Some thoughts about 2016

I feel there is something to be said about the year 2016. At the same time I don't know what to say or even where to start. The things that happened last year were pretty massive. And by massive I mean pretty life changing experiences. I am in no way at the same point in my life as I was in last January. It has been a real journey, with all the struggles, victories and accomplishments. 

Struggles, oh struggles. Moving in together with my boyfriend and forming a commune with to others was so difficult at first that I oftentimes thought about simply giving up. Social anxiety mixed with adjusting living with three new persons was definitely not an easy task to tackle. My first month was spent with nonstop anxiety and panic attacks. But I did it, and I got used to it, and in the end I loved it. It is hard to imagine it now though. My roommates no longer cause me any kind of anxiety.

And it is another victory of mine. I have all my life felt like I am not good enough, not good enough compared to others. And moving in with my boyfriend and our roommates cause me anxiety because I felt that I was somehow not good enough, not cool enough, not interesting enough. I used to say that they made me feel like a stone among bananas and other fruits. It was hard to fit in and it felt impossible to even imagine ever fitting in. And guess what. I still feel like a stone, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It just means that I am different. And different does not mean better or worse. I don't mind being a stone. I am a good stone, more like a jewel than your ordinary rock.

I struggled at work too, but somehow I made something out of it. I still feel a bit suck career wise but on the other hand I definitely love my job. I get to do the things I love and also the things that I do good. I think the direction I am going to is definitely more on the positive side. A lot can happen this year, who knows. Maybe this new year is my year when it comes to my career and professional life. I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed and my eyes open for new opportunities.

Last year I also started my medication. The medication was definitely not a struggle, no side effects or whatsoever. But the struggle was to get there, and I am still proud of myself for doing that. It was probably one of my biggest accomplished last year. And I feel that the medication has helped me. I still feel some bangs of depression every now and then but it keeps getting better and better. I am still thinking about the therapy. I know that I should but I have felt so good lately that I have been wondering whether I need it anymore. I have gotten all my life sorted out that I don't know what good therapy could do. Still definitely thinking about it, I have not decided against it yet. It would do me good but right now I would like to focus on the good things. 

I already mentioned that moving in with my boyfriend was bit of a struggle and it took bit of a time to get it working. It's so different to actually live with something compared to just seeing each other on the weekends and every now and then. It felt like learning a new language or something. But it was worth the struggle. I can honestly say that right now I am most happiest in a relationship that I have ever been. And this comes from a girl who got married once. I still don't compare relationships but I compare the way I feel right now. For the first time ever I don't have to live with the guilt of not being good enough or being the badly faulty one. I finally feel like a whole person and it feels amazing. I am not saying that everything is blissful and perfect, life hardly ever is. But I feel better than ever and it makes everything better than ever. One could say I am very deeply in love. I am.

I also feel that last year I gained a family. I mentioned in my previous post that my family is quite dysfunctional. I don't know how to communicate or contact with them. Sometimes I feel like I live on a different planet, and in a way I do. They have their own lives far away from me and I am the alien visitor who comes every now and then and joins their fests and then moves on. And I am used to that and I am okay with that. I love them but they come with an unnecessary burden. I have my surrogate family now. I have my boyfriend, I have our dogs, I have my roommates, I have my boyfriends family. I have the kind of family now that feels safe and loving. I hate to say even the tiny bit bad things about my own family since I love them but to be honest I have never felt that they could be my safety net or that they could support me in my life choices. I don't mind being adopted by this new family. It is exactly what I have always wanted. I've wanted a family that feels loving and caring and welcoming. And this is it. My own surrogate family. 

I'm trying to think about what I want from this new year. I don't know because I feel that everything big already happened last year. There are no new year's resolutions to make. The only resolution I can make to myself is to promise that I enjoy these past year's victories and accomplishes and feel  so incredibly blessed that I overcame all the struggles. I've earned. We all have.

XYZ

I would love to blog more about my life in a commune, but I feel there is nothing interesting to tell. To me living in a commune is just living. The longer I live with the people I share the apartment with, the more ordinary and easy it becomes. It's like working with a team of people. You never take a moment at work to wonder how you ever end up working with those people, and especially you don't wonder why they work in the same place in the first place. Our living arrangement is the same to me. I no longer stop to think about these things as they have become so normal and ordinary to me. I never look at my roommates and wonder what they are doing in the same apartment with me. My boyfriend and my roommates feel more like an odd family, like people I expect to live with me. It's strange and completely normal at the same time.

Also, the longer I live with my boyfriend and my roommates the more I wonder why they are so many people who choose to live alone. In a way it makes sense to me, but most of the time it doesn't. I get the idea of freedom, the idea of doing whatever you want whenever you want. But more than freedom I enjoy the life around me, the living breathing human beings and the little noises and the little signs of things happening. Our apartment feels eery when I am home alone. It feels wrong, like its soul is missing and I can't get a rest. I'm not sure I could ever choose solitude. I like the feeling of not being alone. It gives me joy and comfort. I don't even need to see my roommates or my boyfriend, nor hear them, I just need to know they exist and it makes me happy.

I know I am strange girl and feeling strange things and living a strange life. But it suits me. It suits me just fine. And I feel that these are the best things that have ever happened to me. Life is full of surprises and I have come to realize that there are always more surprises around the corner, waiting for me. I can't really foretell where I end up. I just need to live it to see it.

The story of "us"

This is the story of us. And by "us" I mean the story of our commune. Who are we and how did we end up living in the same apartment?

