New Year's Eve

It's like New Year's Eve and stuff. I got like a lot in my mind right now. And it bothers me like hell when Aleksi is keeping me away from blogging when I really really really would like to blog. Like earlier he wanted to watch a movie even though I said I like need to blog in case I feel tired later and feel like not to. Blah.

Today we ate @ Chico's. It's not like the greatest restaurant in the world but it's cheap. And they have a lot of chicken in their menu. I don't really eat red meat unless it's like minced. And later I went shopping by myself. Which reminded me when Aleksi said that I should have a girlfriend too, in case I would like to go shopping or something. I was like "who are you talking about". Anyway. I bought some cut-price underwear, though I didn't really have like selection. I only wear black bras. Not because I like to wear black in general, which by the way is also true, but because if they were like pink or any other light color I would wash them with my regular dark clothes anyway and they would turn to an ugly shade of grey instead of nice pink. So that's why I go for black, because black stays black. And the other reason for the lack of selection is that I got like a very standard bosom so there were no my size left.

I have tried to go for new bands lately and it's not like easy. I tried some of my sister's favorites. Since she quite obviously loved Mors Principium Est I thought I could like whatever she's listening to too. First I tried out Cradle Of Filth. It sounded quite OK until the singing began. Sorry, but no, I don't have a Donald Duck fixation. I don't know if you're even supposed to listen to it seriously. Then I tried out Soilwork but it was a disappointment too. It was like filled too much with angst and sounded quite much like Disturbed and I don't really like that either. I have never thought myself as picky listener but I guess I am what comes to the genres I like most.

I think I should list the highlights of 2007 now when it's ending. OK, here they come: I quit school. I got my first job. I made new terrific friends. I saw Evanescence live. I learned more about CSS and web usability and stuff. I started a new blog (and got rid of it later). I switched to Ubuntu... Pretty boring, ha? Anyway. Let's see what the new year brings to me. Hopefully more of this and a lot more.

Tiididii

Yesterday night I started to blog. But suddenly I started to feel very tired and I decided to close my eyes for a moment. And then I napped for like two hours and finally I gave up on blogging and went to bed.

Yesterday I also tried to listen to some music at work. Two people asked what I was listening. I think it is a really personal question. There are music that you're supposed to like smoke. Something light that you can play on the background. And then there are music that you have to shoot in to your veins to get the real kick out of it. And my drug use is something I rather keep myself. Anyway. I still like to talk about music in general, especially when someone who knows my taste recommends new bands to me. I just don't want to show my inner n00b when it comes to music. I hardly know any cool bands and I guess I mostly listen to some mainstream shit.

Yesterday I also hang out with a friend. And I managed to serve better tea than last time... though I only boiled the water.

I feel like totally dragged down by life. But it's going to be a new year, new places, new faces and new stuff. I hope that cheers me up since I really hate to be this way.

Updated and upgraded

Now it's just me. All my favorite boys are gone. In a way it's like an itch you can't scratch. I know it doesn't sound like a nice metaphor but it's like an amputated leg. It's missing but you can still feel it itching. Anyway. It's not as bad as it could be since M. is still there. Though soon M. is quitting too. Is this like some official quitting month and someone forgot to tell me?

I have upgraded my hair. My mother dyed it a bit blonder and cut it a bit shorter. And it was like a miracle: suddenly I looked like a girl again. It was only like five centimeters off and the same hair color I have used so many times. So how can it make such a big change? Or am I only imagining?

What I got this year

Now we have ate and all the presents have been opened. This was indeed a very good year for me:

- Four books, two by my favorite author Paulo Coelho, some random titled "The Meaning of Life" and "Suuri Poptoivelaulukirja 3".
- Two shirts, pajama, some socks and slippers
- Gift token to the Body Shop
- Some sauna accessory
- Projector clock
- Free tickets to Finnkino
- Towel and other bath accessories
- Hammer
- Two whiskers
- Citrus juicer
- Money
- USB finger dance mat
- In-ear headphones
- Nice selection of tea bags and a jar to store loose tea
- Bookmark
- Taika mug by Iittala

There is a chance I missed something. But I'm sure I mentioned everything important.

What I got last year.

The book

This is awesome. I remembered that I brought a book!!! And I started to read it and now I'm feeling a lot less bored!!! The book (Everyone Worth Knowing by Lauren Weisberger) seems to be complete nonsense but hey, it has 515 pages. And we are probably going to eat within an hour. Whoa.

OMG. My aunt sneaked behind me and nearly gave an heart attack. Thank you very much.

Not much progress

I just put the presents under the Christmas tree. I also took the traditional "stupid dog in a basket" picture by my camera phone. It's a must. And later I watched my mother who was making me my salad. I know that you're not supposed to eat only salad on a Christmas feast but if there was not a salad especially for me I wouldn't eat anything. I'm a bit picky, yes.

