Monday, December 29, 2008

What happened to V.

I had a dream that V. started to chat with me via MSN Messenger. She told me everyday things, such as what she has been up to lately, and then she said that we should meet. And later we met in my school, though in my dream she studied there too. She was with her new best friend, and they asked me if I drink. I said that I'm a teetotaler, as I have always been. They exchanged looks and told me that they can't be friends with me if I don't drink. Even in a dream it was really bizarre.

I hate to admit it, but I still miss V. We used to hang out together in high school, but I'd say we become friends only after my graduation. I wanted to learn how to smoke and I asked V. to be my partner in crime. And as we smoked on the crag, watching sunrise, we became friends. Soon we started to hang out in playgrounds at nights, smoking and talking our hearts out.

I thought we were best friends, or at least she was my best friend. We chatted via MSN every day, and on Fridays we used to drink tea and smoke. I'm still not sure what happened, why we stopped being friends. Here is my take on it:

I always told her everything. She was my best friend, so naturally I wanted to share everything with her. But she never did the same. Even the biggest things she kept for herself. I was hurt when I found out that she had bought an apartment. I read it from her Livejournal! She hadn't even told me that she was looking for one. I felt that she wasn't appreciating our friendship and that I didn't matter for her.

And I was bothered that she never asked me to come over. She visited my place on a regular basis, but I had zero clue where she lived. I didn't want to intrude, so I patiently waited for her invitation. But it never came. At the time she was still living with her parents, so I understood why she rather spend time at my place. But I couldn't understood why she didn't wanted to show me where she lived. I knew that she had a lovely room and nice parents, so I couldn't figure out any reason why she would have not invited me over.

It was all these little things, really. It seemed that she was taking more and more space away from me. She wasn't online anymore, and since our communication was based on instant messaging, I though she didn't want to talk with me anymore. She got a job and she bought the apartment. Her life was changing and I felt that by avoiding me she wanted to tell me that I had no room in it. I could say that we grew apart, except it was only she who was growing.

She kept her distance, but I waited for her to contact me. I thought that if I give her little time, she will be back on her senses and remember how great friends we were. But then she complained on her Livejournal how she doesn't have friends she could go out with. I was insulted. We used to go out and have fun, it was because of her that we stopped doing those things. So how dared she to write those things? She knew I was going to read them too. I wasn't just sorry anymore, I was angry.

We met about six months later. She came to see our mutual friend's play. I started to talk with her and it was really nice. Just like in the good old days. I almost suggested that we should go to Ooster like we used to, and drink tea liked we used to, and smoke like we used to. But she had that arrogant look on her face. Like she couldn't bother less. I knew it was over.


This was just my side of the story. V's view is probably very different, but that I will never know. I have made new friends since, but there is no one to replace V. After all these things, after all these years, I still think she's the greatest friend I have ever had. I'm sorry that our friendship had to end.

1 comment:

  1. Mä nään välillä unia kaverista jonka kanssa meni poikki joskus kasiluokalla. Haikailen vieläkin sen perään.