Higher and higher

Yesterday I went for a walk with J.R. I would have asked him to come over but Aleksi was at home so it wasn't really an option. But I'm glad it turned out that way since the weather was absolutely terrific. It wasn't raining, it wasn't windy and it wasn't cold. Just perfect for a little walk.

Eventually we found our way to a very nice playground. And since I'm obsessed with playgrounds I suggested us to go swinging, and J.R. was cool with that. I think there is something extremely meditative in swinging. You just swing up and down and up and down. As the world was really just that simple for a moment. Why do adults stop swinging? It's like the most relaxing thing to do and it's totally free of charge. Though you have to find some good swings first. They're not all made for adults, you know.

And J.R. was very quiet as usually. I remember how there was a time when it made me feel a bit awkward but nowadays I think I have totally got used to it. I know that when I'm with him I can talk if I feel like talking, or I can stay silent like he does. I gotta value that.

Single? Is that a fruit?

I need a place of my own. But it's not that easy. I still want to live in Leppävaara or somewhere near it. I know that someday my friends are probably moving far away from this place but I still want to stay here as long as this feels like home. I simply can't picture myself living anywhere else. These places mean things to me and they have a history. It's already enough radical to end a long-term relationship, I'm not ending anything else. Not right now.

Due to Aleksi's recent questions I have realized that I am single for the first time of my life. I was so young when we started to date that I never thought myself as a single back then. I was like just blooming and then Aleksi appeared. I was never actively seeking contacts with boys or anything. It just happened. Anyway. I'm finding this a bit difficult to handle. I'm NOT saying that I regret this break-up or anything. I just can't identify myself not being in a relationship since everything is still the same. We just don't do the things that we used to do as a solid couple.

And Aleksi told to his parents. He said they were cool about it. I expected the opposite.

Hoodieville

Yesterday I was bored so I went to Sello. I like to go there like one hour before it closes when it's a lot less crowded. Anyway. I end up buying a basic hoodie from H&M. It's black, obviously, and it has a metallic zipper. And I'm totally in love with it. I didn't remember how cool and comfortable hoodies can be. This is definitely my new favourite!



Smiley with braces :P

Fruity loops and deadly grunts

I've been longing for an easier way to make music and now I got FL Studio 7. I don't know if I ever manage to get anything good out of it since so far it has only made me feel super frustrated. Yeah. It has a very simple user interface and stuff, but sometimes, too often actually, it's not logical. And I want logic when it comes to software! I don't want to waste time thinking "why on earth this is behaving like this, this makes no sense". Or maybe I should just watch few tutorials more on Youtube.

Since this is already music related post...

On Monday my boss complained how her teenage daughter is wearing all black and listening to Korn. I don't know why but I interfered the conversation by saying that in my opinion Korn is like easy listening. Need I say that they didn't exactly agree with me? Anyway. I just meant to say that she could be listening to even more extreme music. For God's sake, my friend Hannes is listening to Korn, and he also likes shit like Neljä Ruusua! So in my head those belong to the same category.

And I have found two cool bands!

OK. To be honest I have known Anathema for weeks now. I tried it out because it was supposed to be death metal. But I didn't read how they've changed their style to alternative rock since. So I got the wrong album considering what I was looking for, but to my surprise I really liked this one song called "A Natural Disaster". But it wasn't until now when I started to like the whole album. It's like soulful and a bit electric.

And the other band is death metal, melodic death metal, to be precise. It's called Intestine Baalism and it's the kind of metal music I love most. Definitely not easy listening but totally worth trying if you happen to like death grunts and superior guitar playing and stuff. It's just awesome. Though I'm not sure what the lyrics are about. I'm not sure if they even are "lyrics".

PS: How to Appreciate Death Metal.

I like my coffee black just like my metal

Except I like tea. And death metal. But I hope you got the point.

I have been sleeping a lot lately. I go for a little nap after work but it's never just a nap. Normally I sleep trough the evening. I maybe wake up like 8pm when the day is already over. And yeah, I go to bed really late because I'm not exactly so tired anymore. I think I should try to make some sense to my sleeping routine. I don't know how long I can carry on like this.

And sleeping more is like the first sympton of my depression kicking in. I just sleep and then I start to feel like shit. So I should really cut this here. Though I have started to feel a bit teary too so it might be too late.

By the way, I'm blogging from work. But I'm on a break. And I'm drinking tea I made for myself. And now that I have nearly drank it I noticed that my mug got stains on it. But I guess it won't kill me.

