Monday, January 02, 2017

Some thoughts about 2016

I feel there is something to be said about the year 2016. At the same time I don't know what to say or even where to start. The things that happened last year were pretty massive. And by massive I mean pretty life changing experiences. I am in no way at the same point in my life as I was in last January. It has been a real journey, with all the struggles, victories and accomplishments. 

Struggles, oh struggles. Moving in together with my boyfriend and forming a commune with to others was so difficult at first that I oftentimes thought about simply giving up. Social anxiety mixed with adjusting living with three new persons was definitely not an easy task to tackle. My first month was spent with nonstop anxiety and panic attacks. But I did it, and I got used to it, and in the end I loved it. It is hard to imagine it now though. My roommates no longer cause me any kind of anxiety.

And it is another victory of mine. I have all my life felt like I am not good enough, not good enough compared to others. And moving in with my boyfriend and our roommates cause me anxiety because I felt that I was somehow not good enough, not cool enough, not interesting enough. I used to say that they made me feel like a stone among bananas and other fruits. It was hard to fit in and it felt impossible to even imagine ever fitting in. And guess what. I still feel like a stone, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It just means that I am different. And different does not mean better or worse. I don't mind being a stone. I am a good stone, more like a jewel than your ordinary rock.

I struggled at work too, but somehow I made something out of it. I still feel a bit suck career wise but on the other hand I definitely love my job. I get to do the things I love and also the things that I do good. I think the direction I am going to is definitely more on the positive side. A lot can happen this year, who knows. Maybe this new year is my year when it comes to my career and professional life. I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed and my eyes open for new opportunities.

Last year I also started my medication. The medication was definitely not a struggle, no side effects or whatsoever. But the struggle was to get there, and I am still proud of myself for doing that. It was probably one of my biggest accomplished last year. And I feel that the medication has helped me. I still feel some bangs of depression every now and then but it keeps getting better and better. I am still thinking about the therapy. I know that I should but I have felt so good lately that I have been wondering whether I need it anymore. I have gotten all my life sorted out that I don't know what good therapy could do. Still definitely thinking about it, I have not decided against it yet. It would do me good but right now I would like to focus on the good things. 

I already mentioned that moving in with my boyfriend was bit of a struggle and it took bit of a time to get it working. It's so different to actually live with something compared to just seeing each other on the weekends and every now and then. It felt like learning a new language or something. But it was worth the struggle. I can honestly say that right now I am most happiest in a relationship that I have ever been. And this comes from a girl who got married once. I still don't compare relationships but I compare the way I feel right now. For the first time ever I don't have to live with the guilt of not being good enough or being the badly faulty one. I finally feel like a whole person and it feels amazing. I am not saying that everything is blissful and perfect, life hardly ever is. But I feel better than ever and it makes everything better than ever. One could say I am very deeply in love. I am.

I also feel that last year I gained a family. I mentioned in my previous post that my family is quite dysfunctional. I don't know how to communicate or contact with them. Sometimes I feel like I live on a different planet, and in a way I do. They have their own lives far away from me and I am the alien visitor who comes every now and then and joins their fests and then moves on. And I am used to that and I am okay with that. I love them but they come with an unnecessary burden. I have my surrogate family now. I have my boyfriend, I have our dogs, I have my roommates, I have my boyfriends family. I have the kind of family now that feels safe and loving. I hate to say even the tiny bit bad things about my own family since I love them but to be honest I have never felt that they could be my safety net or that they could support me in my life choices. I don't mind being adopted by this new family. It is exactly what I have always wanted. I've wanted a family that feels loving and caring and welcoming. And this is it. My own surrogate family. 

I'm trying to think about what I want from this new year. I don't know because I feel that everything big already happened last year. There are no new year's resolutions to make. The only resolution I can make to myself is to promise that I enjoy these past year's victories and accomplishes and feel  so incredibly blessed that I overcame all the struggles. I've earned. We all have.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Another Christmas

And once again another family Christmas is spent. My family is very dysfunctional but I still love them all in my own way. I didn't get to choose them and they definitely did not choose me. Sometimes I wish I could simply swap my my family, apart from my younger big sister maybe. She has always been my favorite. Probably because she is the underdog of our family, kinda like me. She is the underdog and I am the black sheep.

I find family dynamics pretty fascinating though, I guess that is one of the reasons why I don't hate my family. They are dysfunctional indeed, all of them, but they are also pretty interesting personalities. I moved away from my family when I was fifteen and since then I have been more like an outsider than an active member of my family. It is sad but it also gives me certain perspective. They always have some kind of drama going on with each other, but I don't have to be part of it. I just hear the gossip though my mother or my underdog sister and sit back and enjoy it.

