Sunday, March 05, 2017

When you work hard and it actually pays off

It took me quite some time to figure out what I am passionate about. Or in other words, it took me some time to realize that the thing I am passionate about is the thing I have always been passionate about.

I have always loved writing and I have always wanted to write for a living, but when I was younger and making my first ever career choices by choosing which schools to apply, writing meant same as being a author and being an actual professional author seemed like an impossible dream. I never really dared to explore that path, it was clearly for bigger dreamers ad for more talented people, and I was too uneducated to know that you have many other options than being a author or a journalist if you love writing.

So maybe I went to the wrong school and studied the wrong things, and then took the wrong job. But I did not end up in a hole like I thought I did. My own little hole actually got me somewhere: it helped me to actualize the thing I am passionate about.

I realized it's not the writing I love but being able to communicate. Communicate by talking, writing, creating content, giving presentations... Engaging with people. And once I realized what my goal was it was also easier to work hard to get there.

The goal seemed unreachable even though I had a pretty solid idea how to get there. I knew what to do and with whom to network with. And I did all I could to get myself closer to my goal. There are people who think everything fell into place by itself, but they honestly don't have an idea about how hard I worked. I worked my ass off!

Earlier this year I applied to a communications job in my company that I was really not so keen about it. I love my company but I have no desire to help it to get more revenue. Internal communications is what I am passionate about. I have a really good image of the people who work in the same company, thanks to my entry-level IT-support job. I know them and I love them

I only applied to get closer to my goal, I felt obligated to do it. How could I be serious about my goal if I don't even apply a job that on paper sounds perfect for me?

Luckily I didn't get the job, and I was relieved because it really wasn't the job for me. But apparently the interview went super well since couple weeks later they contacted me and offered me a different job.  They started by apologizing that I didn't get a job I applied for, that they picked someone else. And then they continued and offered me a job that sounded absolutely perfect. There'd be some projects coming and that they would really appreciate my help and expertise.

On 15th I will officially start in my new job as a communications specialist. It's a part time gig. I have to share my weeks evenly between communications and IT, but it suits me just fine. I get to enjoy the best of both worlds and eventually it will lead me closer to my goal; it will give me the tools, the experience, the everything to help me pursuing my dreams.

So I got out of the hole. Faster than I thought.

I still don't know where I end up. Whether I land a full time job in internal communications or not. Whether it is what I want or not. But it feels good to be on the path to somewhere.

Monday, February 06, 2017

When you look like a spirit animal

I've always disliked my hair. Well, not always but at least for over a decade. It's jus more impossible than impossible.

When my hair grows longer it also grows considerably thinner. It just refuses to grow. Sometimes I can even hear my hair laughing at me: "you think I'd grow long and pretty, think again muahahha". And it doesn't just get thinner, it also gets curly. But not like pretty, natural curly. No. It's like half messy curly, half straight.

I have never asked much from my hair. The only thing my heart really desires is something very, very low maintenance. I've always dreamed of hair that would not require much attention. Maybe little washing every now and then, little brushing, some ponytail occasionally. And while my hair kinda falls under the criteria of being low maintenance, it does't really fall under anything else. My hair, as it is, is not particularly pretty. I can't allow it to have its own way. I can't wear it open, and I simply can't leave it untouched if I am planning to go outside.

And in a way I am okay with that. I learned to use dry shampoo for my benefit, and got used to wearing the same loopy messy ponytail everyday, and I even managed to curl my bangs with a straightener every once in a while. It's just hair after all.

But on the other hand, it's not just hair. It's a bit more than just hair. It's a part of me that makes me feel less confident. So when I accidentally found something that could fix my hair problem and possibly make me feel a bit more confident, I naturally wanted to give it a go.

So now I have dreads. Not real dreads but synthetic ones. They are kinda like dread extensions for natural hair. I bought them from Etsy and put them on by myself. It was easy, though it took some Youtube tutorials and several hours of trials and errors... But couple things are true now. My hair is a lot more low maintenance and I do feel more confident with it.

I still need to wash my hair every now and then, and especially my bangs. But that's about it. It looks good as it is. I could wake up in the morning, not touch my hair and go to work. But one thing I discovered is that doing different kind of hairdos with dreads is kinda fun. I've never had thick hair so hairdos have been more or less pain in the ass. Everything looks good on Youtube and stupid and crappy on my hair. But with dreads it's different. I can do buns, braids and everything. I'm having more fun with my hair now than ever before.