Amoena is commuting like crazy

Today I got a chance to try out how long it actually takes to travel to Vantaa. That's where I work nowadays. And it's not as bad as I expected! First I walk to Leppävaara train station and take a train to Pasila. At Pasila I switch to other train which takes me to Tikkurila. And there I jump to a buss that takes me to Ikea of Vantaa. And I work so close to Ikea that I could actually go there and buy some new cheap furniture during my 30 minute lunch break.


This is the train I got myself in.

And it takes exactly one hour to get from one door to other door. I guess it's not bad?

Making things official

My mom called me today. I knew she would since she calls me every Sunday. And I knew I had to tell her that we are like divorcing here. And now it's done. I have to admit that telling her has been the hardest part so far. I was so worried about letting her down. But she wasn't angry or disappointed or anything. She wasn't even surprised. She said that she had felt that things are not as they used to be but that she never dared to say anything.

But it's still a bit weird that she wasn't surprised. Since I have never talk about these things with her. How could she knew? I live far away, she never visits me. We talk via phone once a week. Was this really so obvious to everyone else? Since M. also said that he felt that there is something funny in our relationship but didn't say anything until I told him.

Anyway. Now this is official.
R.I.P 1.2.2003-1.2.2008

This is what you wanted to know

I think it's time to answer to those people who have googled their way to my blog by using straight questions:

What is Kefexin?

If only I could get an euro everytime someone googles for Kefexin and ends up here. Kefexin is just antibiotics and yeah, you can mix it with alcohol. It won't kill you.

What does amoena mean?

Amoena is a Latin word and it means "pleasant" or like "beautiful". But you can only use it if you're talking about places, it's not used on humans.

What do girls like to talk about?

I guess I should know since I'm a girl, but honestly I have no idea. I'm a bit out of that league. But I like to talk about movies, music, blogging, cute boys and all things nerdy.

What makes a woman immature?

I guess it is what she prioritize in life. If she's all about hedonistic shopping and partying, yeah, that's immature. And if she can't take any responsibility or can't control her life in general. This is what came to my mind first.

How to listen to music in ubuntu?

For example: 1. Install ubuntu-restricted-extras. 2. Install the music player of your choice. 3. Install any torrent software of your choice. 4. Download any music of your choice. 5. Listen to the music of your choisce on the music player of your choice. Shouldn't be so hard?

What happened to freeman apricot and wild cherry lathering face scrub?

Omg? Did something happened to it? It's my favourite face scrub. I better start looking for a new product then. Add sad face here.

What is it about? The man with the child in his eyes.

It's Kate Bush so it's probably just some meaningless mumbo jumbo. But it's indeed one af my favourite Kate Bush songs anyway.

Another announcement

Aleksi and I are breaking up. Or technically we have already broken up but we are still living together. We just came to the point in our relationship where we had to choose wether to get married and have kids and stop complaining, or to move on to something new. And we both chose the latter due to the problems we have always had and which are not likely to go away in decades.

This is actually something that should have been done like long time ago. But ever since I was 16 I have build my life with Aleksi, not my own life. So I guess I simply wasn't ready to take the jump before, because there was nothing to land on. Now I have a good start: I have a job and I have good friends. I'm more ready than ever in my life so it's time to make actions. It's time to build my own life.

The royal moomin coma

I got a new term in my vocabulary and it's "moomin coma" or "muumikooma" in Finnish. It started when I played "Muumipeli" (The Moomins themed board game, a lot like the African Star) with Hannes and J.R. We had already finished the game and I was putting it away when I noticed the blank staring faces on some of the moomins. I pointed them out, and yeah, aren't those moomins like scary?


Is everyone in the Moominvalley doing drugs btw?

I often use the phrase "having a coma" when I have spent too much time in front of my computer. It means that you have liked totally overloaded yourself and needing a boot. And the moomin coma is like one level up, when you're really starting to feel like a vegetable.

How to fake long hair?

Little while ago M. asked why I don't have my own picture as a display picture in MSN. I normally use my Lindsay Lohan avatars, which is pretty lame since I'm like 21 years old and stuff. Anyway. I checked out what display pictures I already had and there was one picture of me, which was really old, but it was still a picture of me so I used it.

And then I realized that my hair looked really long in the picture. I do have a long hair, indeed, but I still don't have that long hair and I have let it grow for years now.



I have been analyzing this picture and here is my best explanation: I have my ponytail a lot more on the other side of my head. It got to be it. Though I still don't know how it is possible that my hair reaches my shoulder like that. Anyway. If you want to fake the lenght of your hair, learn how to photoshop, get yourself a quality wig or, do like I do, make a crappy ponytail.

By the way, I have started to dig that color too. it's my natural hair colour in the picture. Maybe I should dye my hair back to more reddish. It's been blondish for over a year now. Little change could be good.

