning my blog, in case you were wondering. This template is for someone else. Anyway. I have already finished with coding. I only made some basic modifications to Minima, which is one of the Blogger default layouts by the way, so it only took like an half an hour. And another half an hour because I was trying to fix a bug that didn't even existed. Oh silly me.

But it feels weird to fool around with XHTML. I was quite good with CSS, at least when it came to Blogger templates. I was comfortable with it. I felt that there were no limits, everything was possible with style sheets. I totally knew how to get things done. With XHTML I feel satisfied if I manage to put my graphics where I want them to be and maybe change some font colors. I'm not creating anything new with XHTML, I'm just... modifying things. And that's totally lame.

Today morning I also managed to destroy my own layout. Blogger just makes it too easy. Fortunately I happened to have a backup so I was able to undo my mistake. But as soon as I get home I will out of doubt check that I have a proper backup stored on my computer.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I'm guilty for being bitchy

I said to Aleksi that I don't want to stay in touch anymore. It was really bitchy thing to do, I know. He had faith in me and I let him down. But I'm living with someone else so I have moved on, clearly. And I just couldn't saw myself sharing my "new life" with him. It would have been too awkward. In fact I can't see myself sharing anything with him. We stayed together for five years but I can't really imagine myself being friends with him. My friends are different.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Who died and made me boss?

My boss in on vacation and I'm in charge now. And I'm not sure if I like this since it's causing me stress. I'm not a particular fan of responsibility. I'm not really even working here and I'm somehow supposed to replace my boss with 20 years of experience! I already called her once and cried for help. I hope I don't have to bother her everyday. "I'm sorry to interrupt your vacation but this effing system once again failed to cooperate with me."

Sunday, July 20, 2008

An anatomy of a girlfriend and other tales

J.R. moved in. It was just a matter of time, though I guess everyone expected the time to come a bit later. Personally I think this time is as good as any other time. It's not like we met yesterday. I've seen enough and I'm sure everything will be fine. It just takes time to get used to this. And I'm doing my best to make him feel like home. I even make him to do all the dishes. OK. I'm just kidding. Or dreaming.

And J.R. totally saved my ass by moving in with me. Otherwise I would have been forced to move out. This apartment is for students with "families". I'm a student and J.R. is my family, they can't kick us out now.

And I met his parents today. And visited their house. So technically I just received my full girlfriend status. And now you probably wonder what is a girlfriend status.

(Hannes, I'm sorry if this was top secret. But at least I'm blogging something! And go give Anna the girlfriend status she deserves!)

A girl is nothing without a girlfriend status; she can't really expect or require things. It's like closet dating, the relationship only exists when you're together. You could confirm your status by asking him, but it will leave you in the closet. So it's better to wait for it, patiently. If he's serious with you, you will have it sooner or later.

Yes. This is pseudoscience.

So what makes a girl a girlfriend with the proper girlfriend status? When she's outside the closet. When her status as his girlfriend is undeniable. And this usually happens by meeting his friends and family because it's the fastest and the easiest way. Pretty simple, right?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Note to self

When you find something good, keep it. Make it yours.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Amoena's bedtime story

I walked to Tapiola today. Or yesterday because it's Saturday now. Anyway. Every time I go to Tapiola I wish that I would accidentally bump to S. She was my colleague last year when I started to work in Hammasväline Oy. She had this very rusty voice and she liked to talk a lot. Our union was a bit weird though. She was like 50 years old and she wasn't scared of anything. And I was scared of everything and she took care of me until I started to trust myself.

I would like to meet her again so I could tell her how the story ended. Because there is a story. And I know she would be like the only one who could fully understand it since she was right there with me when it started.

On my first day I was totally lost. I had a list of stuff I needed to collect but I didn't knew where to find them. So I asked help from the closest person. It was my first encounter with J.R.

It didn't took long until I realized that he wasn't really communicating with others. Which in a way was totally understandable. We were supposed to work there for like three weeks so why bother to make friends. But I just got uncomfortable seeing him alone all the time while I was spending my breaks with S. and others.

So I started to ask questions. And my questions soon turned to suggestions. "We should totally go and talk with him, right?" S. said it was a bad idea. She said that we should just leave him alone if he doesn't come to us.

I ignored her.

One day I saw him sitting alone and I said to S. that we should totally go to sit with him. I had talked to him earlier and he didn't seemed to mind company. Later that day S. told me that she was wrong about him. She should have trusted my senses.

And that's how the story started. When Amoena met J.R. And like all stories do, this story started to evolve too. We started to spend all the breaks together. Then we started to spend time together on the weekends. (It was a slow process though because I was talking all the time and he just kept his mouth locked.)

To be honest, for me it was all about him. I liked my job because that's why I was able to be near him. Whenever I was talking to someone I always tried to make the conversation to be about him. And when I didn't have anything better to do I just kept watching him. Yes, I was totally pathetic but also having a serious, and almost an absurd, crush on him.

OK. The only reason I'm writing a J.R. related post is that he's not here with me. This is the first night in like two weeks when I have to sleep alone. And I don't fall asleep easily when I'm alone so I'm just trying to keep busy until I feel like super tired.

