The first of May

Exactly three years ago I experienced my first serious mental breakdown. It was the first of May, just like today, and I couldn't handle it. In case you don't live in Finland you probably don't know what the first of May is about. But it's about drinking. A lot. And I happen to be a teetotaler. And if that's not bad enough, my (now ex) boyfriend was trying to make me drink even though I made him very clear how I felt about it. I was very pressured.

But it wasn't only the drinking part though that eventually made me flip. It all made me feel sick. I saw everything happening around me and I just wanted it to go away. I couldn't breathe because of all the people around me. I couldn't relax because I felt uncomfortable being there. And I was hurt to see how people didn't care about the environment. They just kept breaking bottles and glasses and throwing trash everywhere like they were some kind of animals.

My anxiety kept rising and rising. And then it all went down. It was frightening.

The following years I refused to go back. When the first of May came I locked myself indoors. I was traumatized and I was sure that I was going to flip again if I had to go back. But today, when Ossi asked me to join him and his friends, I decided it's time to get over it. So I said OK, let's do this thing.

I didn't expect it to be easy and it wasn't easy. We went through pretty much all the same places and I kept having these flashbacks. This is where he tried to make me drink. This is where he hugged that other girl. This is where he left me alone. This is where I started to cry. This is where I hit him. This is where I finally had enough. This is where I started to run. This is where I said "I hate you". Of course I said nothing to the others. I just walked where they walked and smiled when they smiled. I didn't feel like talking, I was too busy processing my feelings. I went from anxious to more and more relaxed. Clearly it wasn't for me, but I was able to hold myself together with no bigger problems.

I feel somehow purified. And stronger.

Thank you.

Can I close my eyes now?

I saw an accident. Or the place where the accident happened. I was going home with my boss when suddenly the traffic slowed down. Then I saw it. It was on the other side of the road. Two police cars, two ambulances, two firetrucks. Crashed cars. A motorbike. And, oh yeah, one dead body.

This is the closest I've ever been to death.

Note to self

Next time delete all sensitive content from your laptop before showing off your stuff.

Any help with Asus LifeFrame?

Whoa. My Asus makes it so easy to show off my inner nerd. Just like that. Here is me, doing some code and looking happy:

OK. Seriously. Asus LifeFrame is quite handy. But where does it save my pictures and videos? There are some default folders in C:\ProgramData\ASUS\LifeFrame2\LifeFrame but it shows me no files?

EDIT: The files can be found on C:\ProgramData\ASUS\LifeFrame2\LifeFrame as Jordi pointed out. I got confused with ProgramData and ProgramFiles.

Vista is not Ubuntu but it will do if I just bite my lip

I have used Windows Vista for few days now and I'm finally starting to get used to this. Though there's not much good I could say about this except this is pretty indeed. I just keep comparing this to Ubuntu even though I know it only makes me frustrated.

It's Ubuntu's desktop functionality I miss most. All the applications are easily replaced but that's something Vista simply doesn't offer. I was actively using different workspaces for different tasks as I often also rearranged my windows if I happened to open them in illogical order. And do I have to mention that I miss my upper panel like crazy? Now everything is just crammed down there and it's so not nice.

Couldn't they just crossbreed Vista and Ubuntu. I would totally appreciate Windows OS with some serious Linux flexibility.

Someone asked for the specs:

17.1" WXGA+ Glare
Intel Core 2 Duo T8300
NVIDIA 9500M GS 256Mb
3Gb DDR2
250GB SATA

And by the way this is Asus A7SN.

Yesterday I took this to Aleksi's place so we could set up LAN and transfer my files from his PC to me. It took all night to install all my programs and getting my music and movies but it was worth the waiting. Now this feels like mine and I can actually do things with this. Before my own stuff this was just an empty shell with zero personality.

Update

I got a new laptop.

And Windows Vista.

More later.

Much ado about T

This morning at work our black cleaner saw me washing my mug. He asked me if I drink coffee but I said I only drink tea. He got all excited and asked me what tea I prefer. Since I hate speaking English (no one ever understands what I'm trying to say) I only said "black" with a big grin on my face. I guess he got the joke since he answered "You know what I like, I like white tea".

My tea closet was running out of good loose tea so yesterday I bought some more. I used to think that tea bags are more handy than loose tea, but it depends on how you make it. Tea bags are easier to use if the other choice is loose tea and a tea pot. But this is how I make loose tea:

1. I measure the right amount of water: about 5dl for two drinkers
2. I measure the right amout of loose tea: one tea spoon per 2dl and one extra.
3. I plug-in my tea maker:

And it couldn't get any easier. And the tea always tastes good. You just can't go wrong unless you measure the tea very wrongly... But let's just keep this long story short and move on. Please meet the new members of my tea closet family:


This is what you get to drink if you visit me

I have started to drink my tea without milk. I realized that as long as I drink my tea with milk and sugar it will taste like milk and sugar. And it's about time for me to grow up and start tasting the tea in my tea.