I'm so going to be a star

I have started to do some experiments with my musical instruments. My main instrument is electric keyboard. I'm not as good with it as I should be since I have played it through my life. It's just that my parents were poor and they couldn't really afford my lessons. I took lessons for like two years but then my mother started to complain about the cost that I felt that I had to quit. She never said that I got to quit and I never said it was the reason I quit. Anyway. I also like to play recorder because it's so not cool. It has a little Hellogoodbye vibe going on.

So about my experiments then: I like to play stuff and then I record it with my phone. Yeah, the quality is really crappy but that's the only recording equipment I currently have in use. I used to have a little mic but it's just not cooperating with me anymore. And I always send my finished tracks to Hannes who's my biggest (and only) fan. Yeah. I'm obviously having my own fun.

Anyway. I've been thinking that now that I'm featured in Last.fm I should probably record my debut album. It could be titled as "the crappiest shit Amoena has ever played and recorded" and it could be available here in my blog free of charge. The greatest idea ever?

Analyze this

I have one thing especially common with J.J. We both like to analyze everything to the infinity. Like all these things happening to us. But I'm not sure if J.J. analyzes himself as much as I analyze myself. I just want to know what I am about. Why I do things I do. What made me this way. Anyway. There are few things I have noticed lately that I find surprising:

If someone asks the right questions I reveal all my secrets. Even the dirty ones like I had no shame. But now when I think about it... it's a not a bad thing though it may put me in a bad light.I guess it's like a shortcut to a deeper friendship. I show what I'm truly made of and the other one probably does the same with me. And I guess I do this with people I don't even know so well, like lately with M. And if the other one starts to dislike me, well, it's not a loss if you weren't like super duper good friends at the first place.

And though I'm perfectly capable of telling all my secrets to strangers, I find it really hard to talk about my feelings. I do talk about them, naturally, but I feel as I'm always hiding what I really really really think underneath it all. Like I got no right to express what's truly going on in my head. Like as having emotions is a weakness.

Showing off my office

I realized that I really like to work alone. I expected it to be boring, that I would be miserable for not having anyone to talk to. But it's not bad, not at all. I just listen to the radio all day and do what I'm supposed to. And every now and then my boss shows up, she's extremely busy so that's definitely not often. Yeah. I think it really suits me. I already knew that I'm not a group worker. At least at school I used to feel as the group was dragging me down. That I could be a lot more efficient if it was just me. And yeah, I'm a lot more efficient nowadays. I practically work nonstop!

Anyway. I know it's quite lame that I have not blogged for a while, and when I finally blog I blog about my job. So I decided to perk this post up by posting some pictures. "Hooray". Well, at least Elina likes when I do pictures. So let's begin:

Here is my radio. It's like really important since it keeps me company. My ex-colleage said it's about 25 years old, but hey, it's still working. And it plays cassettes too! But I stick to Radio Rock which quite obviously plays rock (and some metal too).





This is where it all happens. I have my own desk which I try to keep organized. I have several chairs to choose from but this one here seems to have the best wheels. And I roll around a lot so it's like vital. You can count that there are at least three fountain pens in the picture. Actually I have like dozen of them so I don't have to search for them.





"Before & after"pictures of my desk. Though normally my desk is a bit messier. Anyway. I simply can't leave my office unless my desk is like super duper organized. Am I alone with this or are there other freaks too??!

Here is a picture of my office with a better perspective:



Yeah. There I spend eight hours at day. And it feels like home. I'm so going to miss it. What I have heard I have this week and next week left there. Then we're supposed to move to Vantaa. If my boss still needs me. If.

Raaah

I read some day old tabloid while we were waiting for our pizzas at Marhaba. There was this story about a father who though his son was being bullied at school and so he rushed to his son's class room and started to shout at the kids. And you know what the result was? They forbid him to come anywhere near the school again. And the teachers said that his son was not even bullied, that it was just what boys do.

Like wtf?

Ever since I survived trough my childhood hell I have read every single article about being bullied. And I'm waiting for the day they finally find a cure. But they're not able to find it as long as they keep belittling it. It's not like kids can do whatever they want to each other just because they're kids and therefore probably not (so) aware of the possible traumas they're causing. I just hate all these common excuses. Why can't the teachers take the responsibility? Why can't the parents be more aware? In all cases it should be taken seriously. In all cases there should be consequences. In all cases you have to make an end to it. Shouldn't that be like OBVIOUS?

But instead of actually doing something useful they write these stupid articles in which they belittle everything and make sure that the parents are aware that they're not even allowed to protect their children. Yeah. That's extremely helpful. Keep up the good work!