And I kinda hope that he's not reading this because this is just plain silly.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

But I guess I'm still going to hell

I'm a Christian, or an Evangelical Lutheran to be precise. And even though I don't believe in God, it still means a lot to me;

I was raised to be a Christian; As a little kid my mother put me in a church day care. I knew about Jesus, I knew how to pray and I knew how to sing several psalms before I even knew how to write my own name. My mother also made me to go to Sunday School even though she's not religious at all. I made a play dough Jesus!

In comprehensive school my both class teachers were extremely religious, and they also happened to be married to each other. The wife taught us for the first two years and she did her very best to teach us the Bible. We even had to watch this weird Bible story cartoon called Superbook.

Apparently there are two modern kids and a robot in the Bible.

The man taught us for the last four years. He was actually Pentecostalist but that certainly didn't prevent him from reading us the Bible every morning. And when other kids had music lessons, we simply sang psalms. And I'm not kidding. I even have a psalm singing certificate. It proves that I can sing at least 55 psalms. How cool is that?

During the last years in comprehensive school we also had this big national Bible contest. It was basically just a simple examination about the Bible stories and of course I scored highly. I won an illustrated book about Jesus and I still have it:

kertomuksia jeesuksesta
My favorite book of all time?

I also went to confirmation camp when I was 15 years old, but that's not anything particular in Finland. All teens go trough it unless they're like lazy or pagans. I don't have any good memories from my camp. I was forced to be around kids that usually bullied me at school and they liked to humiliate me. It could have been even worst so I consider myself lucky.

I don't know anyone who believes in God. It's just not common around here. But almost every one I know is still a member of the church. It seems that even though we lack faith in God, we have faith in Christianity. And I'm a member of the church because I want to be in touch with the church. Not too often, though...

I want to get married in a church. I feel that if you get married in a magistrate it's just a legal deal between two people. You could sign a piece of paper as well. Of course it's good to make such deal when you share property and have kids and stuff. But I rather accentuate love instead of law, so I want to get married with the whole "I do" stuff.

And I want my children to be baptized. I have seen two christenings so far and I think it's a really beautiful ceremony and a lot more than just giving a name to a baby. I'm a godmother myself and even though I'm quite a bad one, it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it. And I want my children to have godparents too. And by letting my children to be baptized I also allow them to be tied to the church until they're like 15 years old.

And I want my children to be raised to Christianity. I'm just worried that they don't teach Christianity at schools anymore and I have to do it myself. I would feel totally hypocrite because I think it should be taught only by people who genuinely have faith in God. Otherwise it would be like lying. Anyway. I would really like my kids to know all the Jesus stuff but it's totally up to them if they wanna buy it or not.

I know that this post doesn't really have a point. But I have been pondering these things a lot lately. J.R. started it by confessing that he's not a member of the church. It made me realize how much my Christianity actually means to me. I'm not ready to cut out church, not entirely. And I often watch Heaven TV7 with Hannes. It's a bible channel with only religious TV-shows. And because of that we often also talk about religion anyway.

(And sometimes we do even more than just talk and watch TV. They held this big religious festival in Leppävaara. It was for Pietists but open to every other Christian group as well. And I asked Hannes to come with me. We visited a night café that was arranged for the young. They had live music and some good coffee. It was nothing weird actually. We just hang out.)

Friday, July 04, 2008

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Oh the timing!

I started to feel a bit shitty. That's nothing new. And sometimes when I feel shitty I turn on the sauna. So I could stop thinking shitty things and relax instead. I was just about to go to the sauna when the electricity went down. I often light the sauna with candles to set a certain atmosphere. But fuck the atmosphere when the stove is electric.

And oh. I also decided to treat my hair with XZ oil treatment before the sauna. It was such a lovely idea. Until the hot water run out.

Have you ever tried to wash out OIL with ice cold water?

I have no electricity. No hot water. Talking about shitty things...

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Another announcement

Lately I have had only one thing in my mind. That's why I have not been able to blog. I have not wanted to blog about this earlier but I have not wanted to blog anything else either. I apologize.

And I still don't feel comfortable sharing my personal life with my blog so I won't go into details or anything. I'm just making an another announcement here.

I'm seeing someone. And this is awkward because I know he will read this too.

My ex always encouraged me to have friends and he had no problems with me hanging out with boys. He was just happy that I had friends. But I still wonder why he wasn't jealous. Was he really trusting me that much or didn't he just cared anymore?

But sometimes he did joke about it. Like when Ossi texted me he said things like "oh it's your boyfriend again". Maybe he was little jealous sometimes, I don't know. But I told Ossi about this and we begun to chat about jealousy.

I remember writing to him "how can he (my ex) be so sure that none of my friendships turn to something else when even I can't be sure of it".

And eventually one of my friendships did turn to something else. And to be honest, it didn't surprised anyone. Even my mother said "like I didn't saw this one coming" when I told her. And I talk to her for like 10 minutes in a week so she shouldn't have been so aware about this. But she was, and apparently so was everyone else too.

That's all.

And oh, it's J.R. by the way.