Still bored

I just finished watching Big and though I have seen it earlier it was still quite enjoyable. I have also been eating rice porridge and fool that was made of dried fruits. And of course more peanuts & raisins. There are less and less to do but more and more to eat. It should be other way round. Is Christmas really meant to be this boring?

The tree is done

I woke up like 10am. It was dark and so silent that I decided to sleep more. And then I woke up 11am and it was still very dark and silent. But I stood up anyway. I ate some raisins for a breakfast because I couldn't find anything else to eat. And then I rushed to shower. When I got from shower my mom, uncle and aunt came home and my mom asked if I liked to wear a bright red fleece outfit. And now I'm looking like a bloody elf. Hooray.

And then I decorated the Christmas tree. My mom watched and gave me the decorations and I placed them gently wherever I found an empty branch. There was really no logic and we don't even have much decorations so the whole decorating was done really quickly. But it does look good and it will look even better when all the Christmas presents are under it.

Peanuts & raisins

OK. So far I have eaten peanuts and raisins like crazy. I already feel like super bloated and sick. I was bit on a heavy side earlier too and now I've definitely gone beyond all my limits. But I fast after Christmas. Right now I'm too busy thinking chocolate. There just got to be chocolate tomorrow or I don't survive this boredom. Mmm...

It's a shame I don't have a digital camera with me. There are few things I would like to capture: One is our recently reformed hall. There used to be ugly yellowish wallpapers but they ripped them off and revealed a really beautiful wooden wall. And then there used to be a red retro looking rack but now it's painted with a nice light green colour. Not to mention the new shelf and cool stuff on it. It's really awesome. And the other thing is our Christmas tree, of course, and probably me decorating it.

Jeans

I'm at Viiala now. And I'm already bored since sister stole my mp3-player. Last thing I heard she was whining something how I listen to satanic music. And then she kept listening to it.

I found a pair of old jeans from my closet today. I remember that I stopped using them because they were broken. Compared to what I have been wearing lately they were like brand new. Only two tiny holes in places where you barely see them. And the other pair is practically falling apart. So it was indeed a good find.

Now that I have been wearing these jeans I remember how I once use to look like a real girl. When I got it all right. When I still wore colours and big earrings and when I use to play with my hair and make-up and stuff. I still got it but I'm just too lazy to make the effort. I prefer low maintenance. But I guess I could dress up once in a while. You know. Just to prove that I can.

Quickie

All the Christmas presents are now bought and nicely wrapped. I made it on time again. Hooray! Tomorrow I'm going to Viiala where I will also spend my whole holiday. I'm not so excited about it. At least they have broadband nowadays so I can keep on blogging.

I have been quite busy today. I woke up quite late, though I would have slept even later if I hadn't had so much to do. I went to Sello for some last minute Christmas shopping, which according to last paragraph was a successful trip. After that we went to Marhaba to get some quality pizzas to eat. And even later I met Hannes so he could give me a Christmas present. Am I like really popular this Christmas? Anyway. We hang out only for a moment because I had to go to the movies with Aleksi. And when I got home it was already so late that I had to leave right away. But the movie was great and I try to review it later.

But didn't I do so?

It was quite a weird day at work. There was nothing to do and we were mostly hanging out. But it's crazy when there is like only few things to do and you simply try to skip them too. I never thought I was that lazy. Anyway. It was like an end of an episode. When I started there was already J.R. and S. Now I'm the only one left and there are plenty of newbies I have to teach. Time goes by so fast and things turn upside down. I understand that things have to change. I just hate how those changes have to happen before I'm ready.

I have now bought and wrapped nearly all the Christmas presents. I still have to figure out what to give to my mother. She's the most difficult one though she said that she wants some foot creme from the Body Shop. Unfortunately when she said that she was clearly not aware that there are only two types of foot cremes on TBS and the first one smells absolutely awful and the second one is something that will cool your feet. And who wants cold feet when it's already cold? I tried to look for other foot cremes but I couldn't find anything suitable. I still have one day to search.

I have also made two IE voodoo dolls and I'm going to make a third one too for myself. The tutorial is really good but I just got to modified the dolls a bit. I wrote "DIE" on my voodoo dolls so you can remove the needles and still keep the message clear. I just thought that the dead face was not enough. They could be used as alternative Christmas tree decorations for nerds. Anyway. It was really nice to sew felt and I think I should do it more often. Wonder what else you could do.