Plus I look like a spirit animal now. I just need some antlers or something.

Moo for mirror sefie

I think the only real downside right now is the weight. They do weight. A lot. Not so much that it hurts. The weight does not make my head or neck ache. It's hard to describe, though I think it might be easy to imagine. Just imagine your hair being really bulky and weighting like couple kilos. It does not flow around in the wind, it anchors me down. I can feel the weight every time I move around, hair getting on my way like tiny ropes everywhere. It's annoying but at the same time it's totally worth it. And I can get used to it. Maybe. I think people get used to it since so many people do have dreads, and long dreads like mine too. We'll see.

It feels good to feel more confident though. I know my hair is completely crazy now, and they do generate some attention. But I don't mind. I'm used to being looked at. After all I am the girl who wears tiny denim shorts in the middle of the winter. The girl who runs around the office just for fun and makes all kind of funny noises. I was crazy long before this and now I just feel more complete. I am like head to toe crazy and it suits me. I look and feel more like me.

And it's good.

Monday, January 02, 2017

Some thoughts about 2016

I feel there is something to be said about the year 2016. At the same time I don't know what to say or even where to start. The things that happened last year were pretty massive. And by massive I mean pretty life changing experiences. I am in no way at the same point in my life as I was in last January. It has been a real journey, with all the struggles, victories and accomplishments. 

Struggles, oh struggles. Moving in together with my boyfriend and forming a commune with to others was so difficult at first that I oftentimes thought about simply giving up. Social anxiety mixed with adjusting living with three new persons was definitely not an easy task to tackle. My first month was spent with nonstop anxiety and panic attacks. But I did it, and I got used to it, and in the end I loved it. It is hard to imagine it now though. My roommates no longer cause me any kind of anxiety.

And it is another victory of mine. I have all my life felt like I am not good enough, not good enough compared to others. And moving in with my boyfriend and our roommates cause me anxiety because I felt that I was somehow not good enough, not cool enough, not interesting enough. I used to say that they made me feel like a stone among bananas and other fruits. It was hard to fit in and it felt impossible to even imagine ever fitting in. And guess what. I still feel like a stone, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It just means that I am different. And different does not mean better or worse. I don't mind being a stone. I am a good stone, more like a jewel than your ordinary rock.

I struggled at work too, but somehow I made something out of it. I still feel a bit suck career wise but on the other hand I definitely love my job. I get to do the things I love and also the things that I do good. I think the direction I am going to is definitely more on the positive side. A lot can happen this year, who knows. Maybe this new year is my year when it comes to my career and professional life. I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed and my eyes open for new opportunities.

Last year I also started my medication. The medication was definitely not a struggle, no side effects or whatsoever. But the struggle was to get there, and I am still proud of myself for doing that. It was probably one of my biggest accomplished last year. And I feel that the medication has helped me. I still feel some bangs of depression every now and then but it keeps getting better and better. I am still thinking about the therapy. I know that I should but I have felt so good lately that I have been wondering whether I need it anymore. I have gotten all my life sorted out that I don't know what good therapy could do. Still definitely thinking about it, I have not decided against it yet. It would do me good but right now I would like to focus on the good things. 

I already mentioned that moving in with my boyfriend was bit of a struggle and it took bit of a time to get it working. It's so different to actually live with something compared to just seeing each other on the weekends and every now and then. It felt like learning a new language or something. But it was worth the struggle. I can honestly say that right now I am most happiest in a relationship that I have ever been. And this comes from a girl who got married once. I still don't compare relationships but I compare the way I feel right now. For the first time ever I don't have to live with the guilt of not being good enough or being the badly faulty one. I finally feel like a whole person and it feels amazing. I am not saying that everything is blissful and perfect, life hardly ever is. But I feel better than ever and it makes everything better than ever. One could say I am very deeply in love. I am.

I also feel that last year I gained a family. I mentioned in my previous post that my family is quite dysfunctional. I don't know how to communicate or contact with them. Sometimes I feel like I live on a different planet, and in a way I do. They have their own lives far away from me and I am the alien visitor who comes every now and then and joins their fests and then moves on. And I am used to that and I am okay with that. I love them but they come with an unnecessary burden. I have my surrogate family now. I have my boyfriend, I have our dogs, I have my roommates, I have my boyfriends family. I have the kind of family now that feels safe and loving. I hate to say even the tiny bit bad things about my own family since I love them but to be honest I have never felt that they could be my safety net or that they could support me in my life choices. I don't mind being adopted by this new family. It is exactly what I have always wanted. I've wanted a family that feels loving and caring and welcoming. And this is it. My own surrogate family. 

