Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The first of May

Exactly three years ago I experienced my first serious mental breakdown. It was the first of May, just like today, and I couldn't handle it. In case you don't live in Finland you probably don't know what the first of May is about. But it's about drinking. A lot. And I happen to be a teetotaler. And if that's not bad enough, my (now ex) boyfriend was trying to make me drink even though I made him very clear how I felt about it. I was very pressured.

But it wasn't only the drinking part though that eventually made me flip. It all made me feel sick. I saw everything happening around me and I just wanted it to go away. I couldn't breathe because of all the people around me. I couldn't relax because I felt uncomfortable being there. And I was hurt to see how people didn't care about the environment. They just kept breaking bottles and glasses and throwing trash everywhere like they were some kind of animals.

My anxiety kept rising and rising. And then it all went down. It was frightening.

The following years I refused to go back. When the first of May came I locked myself indoors. I was traumatized and I was sure that I was going to flip again if I had to go back. But today, when Ossi asked me to join him and his friends, I decided it's time to get over it. So I said OK, let's do this thing.

I didn't expect it to be easy and it wasn't easy. We went through pretty much all the same places and I kept having these flashbacks. This is where he tried to make me drink. This is where he hugged that other girl. This is where he left me alone. This is where I started to cry. This is where I hit him. This is where I finally had enough. This is where I started to run. This is where I said "I hate you". Of course I said nothing to the others. I just walked where they walked and smiled when they smiled. I didn't feel like talking, I was too busy processing my feelings. I went from anxious to more and more relaxed. Clearly it wasn't for me, but I was able to hold myself together with no bigger problems.

I feel somehow purified. And stronger.

Thank you.


  1. Stick to locking yourself up when that date comes around. Dont ever drink, and dont let any damned alcoholic sway you otherwise. Prohibition may be a false hope, but do the most with what you have: your own values and your own common sense.

  2. Thanks for the very thoughtful comment. You said it so well and I couldn't agree more with you.