Wednesday, March 03, 2010

At least the food was great

I was at a wedding last Saturday. It was depressing. The bride had five maid or honors. Five! According the story she had five equally good friends, so she couldn't pick just one. It made me think about my future wedding. I probably won't have a maid of honor at all, because all my closest friends are guys. I'm not sure if guys are willing to be maid of honors because everybody would probably automatically assume they're gay. I do have two sisters, though, but I'm not close with them either. I could pick any stranger from the street as well.

Also the idea of having a wedding party feels really distant. I don't feel connected with my relatives. In family gatherings no one usually pays attention to me. They talk to my parents and they talk to my sisters, but no one usually even asks me how I'm doing. It's like I don't exists. And I feel too shy and self-conscious when it comes to talking to older people. I don't want a big wedding because I'm horrified about the idea of having all these strange people "celebrating" my marriage.

Right now my ideal wedding would be something really simple. Maybe a short ceremony in a small church, with both of our families present, and maybe some closest friends too if they're willing to come. And then nothing. No reception. No party. Just a wedding trip to some place nice. I can't imagine anything else, because everything else would make me feel anxious, and I don't want to feel anxious on my "special day".

Maybe I change my mind when the day comes, or maybe I don't. We'll see.


  1. For my wedding we had about 65 close realitives & friends (we both have really large families) but we got married outdoors in mid-fall at a local state park. Simple ceremony then huge BBQ buffet my Mom, brother & I cooked everything for.

    It was laid back, delicious and I wouldn't change one thing right down to the white paper table clothes the guests drew on with markers!

    When/if you do get married remember: YOU are getting married; not your family. Have as much or as little "wedding" as you want.

  2. Desiree: Thank you for your words of wisdom. You're absolutely right! And I really liked the idea of having a small laid-back outdoor party. I think I could handle that :) I just hope that when the time comes, J.R. is on the same page with me.

  3. I would be your maid of honor if only you asked. ;)

    I hate the idea of weddings for basically the same reasons. I hate the idea of being the center of attention for some old relatives that I don't really care about.

    My dream wedding would be in a registry office, with only my parents, brothers and maybe a couple friends attending. Perhaps a reception later just so that my relatives don't think I'm weird...perhaps...maybe. I'm not big on weddings, only marriage. Marriage makes sense legally and economically... :D

  4. Elina: I think it got to be you, if someone. You are, after all, my best girlfriend. It's just a shame that we don't live near each other. I would really like to see you more often :(

  5. Maybe I will move there some day, I'm just attached to Tampere somehow. There are many job opportunities in the Helsinki area, but there's also competition. Time will tell. :)

  6. When my husband and I were planning our wedding, one of the books we found very useful was How to Have the Wedding You Want (Not the One Everybody Else Wants You to Have) by Danielle Claro. (Amazon US listing here.) And if you find yourself (or anybody else) saying "we have to do this because that's what you DO at weddings!" consider that a red flag to stop and consciously consider whether it's something you really want. It might just be cultural conditioning popping up. I realized that was happening to me the day I walked past a shoe store and thought "I should go in and look at the dyeable satin shoes -- you have to have your shoes dyed to match your dress because it's a wedding ACK ACK ACK I'M TURNING INTO BRIDEZILLA HELP!" :-)

    We had a very small wedding and were quite happy with it. Not too many people, minimal stress, good food, good music, and a nice time was had by all. As far as we know, our friends and family left at the end of the day saying "that was really nice, and just the sort of party you'd expect them to have."

    And still, at the end of the day as my husband and I got into the car to go to the hotel (because our apartment was full of out-of-town friends sleeping on the sofa and in sleeping bags on the floor), he looked at me and said, "Wow, that was great. Let's never do it again."

    If it's any reassurance, in my experience (we're heading for our 12th anniversary next month), BEING married is ever so much better than GETTING married. :-)

    Oh, and as far as non-traditional attendants, I say "go for it!" Between my husband and me, we had four attendants: one straight woman, one straight man, and two lesbians. The straight man and the lesbians all wore tuxedos and the straight woman wore a dress that harmonized (white bodice with black trim and a black skirt - very tuxedo-like). Everybody looked great -- attractive and very photogenic. (I also felt good that the dress was something my maid of honor would be able to wear again for other occasions, and not some horrible pink taffeta bridesmaid-dress-of-your-nightmares thing.)

    By the way, I found your blog while searching for information on ASUS LifeFrame (your post about it is one of the top results returned by Google) & have been browsing your recent posts. Hi!