I don't know how this post turned out this way. I have been writing this ever since I got home from work. I have been writing and rewriting and deleting and editing and everything like crazy. I hate these days when you have a lot to blog but you just run out of words. My original plan was to write about New Year's revelations and about my feelings towards Christmas and all these things ending. And if this really was about those I would probably have added to the end how J.R. brought me a Christmas present and how I without realizing it made him wait in the cold far too long.

I need a summer but it's winter in my heart

I have started to sleep less and less. This is like the fourth night in a row when I am still up after midnight. But I feel sleeping useless. I'm still tired when I wake up and I'm always in a coma at work anyway. So why not to do something more important with these few hours. Blogging is a good choice, as well as listening to music. And currently I'm doing both.

It's nearly Christmas and there is no snow. But it's not like I miss it. Green grass is fine too. Looks like an autumn to me and I love autumn. Anyway. There is a song called "Winter In My Heart" by VAST. It took a quite long time for me to start to dig it and now I'm totally into it. I listen to it at the mornings when I'm on my way to work and when it gets mixed with a gentle cold breeze and the street lamps it's like a real life music video. That's one of the many reasons why I love my mp3-player. Music makes everything a bit more breathtaking, you just have to look right.

I'm ready

Yesterday night I tried to play my favourite game with J.J. It's called "Who's the most pathetic nolife" and I'm usually really good at it. But this time I didn't won. I guess it wasn't even close. It made me realize that my life has changed and how it's still changing.

I feel grateful but I don't know who to thank. It's just all this together and it's amazing. I'm aware that this can be just one good episode of my life before some dreadful plot twist but I'm hopeful. Maybe this is what I have been waiting for when it's grown stronger and older. Or maybe, more likely, this is just another disappointment.

I have been much more into music lately. I feel like a teenager, like every song is about my life. And I love how music penetrates my brain and just makes me oh so happy and numb in a good way. Can you overdose music? Since I feel it running through my veins and it's making me high.

Ja mitä sitten tapahtui

First day at work without O. It was a good example what happens if you take things for granted. Since we were there long before O. I expected that in a way we could have managed to fill the gap he left behind. But it was obvious that he was missing. It was actually quite sad to go to the first break. Before we used to gather up and then go together but today there was not much gathering to do. Just me and J.R. And when we did the daily crossword puzzle it simply wasn't the same anymore. And on the next break I had to sit alone while J.R. was warming his food. It felt like a really long time. And at the end of the day when there was nothing to do there was also no one to hang out with.

But his spirit was still present. After fixing the strapping machine M. said that O. taught him well. That he had seen O. fixing the same machine and therefore he was able to fix it too.

I rather not think what happens after J.R. is gone too. There will be no gathering. I will probably have to sit by myself a lot. There will be no one to hang out with. There will be no reason to have super extra long breaks. It will be just boring boring boring boring.

Super social and active

On Saturday someone read my blog for hours, first post by post and finally digging into the archives. No one ever does that. Not even my closest friends. So it's actually really creepy. Maybe I'm having my first stalker? Omg.

EDIT: O. just send me a text message and confessed. Maybe the best timing ever? Anyway. It was indeed a nice surprise and I'm touched by the fact that he made the effort to get my number.

I have had like a super social and active weekend. On Friday I hang out with X. He came to my place to see if this was really as dirty as I said it would be. He thought I was just exaggerating, but even he had to admit that this place have seen better days. I normally clean when I know that someone is going to come over, but I was just too lazy the day before. Anyway. We also checked out my favorite playground in Perkkaa. It wasn't the same as it was like gazillion years ago but it was still pretty awesome. I'm happy that X also likes playgrounds @ nights.

On Saturday J.R. came over. I cleaned this place for him so I hope that X don't get jealous. It's just that I have known X longer and I know that he likes me enough to come over even if this place is a pig hole. I still have my doubts that J.R. would have left immediately after seeing how messy this place can really be. Anyway. I once again end up making nearly non-drinkable tea. I wonder if it's just my tea-making skills or the tea itself? If it's the tea there is still hope. And if the bad tea is not enough I also made J.R. to play "Guess Who?" with me. And I looped one VAST album for like ten hours.

And today I went to Tapiola to do some Christmas shopping. And it wasn't completely useless trip since I found something for my uncle and for my aunt. Five down, too many to go. Let's just cancel the Christmas? I also went to Sello but that was completely useless.

So it's really been social and active. And really good. I'm not much but suddenly I started to feel like a real survivor. No matter what, I always find my way. And there is always something good waiting for me if I just open the door.

What makes me a woman

I'm still amazed when I find out that someone totally random is linking to my blog. Or when someone random drops me a very nice comment. Or when someone random googles for my blog. In my point of view my blog is only full of scribbles of my own lame life... So it's a bit hard to believe that someone could actually find this fascinating.