In a way I don't consider them to be my real family. It is hard to explain. They are my parents and my sisters are my sisters but because I am away so much and only speak to my mom regularly, they feel more like some distant relatives than my immediate family. I consider my boyfriend, my roommates and our dogs as my real family. Sometimes I even feel more close to my coworkers than to my family. I see them more often, I speak to them more freely and they know me better than my family. I guess that is also why I love my commune lifestyle, it just gives me the sense of real family its own way.

I think I am more happy now than ever before. I feel like I have finally achieved something I have been longing for so long. I have always felt like I am missing a family, but now I finally have something I can call as a family. Our commune certainly has that vibe going on. I feel like I am the mother and my boyfriend is the daddy, and I do all the motherly chores and take care of others. T.R.is our lovely long-haired teenage daughter that is still a little dependent or us, and M.R. is more like our adult child who longer needs us, being completely independent and all, but who still chooses to live her family for financial reasons. Yes, it's more of a family than anything I have ever had before.


Friday, December 16, 2016

The reluctance

Over a year ago I met my old school friend by accident. I had not seen her for years, I think it had been like seven years since I had seen her the last time. But there she was, suddenly, in the same train with me. We quickly chatted, shared quick updates about our lives, ans agreed to stay in touch and meet up again.

Well. I am not exactly good at organizing things. All I ever want to do is to stay home with my boyfriend. I don't want to go outside my own little home. And she was bad at organizing things as well. Whether she was too busy or I was too busy or it was simply too cold to meet up. So eventually it just slipped away and I let it slip. It was me who stopped responding to her messages.

And I've always been that way. I like the idea of having friends but I never want to actually see those so called friends. It's too much trouble. I am seriously happy that my best friends works in the same team with me so I get to see him all the time during my office hours. I can't even imagine how rarely we would actually meet if we didn't work together.

And as much as I like the idea of having friends I also miss my old friends. Old colleagues, old school mates, old best friends, ex everything. I often feel like reaching out to them, trying to catch up, trying to meet up. But the reason why I don't do that is that I actually don't want to do it. Not really. I like the idea inside my head but the reality of sitting in front of something you lost contact long time ago is kinda dreadful. I simply hate small talk and I feel relieved whenever I eventually lost connection with someone. One person less to keep in touch with, yay.

Sometimes I wonder where this all ends up. I am indeed a human and I need to have connection with others. I am too social to be an actual  hermit. But I want to keep my social circle as small as possible. I am perfectly happy sharing my life with my boyfriend. I am perfectly happy that the two people I see outside my romantic relationship are my two roommates sneaking in or out their own rooms. What I am trying to say is that I move on, constantly. I move on and leave people behind and move on and on. I think it is normal, I am sure it is. But I feel like nobody in my life really stays forever. They come and then they go. And I let them go, I happily let them go. I am happy when they are gone because it's a lot less work.

And I wonder if it is some form of laziness. The reluctance to make effort to keep in touch with people. Should I make more effort? I just don't know how. I am way too busy doing absolutely nothing. These are just some things I ponder inside my head. Having friends and being too busy for them. Maybe I should join Facebook? Is that how normal people do it?

Monday, December 12, 2016

Professionally stuck

I have finally grown up, at least to a certain point. My own career finally interests me. It's not about having a job now, it's about professional growth. I am tired of being stuck in an entry-level job, tired of repeting the same tasks over and over again every day. I feel like I need to move somewhere, to get somewhere eventually.

I love my current job and the company I work in. The problem is that there is nowhere to go, and therefore no future. There is no real career path there. Where I am now is where I will be forever. And I don't want to do the same kind of work forever, I already feel that I have been doing it forever.

I have been fortunate enough to explore my passion at work, to figure out what it is that I really enjoy doing. And I think I have a pretty solid picture now. The problem is that I just don't know how to get there. I lack the proper education but also the necessary experience. There is no other way to describe the feeling than "it sucks". It sucks to realize that you have been doing your entire life the wrong thing. I went to the wrong school, studied the wrong things, took the wrong job, ended up in a hole that might be just a bit too deep to get out. It doesn't prevent me from trying though.

Nothing does.

I'll keep on networking, applying for different kind of jobs, trying to get every experience I can. Maybe eventually I get there, or at least somewhere.

Saturday, October 08, 2016

Thirty

Today is my birthday. Happy birthday to me. The first blog post about my own birthday was ten years ago. It's sometimes very hard to believe that I have had this blog over a decade now. My blog has seen so many of my birthdays since. I've described my birthday parties here, whenever I have had them, and my birthday presents too. A lot have happened during all these years. In a way I am still the same person, and in a way I am not.

I still don't feel like an adult, I'm not sure if I ever will. I consider that to be a good thing. I never really want to grow up. I am happy being this way, feeling young and utterly confused about everything. I've move forward, taken some steps bavkwards and then moved forwards again. That's life, as it is. I've ended relationships, said goodbye to fading friendships, found new love, found new friends, started new things and new chapters.

