Tuesday, September 12, 2006

"I like you, but I don't love you"

I have started to disgust myself. It's probably just this typical used-to-be-bullied-girl syndrome haunting me. I just feel that I'm never enough. That there is always something that could be better in my appearance. Like I could be slimmer, I could cut and dye my hair, I could use contact lenses instead of glasses...

I just would like to feel beautiful. At least for a one day. I'm tired of being "pretty" or "cute". They are not synonyms. It's like "love" and "like"; "I like you, but I don't love you", "You're pretty, but you are not beautiful".

It is not much to ask, but it seems to be impossible. I have tried, and I have tried quite hard. But I can never be even near beautiful. And it somehow depresses me. I know I should be happy about myself. At least I'm not completely blind, I'm not overweight, I have few quite nice clothes, I have long hair (even though without any decent haircut or colour), I don't have cellulite (as far as I know), I don't have acne or any other visible disease... Plenty of reasons. But I only see what is wrong in me.

Couple weeks ago while I was in Viiala I wrote a list. As I had no better things to do. Anyway. I wrote this list about things I would like to change in me. And it was a long one. It was not only about my appearance, but it also included lifestyle, studying, activities and relationships. I have not looked it up since, because I know that none of those things have not come true.

I know that I should just give up; accept the fact that I am what I am. And I'm nothing but mediocre and I will never be more.

No comments:

Post a Comment