Moral issues

Sometimes I'm ashamed of my low moral. I wonder if my parents ever taught me any morality at all. I do know what is right and what is wrong. But I have no problems with choosing the wrong way if it benefits me and it's not like seriously illegal.

For example if there's an opened pack of cookies. They're not mine but I definitely want one. And I let myself to take one if I know it won't do any harm and that no one will ever even notice. I know it's not exactly right but I don't think it is wrong either.

But I rather have low moral than super moral.

I used to study in a school where you had to buy copy cards to make copies. Those cards were quite expensive as they were also a necessity. Teachers obviously had to make copies too, but they get their copy cards for free. Teacher's copy cards looked different so you couldn't mix those two.

Once my friend found a teacher's copy card but she had another friend with her. And this friend said that she can't take it. Because it would be stealing. Let's rewind: A teacher looses his copy card he had got for free. He can get a new one whenever he wants. For free. So is it wrong to take it?

If you think it is then you have what I call as a super moral. And it's annoying! To my friend´s luck I happen to meet her when she was still holding the card and I encouraged her to keep it. She instantly saved like 100 euros so you can imagine how happy she was.

I think it's perfectly OK to have a high moral. But if it's like sky high it can get really ridiculous.

What must be done

I have started to live my life in a different way. I feel as I've been given a second chance and I really want to do things right this time. I need to learn some independence and responsibility to grow as a person. One reason why I wanted to break up with Aleksi was that I felt as he was holding me back. Now it's time to prove that I can be something more than I was with him. And when I'm done, when I can finally take care of myself, I can start considering a new relationship.

Today I vacuumed my apartment for the second time ever. Last time I vacuumed I totally lost my nerve but now I was kinda enjoying myself. And I didn't even cheat! Strange things are happening here! And once I got started I also dusted, washed the dishes and some clothes too... I never thought that doing chores could be so addictive. Or maybe I'm just trying to keep myself busy so I won't notice how lonely I am.

Note to self

Your phone should not say "boo you whore" every time you get a text message. Especially if your female boss happens to be next to you.

How to make candy cookies

You know you're a bit nerdy when you bake cookies and take pictures of it... and later turn your kitchen experience into a tutorial. But I simply couldn't resist.

Amoena's Candy Cookies
(level: amateur, time: ~15 minutes, cost:~2 euros)



To make these delicious cookies you will need some hard sugar coated chocolate buttons (about 100g is enough).



Smash about 2/3 of your chocolate buttons. If your buttons are small, here's a tip: save the original plastic package, throw few buttons in and use an end of a rolling-pin to smash them one by one. Otherwise you can just smash them as you like.



Turn on your oven when you have finished with all that smashing. Go up to 175 degrees.



Now it's time to make the dough. You will need:

1 cup of sugar
1 egg
1 and a half cup of wheat flour
half teaspoon of baking powder
50 grams of margarine

One cup is about one deciliter.

First mix sugar with margarine. I recommend you use an electronic mixer for this since it takes less time and effort.

Then mix your baking powder with the wheat flour.

Now mix everything including the smashed chocolate buttons. It should look like this:



Use two spoons to pick cookie sized portions of the dough to a cookie sheet. Leave lot's of space around the cookies because they flatten in the oven. You don't want to end up with one big cookie.



Bake the cookies for 15 minutes. And let them cool before you eat them!

Yes. They look weird. But I tested them on my aunt, my uncle and on J.R. and they all said they were delicious and I believe them.

Kyllä äiti =)

Mulla taitaa kyllä olla hiukan erilainen käsitys koodaamisesta kuin työpaikan huoltomiehillä...

Please MTV, pimp my personality

Have you ever watched MTV's MADE? I remember the first episode that I saw. It was dubbed in German and all I understood was that each episode was about one ugly duckling becoming a swan. And now that I'm the only one to dominate the TV I have started to watch it from MTV Finland again. If you have not seen or heard about MADE, here is a short Wikipedia description:

The series follows teens who wish to be "made" into singers, athletes, dancers, skateboarders, etc. The teens are joined by a "Made Coach", an expert in their chosen field, who try to help them attain their goals over the course of several weeks. Made documents the process the teens undergo as they try to achieve their goal.

And I find it truly inspiring. Those kids try out something they have only been dreaming of. Usually it's something conflicting too. Like lately (I don't know what season they're airing here) they have turned a fat chic to a ballerina and a very girly girl to a hockey player. I guess the main point of MADE is that whatever we want to achieve, it is possible with hard work. It is possible to redefine who you are. You can be a fat chic. Or ballerina. It's up to you.

So what I would I want to be if I could be "made"? This is easy one to answer. I would like to be made into a pole dancer. Though I don't want to have like stripper identity, I just would like to try out pole dancing. Seriously. Have you seen those amateur pole dancing videos on Youtube? It looks like so much fun! Though I don't really care for the dancing part either but the super whirly things around the pole...