I'm trying to think about what I want from this new year. I don't know because I feel that everything big already happened last year. There are no new year's resolutions to make. The only resolution I can make to myself is to promise that I enjoy these past year's victories and accomplishes and feel  so incredibly blessed that I overcame all the struggles. I've earned. We all have.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Another Christmas

And once again another family Christmas is spent. My family is very dysfunctional but I still love them all in my own way. I didn't get to choose them and they definitely did not choose me. Sometimes I wish I could simply swap my my family, apart from my younger big sister maybe. She has always been my favorite. Probably because she is the underdog of our family, kinda like me. She is the underdog and I am the black sheep.

I find family dynamics pretty fascinating though, I guess that is one of the reasons why I don't hate my family. They are dysfunctional indeed, all of them, but they are also pretty interesting personalities. I moved away from my family when I was fifteen and since then I have been more like an outsider than an active member of my family. It is sad but it also gives me certain perspective. They always have some kind of drama going on with each other, but I don't have to be part of it. I just hear the gossip though my mother or my underdog sister and sit back and enjoy it.

In a way I don't consider them to be my real family. It is hard to explain. They are my parents and my sisters are my sisters but because I am away so much and only speak to my mom regularly, they feel more like some distant relatives than my immediate family. I consider my boyfriend, my roommates and our dogs as my real family. Sometimes I even feel more close to my coworkers than to my family. I see them more often, I speak to them more freely and they know me better than my family. I guess that is also why I love my commune lifestyle, it just gives me the sense of real family its own way.

I think I am more happy now than ever before. I feel like I have finally achieved something I have been longing for so long. I have always felt like I am missing a family, but now I finally have something I can call as a family. Our commune certainly has that vibe going on. I feel like I am the mother and my boyfriend is the daddy, and I do all the motherly chores and take care of others. T.R.is our lovely long-haired teenage daughter that is still a little dependent or us, and M.R. is more like our adult child who longer needs us, being completely independent and all, but who still chooses to live her family for financial reasons. Yes, it's more of a family than anything I have ever had before.


Friday, December 16, 2016

The reluctance

Over a year ago I met my old school friend by accident. I had not seen her for years, I think it had been like seven years since I had seen her the last time. But there she was, suddenly, in the same train with me. We quickly chatted, shared quick updates about our lives, ans agreed to stay in touch and meet up again.

Well. I am not exactly good at organizing things. All I ever want to do is to stay home with my boyfriend. I don't want to go outside my own little home. And she was bad at organizing things as well. Whether she was too busy or I was too busy or it was simply too cold to meet up. So eventually it just slipped away and I let it slip. It was me who stopped responding to her messages.

And I've always been that way. I like the idea of having friends but I never want to actually see those so called friends. It's too much trouble. I am seriously happy that my best friends works in the same team with me so I get to see him all the time during my office hours. I can't even imagine how rarely we would actually meet if we didn't work together.

And as much as I like the idea of having friends I also miss my old friends. Old colleagues, old school mates, old best friends, ex everything. I often feel like reaching out to them, trying to catch up, trying to meet up. But the reason why I don't do that is that I actually don't want to do it. Not really. I like the idea inside my head but the reality of sitting in front of something you lost contact long time ago is kinda dreadful. I simply hate small talk and I feel relieved whenever I eventually lost connection with someone. One person less to keep in touch with, yay.

Sometimes I wonder where this all ends up. I am indeed a human and I need to have connection with others. I am too social to be an actual  hermit. But I want to keep my social circle as small as possible. I am perfectly happy sharing my life with my boyfriend. I am perfectly happy that the two people I see outside my romantic relationship are my two roommates sneaking in or out their own rooms. What I am trying to say is that I move on, constantly. I move on and leave people behind and move on and on. I think it is normal, I am sure it is. But I feel like nobody in my life really stays forever. They come and then they go. And I let them go, I happily let them go. I am happy when they are gone because it's a lot less work.

And I wonder if it is some form of laziness. The reluctance to make effort to keep in touch with people. Should I make more effort? I just don't know how. I am way too busy doing absolutely nothing. These are just some things I ponder inside my head. Having friends and being too busy for them. Maybe I should join Facebook? Is that how normal people do it?