Tuesday, January 01, 2008

My New Year's resolution

Our neighbors are throwing like a killer party and I can't think about sleeping in this noise. So instead I'm thinking about New Year's resolutions. Or is it already too late? And I'm forced to listen to VAST. Aleksi shut down our PC so the LAN is like disconnected and VAST is like only music I have on my laptop. It's cool but I feel like listening to something stronger.

Anyway. I'm not really into resolutions. I didn't made any last year and things turned out just fine. I pretty much got everything I always wanted. This year... I guess I only want to get rid of my sadness. I'm just sick of it. I feel as I've been sad through my whole life. I'm just so sick of it.

I'm emotionally totally fucked up. I don't make sense to me. Like when I went to see the fireworks with Aleksi. It should have been like a happy happy thing. And it was. But I can't deny it. At the very same time I just wanted to like slash my wrists so badly. Don't get me wrong, I'm so not suicidal. I just wish I could wipe away my sad existence. Like I was never really here. And it's so crazy. How I really want to live and die at the same time.

I just want to be normal.

And that is going to be my New Year's resolution. To make my life so livable that I don't feel like disappearing anymore. And I'm going to be perfectly normal.


  1. Perfectly normal? As in, just like everyone else? Why would you want that?

  2. Sorry. I didn't knew that "normal" is a synonym to "boring". I have always thought that having a normal life simply means that you don't have to suffer so much.