Monday, May 28, 2007

This is what I brought, you may forget me.

I have mentioned here before that when I was a child I was bullied for several years. I know it's quite freaky that I keep on thinking about it, but I guess that still defines me.

It was not a secret. My teacher was very aware of what was going on. Sometimes he joined the rest of the class when they humiliated me. Sometimes he just ignored the whole thing. And even the principal of my school knew I was bullied. And I'm not imagining this. There was some anti bully campaign in our school and we had to write down if we were bullied. So I wrote everything. One day the principal came to me. She said that it must be hard for me. And it was the end of the conversation. Nobody ever even lift a finger to help me. Guess how worthy I felt?

And guess what? Every time anyone else got picked, they stopped it right away. Like that fat girl. And that boy with seriously red hair. I realize quite early that life is unfair.

I'm still on that path. I still feel I'm not worthy enough, that I'm, most of all, always unwanted.

Couple years ago I was in an admission test. There were this fill-the-gaps kind of test, and I decided to be very honest in it. So I wrote that my past have not been the most happiest. And later, when I was in an interview with the shrink, he asked me about it. And I said I was bullied and so and I was not happy about it. And he asked, now pay attention, he asked me WHY I was bullied. A shrink asked me WHY I was bullied! He did not ask why I though I was bullied. He asked what was wrong in me. I was shocked and I felt insulted. How dared he blame me.

God. I prayed every night that I could just disappear. I really prayed for it. And at breaks we (I had this other friend who was also "unpopular") buried stones we named after our bullies to make them go away. There was so much serious crap that we just had to go through. We had no choice.

The saddest part of this is that I still care very much. I'm still somehow very broken. And they couldn't care because bullying me was just a hobby for them. I bet they don't even remember my name anymore.

1 comment:

  1. Luen aina uskollisesti blogiasi ja nyt on yksinkertaisesti pakko kommentoida. Minunkin lapsuuteni on kaukana onnellisesta, varsinaista kiusaus-taustaa ei minulta löydy, mutta kaikenlaista muuta vääryyttä senkin edestä.

    Haluaisin kuitenkin rohkaista sinua kääntymään vaikka jonkun toisen ammattiauttajan puoleen. Sinun kokemuksesi psykiatrista on aika karu, mutta usko minua, kyllä niitä hyviä ja ymmärtäväisiäkin löytyy. Suosittelen jotain naispuolista henkilöä.

    Voimia ja yritähän jaksaa(miten kornilta se nyt sitten kuulostaakaan, mutta oikeasti niin on vain tehtävä, myöhemmin kyllä maksaa itsensä takaisin)! :)