I have a confession to make. (I'm sorry, Hannes, I know you're totally going to dislike this.) But little while ago I bought a pack of cigarettes. It was mostly because I was depressed.
I'm a big girl and I'm not ashamed for the fact that I smoke sometimes. It's like this one bad habit I allow myself to have. I just have some simple rules to control this. For example I never ever smoke if there's a friend present who doesn't smoke. OK, I have bended this rule, but should every rule be bended like once before they become like real rules? And I don't usually buy my own smokes. I just grab them somewhere if I want to smoke.
OK. I guess there's nothing to justify this. I smoke. I know it's not good for me. I don't do it often and if someone important enough asks me to not smoke ever again, I would gladly give up. Like there's something to give up. I've been smoking like this for years and still I'm not even a bit addicted. I guess I miss than gene.
I have my own apt now. And my own balcony. And no one to tell me I can't smoke there. So sometimes I just sit there, smoking and listening to the traffic. It makes me feel strangely connected with the world. I know I could feel the same way without smoking. It just helps me to focus.
Anyway. This all reminded me of the last poem I wrote. It was years ago and I never really finished it. It was just something I scrabbled down while I was sitting there. I'll just post it here even though it's in Finnish:
I'm a big girl and I'm not ashamed for the fact that I smoke sometimes. It's like this one bad habit I allow myself to have. I just have some simple rules to control this. For example I never ever smoke if there's a friend present who doesn't smoke. OK, I have bended this rule, but should every rule be bended like once before they become like real rules? And I don't usually buy my own smokes. I just grab them somewhere if I want to smoke.
OK. I guess there's nothing to justify this. I smoke. I know it's not good for me. I don't do it often and if someone important enough asks me to not smoke ever again, I would gladly give up. Like there's something to give up. I've been smoking like this for years and still I'm not even a bit addicted. I guess I miss than gene.
I have my own apt now. And my own balcony. And no one to tell me I can't smoke there. So sometimes I just sit there, smoking and listening to the traffic. It makes me feel strangely connected with the world. I know I could feel the same way without smoking. It just helps me to focus.
Anyway. This all reminded me of the last poem I wrote. It was years ago and I never really finished it. It was just something I scrabbled down while I was sitting there. I'll just post it here even though it's in Finnish:
Öisin parvekkeellaI guess I just tried to express how lonely I sometimes feel. I have everything around me but I don't feel so connected. I don't know why feeling so is important to me. I just feel like I need to be part of something bigger. But don't we all?
kuuntelen elämisen ääniä
valoja ikkunoissa
tunnustelen tietä koteihin
En oppisi tuntemaan sinua
vaikka avaisit verhosi
Tämä kaupunki
minun jalkojeni juuressa
huutaa
niin kuin minäkin
Somehow I feel writing poems can even make you feel more lonely and isolated. As a literary medium, from an aesthetic point of view, I find it as something that distances you from others even more when you put down your thoughts in just a few words. It's weird.
ReplyDeleteBtw se ranskis on paljon mukavampi ja normaalimpi livenä ku online. :P Harmi ettei tullu jo aiemmin tavattua..
En ees muistanu et sä poltat. Tosi shokeeraavaa informaatiota! :D