Thursday, May 31, 2007

Acting and reacting

Yesterday I learned who my real friends are. I'm glad that things turned out this way. I wonder why people don't get this right. There is nothing complicated in this really. If you try to fuck with me, it's bye bye baby. I don't tolerate lying, I don't tolerate bad behavior. If you want to be my friend you better act like one too. I'm just tired how people always think that I'm the bad one. I'm the one that reacts, not the one that acts.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Last day of school

Today was my last day of school until autumn. I still haven't realize it. I can't believe I'm not going to see Julia at Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday. I have nothing special for this summer. I have no job so I don't have much to do really. Somehow I'm sad that I didn't get a job since it means I'm not going to get my Puppy. And somehow I'm really glad that I didn't. I really need a vaca.

We have the same deal with Aleksi than we had last summer: He works for the money and buys all the food. And I wash all the dishes and keep the house clean (as if). So technically I'm also working but instead of money I get food to eat.

Every time I see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in "3rd Rock from the Sun" I think about Mysterious Skin. I guess I should have pass that movie since it is really messing my mind. I always expect Tommy, his character, to do something gay. And sometimes he actually does.

I decided to start to put songs under my posts. They will be songs that I have listened while writing these posts.

A friend of mine once said that I'm a bit like Gwen Stefani. She didn't mean that I looked like her, sang like her or anything like that. She meant that my presence is a bit like hers. And when I saw Gwen on TV I really felt she was right.

Monday, May 28, 2007

This is what I brought, you may forget me.

I have mentioned here before that when I was a child I was bullied for several years. I know it's quite freaky that I keep on thinking about it, but I guess that still defines me.

It was not a secret. My teacher was very aware of what was going on. Sometimes he joined the rest of the class when they humiliated me. Sometimes he just ignored the whole thing. And even the principal of my school knew I was bullied. And I'm not imagining this. There was some anti bully campaign in our school and we had to write down if we were bullied. So I wrote everything. One day the principal came to me. She said that it must be hard for me. And it was the end of the conversation. Nobody ever even lift a finger to help me. Guess how worthy I felt?

And guess what? Every time anyone else got picked, they stopped it right away. Like that fat girl. And that boy with seriously red hair. I realize quite early that life is unfair.

I'm still on that path. I still feel I'm not worthy enough, that I'm, most of all, always unwanted.

Couple years ago I was in an admission test. There were this fill-the-gaps kind of test, and I decided to be very honest in it. So I wrote that my past have not been the most happiest. And later, when I was in an interview with the shrink, he asked me about it. And I said I was bullied and so and I was not happy about it. And he asked, now pay attention, he asked me WHY I was bullied. A shrink asked me WHY I was bullied! He did not ask why I though I was bullied. He asked what was wrong in me. I was shocked and I felt insulted. How dared he blame me.

God. I prayed every night that I could just disappear. I really prayed for it. And at breaks we (I had this other friend who was also "unpopular") buried stones we named after our bullies to make them go away. There was so much serious crap that we just had to go through. We had no choice.

The saddest part of this is that I still care very much. I'm still somehow very broken. And they couldn't care because bullying me was just a hobby for them. I bet they don't even remember my name anymore.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

I've Been Thinking...

I'm not going to say it. You know what I mean.

Today I have been thinking about how little I need to be happy. I don't need money, friends, material or any activities. All I need is a peace of my mind which is the hardest to get. I don't know why I'm still a mental wreck. Or why my sadness is so infinite.

Today I have also been thinking about how much I love watching movies. If I were single and living alone, I would watch movies every night. I would spend my days searching for new movies and then I would download all of them and then watch them. Alone. And I wouldn't be lonely since I have all the great characters to keep me company. To be truthful, I need movies and I totally live trough them.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Playing Truant at School

I'm at school. Julia is sick so I have nothing to do at the clinic. So basically I'm just hanging here. I know that what I'm doing is pretty much same as playing truant... but at least I'm at school and nobody probably notices that I'm not actually where I'm supposed to be.

Even though I said this is not going to be my dream journal... But I just had the most longest and detailed dream ever. It was so full of events that when I finally woke up I didn't felt rested at all. I'm my dream I was in some boarding school for oral hygienists. I had Julia and some other girls I like as roommates. Julia was sick as she is sick in the real life too. I was bored and I decided to skip the clinic. So instead of studying I bonded with some other students. And then some practical jokes turned into crimes. It was very bizarre and dream-a-like but still so very real to me.

I had my second patient ever yesterday. I totally didn't blew it up this time. It made me really happy. I don't normally do things right at school. I don't know enough or I don't know how to do something. But yesterday I didn't felt that way at all. I guess I'm growing as a dental hygienists. Yesterday we received some free samples again: one toothbrush and nine mini toothpastes.

