Does anything ever really change?

I've been entertaining myself by reading my old blog posts, posts from the first year I started blogging here. And I can't help but wonder if anything ever really changes. If we change, as a person. I feel like I am totally different person nowadays compared to what I was eight years ago. I am a lot happier and also a much, much healthier than back then. But still...  Maybe my life has changed around me but I am still the same person?

I still have the same hopes and dreams. I still want the same things for my life. And I still have the same insecurities. And I still feel that food is some kind of an enemy you have to battle with, even though I nowadays do eat and don't stress so much over it.

Some things have changed though. Some.

I am not as depressed and as sad as I used to be. Most of that came from the crappy relationship I was in at the time, I just didn't realize it back then. I thought it was the only good thing in my life but boy was I wrong. I still have days when I feel extremely sad or feel like disappearing completely but they are just that: days. Not weeks, not months, not years. Just days here and there and that's OK.

I have also managed to let go of my anger. At least mostly. That's another thing I wasn't able to recognize when I was younger. I used to be badly bullied at school for years and even though I managed to escape, even though I managed to survive, I carried that hate with me for years. I still feel a bit mad sometimes, mad for the people who ruined so much of my childhood, but it doesn't affect me the same way any more. When I think of those years I don't get  overwhelmed by the anger, I just feel sorry for my childhood self. I wish I could have done something.

And food. I am still funny with the subject. I still feel like I don't really need food. I just eat food because it's easier. It's still an issue but I have not allowed it to control my life anymore. I eat. I like eating. But there are days when I definitely miss the euphoria that comes from fasting and loosing ton of weight. I'm not gonna lie. It was the best feeling ever, even though it's sick to even think of it. But I have managed to correct my body image, at least for a bit. I still feel like a chubby kid inside but somehow I know now that it's not how I am on the outside. So I don't allow it to determine how I dress etc. I used to weight 10 kilos less than now, and I remember standing the fitting room thinking I looked too fat in skinny jeans and wondered how much more weight I would need to lose in order to feel good in then. And here I am now, wearing skinniest skinny jeans ever and feeling good. It wasn't about the weight at all.

I am happy that I have kept blogging through these years... though it saddens me that at some point I stopped writing about my "personal shit" (had to drop that inside joke here, even though Julia probably doesn't read my blog anymore since it's been years and years and years since we were in touch). It's nice to have something to look back to, to reflect. To see how things have changed, or if they have changed at all.

I should really start to blog more, and more personal stuff too. Just so I could one day look how my life was when I was 27. The same way I can now look at my life when I was 21.

But seriously? Does anything ever really change? Do I still feel the same things when I am 38? I hope not!

Maybe over?

Yesterday we visited the vet once again, mostly to make a new blood test to see if Niila's any better. And guess what! She's officially better! Maybe it's over now. Though it's never really over. Not with pancreatitis. She has to eat low fat food for the rest of her life. But that's a small price to pay. But what is not a small price... and the vet bills. We could have bought two new dogs with the money we spent on Niila. But yeah. It's a small price too. Like there's any other option really when it comes to your furry family members.

Niila update & Naval ships

Niila's diagnosis is now final. It's officially pancreatitis. She's also officially off her meds too. No more painkillers, no more antibiotics. The only thing she gets is Pepcid and it's for heartburn. She's still not her usual self, but she's not exactly sick either. Something between. She's eating normally and drinking normally, but she's still somehow weak and sickly. Yeah. It's not over. It's over when it's over.


I have some new macro board game photos too. These are naval ships from a board game called Merchants & Marauders:



The ships are painted by my husband, this was actually one of his first painting projects. They turned great, I love the way they are customized with the flags. It's a shame we don't play it that often nowadays. It's a nice game, good game even, but there are so many other games we rather play. One of these common board gamer problems...

