Struggles, oh struggles. Moving in together with my boyfriend and forming a commune with to others was so difficult at first that I oftentimes thought about simply giving up. Social anxiety mixed with adjusting living with three new persons was definitely not an easy task to tackle. My first month was spent with nonstop anxiety and panic attacks. But I did it, and I got used to it, and in the end I loved it. It is hard to imagine it now though. My roommates no longer cause me any kind of anxiety.
And it is another victory of mine. I have all my life felt like I am not good enough, not good enough compared to others. And moving in with my boyfriend and our roommates cause me anxiety because I felt that I was somehow not good enough, not cool enough, not interesting enough. I used to say that they made me feel like a stone among bananas and other fruits. It was hard to fit in and it felt impossible to even imagine ever fitting in. And guess what. I still feel like a stone, but it does not feel like a bad thing. It just means that I am different. And different does not mean better or worse. I don't mind being a stone. I am a good stone, more like a jewel than your ordinary rock.
I struggled at work too, but somehow I made something out of it. I still feel a bit suck career wise but on the other hand I definitely love my job. I get to do the things I love and also the things that I do good. I think the direction I am going to is definitely more on the positive side. A lot can happen this year, who knows. Maybe this new year is my year when it comes to my career and professional life. I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed and my eyes open for new opportunities.
Last year I also started my medication. The medication was definitely not a struggle, no side effects or whatsoever. But the struggle was to get there, and I am still proud of myself for doing that. It was probably one of my biggest accomplished last year. And I feel that the medication has helped me. I still feel some bangs of depression every now and then but it keeps getting better and better. I am still thinking about the therapy. I know that I should but I have felt so good lately that I have been wondering whether I need it anymore. I have gotten all my life sorted out that I don't know what good therapy could do. Still definitely thinking about it, I have not decided against it yet. It would do me good but right now I would like to focus on the good things.
I already mentioned that moving in with my boyfriend was bit of a struggle and it took bit of a time to get it working. It's so different to actually live with something compared to just seeing each other on the weekends and every now and then. It felt like learning a new language or something. But it was worth the struggle. I can honestly say that right now I am most happiest in a relationship that I have ever been. And this comes from a girl who got married once. I still don't compare relationships but I compare the way I feel right now. For the first time ever I don't have to live with the guilt of not being good enough or being the badly faulty one. I finally feel like a whole person and it feels amazing. I am not saying that everything is blissful and perfect, life hardly ever is. But I feel better than ever and it makes everything better than ever. One could say I am very deeply in love. I am.
I also feel that last year I gained a family. I mentioned in my previous post that my family is quite dysfunctional. I don't know how to communicate or contact with them. Sometimes I feel like I live on a different planet, and in a way I do. They have their own lives far away from me and I am the alien visitor who comes every now and then and joins their fests and then moves on. And I am used to that and I am okay with that. I love them but they come with an unnecessary burden. I have my surrogate family now. I have my boyfriend, I have our dogs, I have my roommates, I have my boyfriends family. I have the kind of family now that feels safe and loving. I hate to say even the tiny bit bad things about my own family since I love them but to be honest I have never felt that they could be my safety net or that they could support me in my life choices. I don't mind being adopted by this new family. It is exactly what I have always wanted. I've wanted a family that feels loving and caring and welcoming. And this is it. My own surrogate family.
I'm trying to think about what I want from this new year. I don't know because I feel that everything big already happened last year. There are no new year's resolutions to make. The only resolution I can make to myself is to promise that I enjoy these past year's victories and accomplishes and feel so incredibly blessed that I overcame all the struggles. I've earned. We all have.