It's quite strange that I never really write here what my life is really about. My life is full of movies, CSS and infinity of blogs but I very rarely even mention them.

There may be some major misspellings in this post since Blogger wants to speak Finnish when I'm at school. I check this as soon as I get home.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Weight Update

I've gained awfully lot of weight. I tried to manage without my food diary but clearly I can't. I'm twice heavier than what's comfortable for me. I don't know why I let this happen to be. I can't stand if I go back to fat. This serious weight gain requires serious weapons. No matter how unhealthy it gets. I know that I'm totally obsessed and that people probably wouldn't accept what I'm doing to myself if they knew. I wish I could like myself as I am but I feel disgusted when I think about the way I am.

OK. It's 6.24am and I still got a lot to do.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Free Stuff

The best part of my dental hygienist studies is that every now and then we receive some free stuff. And I love free stuff. During this week I got all these:

12 mini toothpastes
4 normal toothpastes
3 toothbrushes
15 xylitol gum samples
Flosser with replaceable heads
Several interdental brushes
Dental sticks
Dental floss

I'm so lucky.

Friday, May 11, 2007

No Shit

Just for your information: I totally blew it up.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I'm Going To Blow It Up Anyway.

Today I woke up early to study. I was supposed to have an exam at 4pm. I read though all my notes and wrote some new ones too. I was early at the school so were all the other 150 students. There we sat on the auditorium. It was 4.05pm. I got a bit angry since I was so ready to answer some questions. Then it was 4.15pm. People started to ask questions. We started to hear rumours. 4.20pm we were pretty sure that there is no exam. And 4.30pm we left the building. This is something that can only happen in Stadia. All those people were there early, they were prepared. We were all waiting for just one person to come. But I feel quite happy that this turned this way. I have more time to study.

Today is the day of Eurovision semifinal. I'm not as excited as Julia. I'm only curious to see if we make total ass out of ourselves. According what I have heard I believe we are not. I was quite thrilled when Finland won last year, but it's so old news and I'm quite boring the whole hosting thing. My favourite country this year is Georgia.

I'm going to watch the semifinal or at least most of it. The problem is that it ends 1am and I have to woke up 5.15am... And I'm going to have my very first patient tomorrow! So it 's a big day for me. But I guess I'm going to blow it up anyway.

Monday, May 07, 2007

More Dreams

Don't worry I'm not going to turn this to my dream diary. But I just had the most bizarre dream. And the most bizarre thing is that I have seen dreams like this for years. In my dream I was hanging out with my second cousin. She's like 14 or something and normally we are not friends or even seeing each other so very often. Anyway. When I was with this girl I suddenly met a group of people that used to bully me when I was a child. One boy, a some kind of leader, asked for my forgiveness. He said to me that is time for me to give up of my hate and for us to be friends again. I said "never" but eventually I changed my mind. And it was as I never was anything else but their close friend. And they were genuinely sorry for pushing me so far back then.

But in the reality: They wouldn't apologize. And I wouldn't forgive. I will never forget who are responsible for ruining my childhood.

Sunday, May 06, 2007


I think that my dreams are trying to make me to do something. And by saying that they are trying to make me to do something, I don't mean that they are trying me to do something illegal. I somehow feel that my dreams are trying to make me to write again. They are giving me all these great plots with lots of excitement and romance so I could use them as bases. But I'm not buying it. I'm not going to write anymore. No matter how much my dreams inspire me. I'm sorry.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Hermés And Miu Miu

There was some rumours about me having a life. I have to disappoint you. I was offline because first our Internet access was off for a week and then I went to Viiala with Aleksi. It's quite freaky how you first go like crazy without Internet and then totally forgot it ever existed. I quess I'm not so nerd after all. It was actually quite reliefing not to check your e-mails once in a... ten minutes.

I had a blast in Viiala. And by blast I mean than I won several times when we played African Star. I went to flea market as always but all I got was a nice scarf which I probably never use. I have this thing with scarves. I got to have them when I found a nice and cheap one, but only scarf I ever use is my old black one with silver stripes. I browsed through eBay for genuine and non genuine Hermés scarves. That is a one thing too. I love them, especially vintage ones. And I don't normally like expensive brands. Here is a collage of some of my this season favourites, feel free to click to enlarge:

Today when I was waiting for a buss I noticed something really nice on the other side of the road. There was a buss stop with a Miu Miu ad. And of course I'm not excited about Miu Miu but the fact that it was one of those Miu Miu ads starred by Lindsay! I was really surprised since I never thought I could actually saw Lindsay on my way to school. I hope this campaign lasts forever! I counted all the ads on the way and there was about ten of them.

It was a same picture as above but it also said "Miu Miu Eyewear".