And it would be something conflicting too. I am clumsy and I'm always bumping into furniture and walls and stuff. I can't even dance since it feels like I had three legs or more. I'm just completely hopeless. And I'm not so feminine with my moves, I think I even walk quite manly. Not to mention that I happen to be a nerd and it seems that nerds are not so into sports anyways.

So please MTV, pimp my personality?

New stuff

Aleksi officially moved out on Thursday so I'm living alone now. I have been reorganizing my stuff and redecorating... and of course cleaning every corner like crazy. I even took the carpet out to dust it. I think this place looks too tidy for my taste now but I try to keep it that way. It's better not to feel too homey since I have to move out within six months anyway.

I took some pictures to show off my new blogging environment. It's definitely a lot more inspiring now!


My lamp seems to be invisible. But it's there, the yellow circle in the middle.


Featuring my nerdy morning glasses.


These curtains turned out to be too short so I used my imagination.

Those who know me in real life probably have noticed that I always wear a scarf. I feel weird if I don't have anything around my neck. Like naked. Anyway. I've been looking for a scarf with a vintage flower pattern and finally my mom found me this second hand cutey:


This is exactly what I wanted... except I wanted it black.

Like a sperm in the desert

My microphone is finally working on Ubuntu, but the sound quality is below poor. I guess I should change some settings but I'm running out of ideas. I have tried pretty much everything now. It just keeps adding this most annoying noise to what ever I'm trying to record. It's driving me crazy because I totally feel like recording something decent.

And I started to listen to this old recording of mine. It's from the summer 2006 and I remember how it took hours to get it right... Though I didn't. I guess I was too focused on the right timing that I didn't notice how I'm singing "like a sperm in the desert" instead of "storm".

Amoena - Annie's Song

I have always known that I can't pronounce English correctly. It doesn't keep me from blogging though.

UlosPäätä?

My bright moment

Finland is a bilingual country even though only about 5,5% of the population is actually speaking Swedish. That's odd, right? But I guess we Finns just like to honor our history or something. I really don't mind about the whole bilingual thing as long as I don't have to speak Swedish.

I have to use IBS Enterprise at work and for some reason its user interface is bilingual too. I think they just got really lazy when they were translating it. For example it might ask me in Finnish if I really want to close a tab but then I have to choose my answer between Swedish "JA" or "NEJ". So technically I'm forced to use Swedish every day and I have started to build some kind of strange attraction to it.

And today I even found myself thinking that I could study it more on my own time. But I wasn't really serious with the idea. It was like one of those ideas you never even try to carry out. You just play with them because they could made you sound so much smarter but aren't really you. Like when you think you should read more when you don't even like reading. Generally a good idea but not exactly realistic.

But I kept playing with this absurd idea of mine. Like how speaking Swedish could benefit me in my life. And then I went even further. I started to think how cool it could be if I could befriend with a Swedish Finn.

Wouldn't that be something?

And then I forgot the whole stupid thing.

Until like five minutes later.

When I remembered that I already have a friend who speaks fluent Swedish. Not that I've heard but that's what he says.

One goal achieved! Hooray!

Synchronized thoughts

(19:58:25) Hanz: sä oot kyl ottanu aika riskin et asut yksin linuxin kaa
(19:58:25) Amoena: jännää kyl olla tälleen joku viikko pari linux only

Excuses in disguise

I can't believe it's been a week since my last post. I do have plenty of excuses, but I know I don't have to make any.

I've been waiting for a good occasion to go to Viiala than just a regular weekend. But whenever there's a little holiday my aunt and uncle go there and then there's no room for me. So I spent my last weekend there, which explains why my blog is a few posts short. I could have blogged from there, but I was too busy eating and getting stuff. Anyway.

My mom gave me new curtains. They're like from the 80's and absolutely hideous. I'll post some pictures as soon as they're on. I'm going to make some other changes too as soon as Aleksi moves out. He already has an apartment and he's like half way there. He's just waiting for his fridge to start working or something. Anyway. I just want my place to really look like mine. It used to be our home for over three years and I don't want to live in the middle of relics or anything. I'm ready for something fresh.

And on Monday I had a small social gathering. First Mikke (formerly known as M.) asked if he could come over because his class was canceled. And since J.R. was still hanging around and Hannes didn't seem to have anything better to do I asked them to come over too. I like how these things happen spontaneously and almost like out of the blue. Only Ossi was missing, and I kinda really missed him. It would have been like in the old days when we were still working together, except even better since there's no time limits at my house and I had cookies.

By the way, I received a comment from PartyFlickan. I feel honored. I've been reading her blog for like forever and I was devastated when she stopped updating her first blog. So thanks for the sequel, it's definitely one of my Finnish favorites.

Hmm... I guess they don't pay me for blogging, I better start working!