There are four of us. I am one and I am Amoena, the writer of this thing I call as my blog. Then there is my boyfriend who originally (afaik) got the idea of a commune and made it a reality. I shall call my boyfriend as I.B. here since using initials has always been my way of referring other people in my blog. Then there is M.R who is actually an ex of my boyfriend, but don't get fooled. Our commune is not some kind of weird polyamory arrangement, it's just the way it is. Besides she's a lesbian now, and it makes it more OK. I sometimes find it kinda cool to say that I live together with my boyfriend's ex. Since it makes me sound like all tolerant and shit, even though I have never ever really thought of her as his girlfriend. And the last person is T.R, my boyfriends best friend. There is nothing particular to say about him, except that he maybe was a monkey in his past life. He's not hairy, no, but he seems to like hanging upside down like one.

You can probably get the logic now. We're all connected by one person, and that one person is my boyfriend. And I was the last addition to the group. I've never seen us as a group though but if I did I would feel blessed to be accepted in it. I'm hardly ever accepted to anything and nobody has ever adopted me in that manner either. But I'm as close to being accepted and adopted than I ever will be, I guess.

When I first heard of the idea of living in a commune I was like yes, let's do it. But I had this doubt in my mind that it would be one of those things that we just keep talking about. Like one of those dreams or goals, like going out on a trip or making something big happen. Like quitting a job and starting an own business. That kind of thing.

It was not just that alone that made me doubt. It's actually quite hard to find an apartment that fits four adults. Most bigger apartments are meant for families with kids, and they have one master bedroom and them considerably smaller rooms for the kids. Big rooms are hard to find. Another obstacle was to find apartment that suited our life: none of us wanted to make our commute longer and we all worked in a very different directions.

So I kinda assumed that we would just keep talking about it and keep looking for the apartments and never really fining anything suitable. But actually we find the right apartment quite fast in the end. If I remember even half correctly it only took couple months of active searching. Though it took some time to get in that active searching phase... Anyway.

Our apartment is not perfect and I think most of us had to make compromises. The room I share with I.B. is actually quite small for two persons, though the size it makes quite cozy and nice. It's like our little nest. M.R. has not one but two rooms for herself, but they are small so one is her bedroom and one is her study. She seems to be content with the solution even though I was originally afraid that she would just compromise to make us happy. T.R. probably had to make a compromise with the location of his room because his room is probably the noisiest because it's just next to our nest and the bathroom and the kitchen and all. It's like a black hole that sucks all the noise.

But even though our apartment is not perfect it is still our home. And it will get better as we get more used to it, when we live longer in it.

And so that is life

A lot has happened in my life. I got married. I bought a house with my husband. I got divorced and sold my share of the house to my husband. We divided the dogs, I now only have one. But you know what? All that is life and life goes on after that. Just bring it on, bring it on.

I found a new love. It didn't come without obstacles but it was worth it. It somehow became everything I ever wanted. It's not like there was something wrong with my marriage, though there definitely was since it's over now, but there is something else now. I can't explain it but I  can feel it and it feels just great. I gave up a lot of things but I ended up gaining new, unexpected things. It's like my life was strongly heading to one direction, to this ordinary life, but then I just turned around and it become something else.

I think I could be considered as someone who leads an alternative lifestyle. But to me it is called life and it is something I  call as normal. I now life together with my boyfriend like any other girl who ended up falling in love with someone. But we share our home with two other persons.

We like to call our living arrangement as a commune but in reality we're more like regular roommates. We just happen to be work-going adults instead of poor students. Me and my boyfriend share a room and the others have their own rooms. We don't cook together or anything very commune-like. We have our own individual lives. But I like it that way. I'm not really social anyway and I am more than happy to spend time alone with my boyfriend. Like any other girl who has ended falling in love with someone.

But this new life has changed my interests. Not tremendously though since I still run. Running never goes away. I've already signed for 10K race and for my first half marathon. But I picked up baking. Baking is great and I'm getting a hang of it. I think I'm becoming more motherly, always baking things for my boys to enjoy. I've baked cakes, pies, cookies and everything and I am constantly trying to find new cool things to bake and new ways to improve my recipes.

And I've been meaning to pick up blogging again. I even borrowed a laptop to do it, but this is the first time I actually got around to do it. It's been on my calendar for months. It's so hard to start something again that you have neglected for such a long time. But I should try as writing/blogging is one of the things that do make me happy. Words make me happy.

I know that my blog has no readers but I don't mind. I always, always blog for myself. And even when I don't blog... I still do. All this time when I have not been updating this blog, I have still writing my own secret, childish diaries, notes and lyrics and all that. Writing is like running, it never really goes away. Never. I just need to continue from where I left.

In the future there are some topics I'd like to write more about. One is about my life in the commune. I don't want to get into details as others really don't have a say in the things I write and I tend to respect privacy. But about the general idea of being an adult and living with roommates. I think it should be advertised more as it is actually a really, really nice and economical way to live.

And second is baking, my newest and currently my dearest hobby. I would like to share my triumphs and no-triumphs with pictures and maybe even recipes if I ever get so far to have my own. My blog as always been about me and about the things I enjoy and that is currently what I enjoy. I want here to be bread porn and noms. Maybe more noms than bread porn but anyway.

And thirdly... just everything. Everything there is between waking up and going to bed every night. I don't put myself into a box. This blog has been about so many things already that I can add in anything. Maybe I start to write in Swedish when I write it fluently. Maybe I start doing something else.

I hope that I can keep this up, Blogging I mean. Not like every day obsessed kinda way but in a way that makes me happy about it. This scares me a lot, you know, Starting again. Took me months to find the courage as I thought this blog would be dead already. But like everything, this too has come with obstacles and it's time to get over them. Time to pull the head out the sand, to suck it up, to do it.

And so that is life. As it is right now. And it's good. It's still good.