Small things big + Niila update

Niila's condition did get worse. She got sick again. We decided to take her to a new vet. Our 40 minute vet appointment turned to be two hour vet appointment and I also almost passed out. A nice nurse gave me a glass of water and an apple. I wonder if the apple was her snack or something. If it was, it was really kind for her to give it to me. Anyway. Now we are treating Niila for pancreatitis. She got pain killers, so she's visibly better now. I don't know much better she is in the inside - if her intestines are any less inflamed. The vet told us to stop with Synulox antibiotics as they had obviously done her nothing. And to put Niila on a very strick low-fat diet to make the inflamed pancreas to heal. We are going to get the official results for the pancreatitis on Monday. We'll see, we'll see. At least it was a smart move to visit a new vet. Niila is still skin and bones, and weak-ish sometimes, and sleepy, but she eats like a normal pup and drinks like a normal pup. And she doesn't seem to be in any pain now, thanks to the pain killers. But like I've said many times, it's not over until it's over. Anything can happen.

Meanwhile I've taken some new pictures. I love our macro lens. I love love love it. If I would have to choose one lens to use for the rest of my life, it would be my macro lens. Ok. Maybe I might get even a better one, like something crazy expensive and awesome. But macro lens anyway.

These are space marines from a board game called Space Hulk. And they're small. They are miniatures, yet in the pictures they look huge. Almost like human size. Or maybe even bigger than human size. Transformers size? See, that's why I love the macro lens. It makes small things big!

Sick. Sicker.

Two weeks ago Niila got sick. She woke up in the morning and started to vomit. And she vomited pretty much all day until there was nothing to vomit anymore. She was restless, couldn't stay in one place long. But we thought she just had eaten something and didn't worried much. It's not unsual for the pups to vomit because something they've eaten outside or something. We just didn't give her food until the next day. She refused to eat. And she got even worse. I can't remember her being that sick ever before. She spent most of the time in this position, shivering, looking miserable:

She got so sick eventually that we got worried and took her to the vet. She got tested and x-rayed. There was nothing in her stomach, but her instestines were inflamed. We got antibiotics and some medicine to prevent her from vomiting. The meds seemed to help, she got visibly better. She started to eat again. We even called the vet to tell them that she's OK again. But that didn't last long. She started to vomit again, started to get restless.  She got even more sick that the first round. She couldn't sleep because her little body was shivering so much. It was pain to watch. She was so tired that when she did fell asleep it was really hard to get her awake. We actually need to shake her a little. She was still on the antibiotics but clearly something was not working right. She wasn't getting better. Sometimes she even tried to sleep standing up, it was too uncomfortable gor her to sleep on her stomach.

We took her to te vet again. They checked her stomach with ultrasound and told us that her uterus is filled with fluids. That she needed surgery. They booked a surgery time for her the following day. But when we got there the next day, the vet said that he wanted to check the uters again. And this time it was perfectly normal. They took new tests and even though she had been on antibiotics, the results show that her intestines had actually got even more inflamed. They took new x-rays. Still nothing new. We had no clue what was making her sick, even the vet was more than puzzled. She was sick, then she got better, then she got sick again...

And the end result of that vet visit: one really sick dog and new antibiotics on top the old ones. And it takes days to see if the new antibiotics work! She didn't eat anything for two days. She was all skin and bones already. She slept all the time. We didn't know what to do with her. We just waited. The vet told us to come back if she doesn't eat the next day. But she did eat. And she's been eating since for two whole days now! And she looks better. She doesn't shiver anymore. She's still not her usual self but she doesn't appear to be so crazy sick anymore. We still need to get her tested in the vet to see if the antibiotics have really helped this time. I mean she did seem to get better before but not really. The tests showed otherwise.

Niila's medicines are quite impressive at the moment. The antibiotics she are getting are Synulox Vet (the one that didn't help in the beginning) and Trikozol 400mg (this is actually meant for humans!) Then she has Cerenia to prevent her from vomiting. Then she gets Antepsin oral fluid and Pepcid to calm her stomach, and Inupekt Forte to support intestinal well-being. And on top of everything, she is only allowed to eat Hill's Prescription Diet i/d. 

I hope she keeps getting better. She still has some weight to gain back, some energy to gain back... Yeah. It's not over until it's over. At least it looks really promising right now.