Tuesday, June 10, 2008

It's late at night but I'm feeling bright

I have a confession to make. (I'm sorry, Hannes, I know you're totally going to dislike this.) But little while ago I bought a pack of cigarettes. It was mostly because I was depressed.

I'm a big girl and I'm not ashamed for the fact that I smoke sometimes. It's like this one bad habit I allow myself to have. I just have some simple rules to control this. For example I never ever smoke if there's a friend present who doesn't smoke. OK, I have bended this rule, but should every rule be bended like once before they become like real rules? And I don't usually buy my own smokes. I just grab them somewhere if I want to smoke.

OK. I guess there's nothing to justify this. I smoke. I know it's not good for me. I don't do it often and if someone important enough asks me to not smoke ever again, I would gladly give up. Like there's something to give up. I've been smoking like this for years and still I'm not even a bit addicted. I guess I miss than gene.

I have my own apt now. And my own balcony. And no one to tell me I can't smoke there. So sometimes I just sit there, smoking and listening to the traffic. It makes me feel strangely connected with the world. I know I could feel the same way without smoking. It just helps me to focus.

Anyway. This all reminded me of the last poem I wrote. It was years ago and I never really finished it. It was just something I scrabbled down while I was sitting there. I'll just post it here even though it's in Finnish:
Öisin parvekkeella
kuuntelen elämisen ääniä
valoja ikkunoissa
tunnustelen tietä koteihin

En oppisi tuntemaan sinua
vaikka avaisit verhosi

Tämä kaupunki
minun jalkojeni juuressa
niin kuin minäkin
I guess I just tried to express how lonely I sometimes feel. I have everything around me but I don't feel so connected. I don't know why feeling so is important to me. I just feel like I need to be part of something bigger. But don't we all?

1 comment:

  1. Somehow I feel writing poems can even make you feel more lonely and isolated. As a literary medium, from an aesthetic point of view, I find it as something that distances you from others even more when you put down your thoughts in just a few words. It's weird.

    Btw se ranskis on paljon mukavampi ja normaalimpi livenä ku online. :P Harmi ettei tullu jo aiemmin tavattua..

    En ees muistanu et sä poltat. Tosi shokeeraavaa informaatiota! :D