I am grateful that I have kept my blog all these years, even though I have some years missing here and there. I feel grateful that I have this chronology of my life. I can recall events that I have forgotten, remember feelings, be sad about certain things, be happy about others. This is a gift, truly, and a best birthday gift I could give myself. Sometimes blogging is hard for me. I feel it gets harder the older I get. I am less careless about the things I write, censor myself more. I'm worried about coworkers, future employees finding my blog and expecting me to be the same person I was ten years ago, or even five years ago. I do change, like all humans too. I wish I could let go of my constant fear of being discovered one way or another. I am writing under this pseudonym, but today's technology just makes it harder to hide.

But do I really have anything to hide? Other than my past. But is my past worse than my current moment. Or is my past worse than my future? I don't know. I am just afraid of people making assumptions based on the stupid childish things I've written ten years ago. It's hard to determine the fine line between the person I used to be and the person I am today.

Sometimes even I am consufed about the person I am today. Who am I in the first place? What is the essence of me? When I was younger, like in my teens, I thought that being thirty means being an adult. That by the age of thirty I would have it all figured out. I'd have the education, the career, the everything. Little did I know, indeed. Being thirty is no different than being twenty, at least in my book.

I do have the education now though. And I am actually trying to get back to school, to get a higher education. I don't really need it, but I am thinking why not. I can study while I'll work, I should be able to arrange it. I think getting another degree could give me a kick to some new direction. I am not sure if I need it or want it, but it's good to have some options open and explore new possibilities. It can't hurt. Now let's keep fingers crossed that I get accepted.

And the career. A career. I am not sure if I have a career, but I do have a job. And it's a job I enjoy throughly most of the time. I have responsibilities, projects, challenges, all that. I respect and appreciate my newest boss and I like my teammates. I even get to work together with my best friend. I wonder what else could I want, expect the three things I can't get: a transfer to another team, a bigger salary and a big ass promotion.

And my life. I think it's getting sorted out for once. For the first time I am on medication. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety. It's time to tackle this son of a bitch depression. I've suffered way too long and way too much. I am also waiting to get into psychotherapy. I am too old to fees ashamed for being such a mental case. Sometimes I feel that my blog is mostly a history of my depression too. Occasionally here and there it shines trhough even though I've never really directly addressed that. Sometimes I wonder why it took me so long. And sometimes, still, I wonder I need that at all. I can't decide. Sometimes I am fine, sometimes I am not. But when I am not fine, it damages things and it bothers me too much to just ignore it.

Love. There is a line in one song I like that goes "your last love is the best love". I don't necessarily agree with that statement. I loved my ex-husband and I still do. I cherish all the years we spent together and even the bitter end. I have no regrets, nothing. I still speak very highly of him and I get angry whenever someone tries to say something mean about him. None of this was his fault, he always tried his best. And I am not saying it was my fault either. It's just the way things went and I am OK with that. I've moved on. And while I don't agree with the "your last love is the best love", I feel that I have found something that simply works better for me. My relationship with my boyfriend is not better or worse, it's just profoundly very different; different personalities, different dynamics. I love my boyfriend very deeply and very passionately and I feel confident he brings me joy and happiness for many, many years to come.

I used to own an apartment. I've taken a step back and now rent one, along with my boyfriend and roommates. It doesn't bother my slightly. I feel my attitude towards owning things has moved to another direction. Material things mean very little to me, only care about the very obligatory things. I need clothes on my body, but I don't care them too much. The same goes for everything, really. What I need to own, I own. But I've lost my interest of owning fancy things or things that fall more into the luxury department. In a way I'd be interested to become more minimalist, but at the same time I feel too lazy to go through my things and downsize. I don't mind having the things I have now even though I don't need them all. I feel that the things I get now are more imporant. I don't want to clutter my life with stuff. Stuff doesn't correlate with happines, that's what I have learned.

I've lost friends, both best friends and acquaintances, during this past ten years. They come and go. I am generally just really bad at keeping touch. I know that using things like Facebook might help, but I am still against Facebook. It doesn't interest me one bit. I have no interest of keeping up with friends who I am no longer really friends with. I don't care about their babies or their fancy jobs. It would probably just make me feel bad about myself. Or maybe it would be make me feel guilty of being the one who faded away. I am always able to make new friends and I feel that the friends that I have made during the last few years are better than the ones I have ever had. Occasinally I feel this flutter of nostalgia, thinking about people I used to know and care about, but what I have learned that reconnecting with others is not as easy as it might sound. People  change, me included. It's better to keep things in the past and just have the nice memories of things that used to be.

Now I realize this post is turning to a megapost. It's not a bad thing. Actually this is the very thing that I wanted to do. I wanted to capture the current. What I am right now, how things are in my life in this very moment. So when I turn fourty, I can reread this and write a new one. I have no idea where my life leads me next. Maybe after another decade I live in another coutry, speak different language, have a completely different career and completely different social circles.  Who knows. I never expected to find myself here and yet here I am.