Anyway. I guess there is a downside of hanging out with me because you can never tell if I'm going to blog about it.

Today J.R. said to me "you should know, you're a woman". It was actually a totally neutral thing to say in that situation since we were doing a crossword puzzle and the name of some Finnish fashion designer was asked. Anyway. It was the first time in my life when someone used a word "woman" in that phrase. I started to wonder when I became a woman instead of a girl.

"You're a woman now". That's how mothers comfort their daughters when they got their first periods. Though my mother ignored the whole thing and made me a bit bitter. That is like the only important thing to do and she failed it completely. So when I got my periods I was mostly ashamed. Anyway. Having periods is definitely not going to make a woman because, thanks to modern medicine, I skip them all the time. It's not like you need them. So that's not what makes me a woman.

"You're a woman now". That's how girls comfort themselves after they have lost their virginity. I don't know if this is even more inappropriate thing to mention than periods. Anyway. After five years of solid relationship there is a chance that I'm not a virgin anymore. But will that make me a woman? I doubt. Heavily.

Is it my age? I'm 21 so I have passed my teenage years. Does that make me automatically a woman? Even though I don't look old and I'm immature in so many ways? It can't be just that.

OK. Let's cut this here. In my opinion the only two things that can possibly make me a woman are these: I pay my own rent. That's an adult thing to do and I have noticed that adult females are often, well, women. And the other thing is that I have boobs. And hips "wide enough to give a birth to a small cow", as I have said earlier. And not in a way that girls have.

But I would still rather be a girl.

But not that kind

When I was little my mother taught me the code of giving and receiving. Not intentionally though but by setting an example. It was like a form of art. And if you couldn't play by the rules you simply didn't play. Anyway. The code was rooted in me in a very young age and I still play the game by the original rules: kindness is always rewarded by kindness. And the code has to be followed under any circumstances. But when I moved here about six years ago I learned that this game doesn't even exist here. There are no rules. And I still find it difficult because I can never tell if my kindness is going to waste. I'm kind but I'm not that kind. But I still play the game.

I wish I could postpone Christmas. I'm just not ready. And in a way I have started to think it as an ending. My work won't be the same after Christmas: S. quit her job today, O. will quit on Friday and eventually J.R. will quit too. They made it bearable so what happens when they are all gone and I still have to have to stay there for weeks?

I wish I could postpone Christmas. I'm just not ready. I still have to get like gazillion presents and I'm totally out of ideas. Sello is the worst shopping mall for Christmas shopping. The Body Shop is like the only place where you can actually get good presents and other shops are just waste of time.

Introducing my first-born

My blog stats are finally starting to look normal so I can start stalking again. Normal people use Blogpatrol to see how many visitors their blog has. I use Blogpatrol to see who is reading my blog. I use Google Analytics too, and though it has a lot of super cool features, it lacks the most important: "Detailed Analysis Of The Last 25 Visitors". That's how I can tell exactly when my friends have been reading my blog without asking them. It's totally stalking. I confess! But please please please let me catch you because otherwise I go insane thinking no one likes me anymore.

I decided it's time to blog something about my first ever baby. It's NW-E405 by Sony. Well... Technically Aleksi owns it but I'm the one who uses it. He barely knows how to handle it. Anyway. I'm totally heavy using my mp3-player since I use it daily when I'm going to work and when I'm coming home from work. It's like my best friend when I have to leave the house. It stores only like six albums of mp3's (512Mt) but it has always been more than I need. I usually listen to the one and the same album to the eternity. And then I maybe change. I don't get bored since I only listen to super cool music.



It's actually quite small. And the navigation rocks, though you always have to use both hands. I checked out some more modern mp3-players but none of them looked as nice. Anyway. At work I tried to tell how my player has this cycle of music. Like I load some music and listen to it until the battery runs empty. Then I load the battery and also switch one album. Or sometimes even two. And little by little it's changing. Currently I'm storing these:

Fair To Midland - Fables From A Mayfly; What I Tell You Three Times Is True
Mors Principium Est - Inhumanity
Muse - Black Holes And Revelations
Rammstein - Mutter
Rammstein - Sehnsucht
VAST - Visual Audio Sensory Theater

... but I'm mostly listening to VAST and Rammstein.

Whoa

"One day some Ubuntu noob searches for "how to make Ubuntu to start faster" and ends up here"... or someone submits it to Tuxmachines.org and to Debian-News.net and it gets like hundreds and hundreds of visitors in just one day. Guess which operating system is currently the most popular in my blog stats. Yes. It's totally overruled by Linux. My Ubuntu theme week seems to be paying off.

How to make Ubuntu to start faster

Since I'm obviously having an Ubuntu theme month...

My Ubuntu used to start really slowly, even more slowly than my former XP. It was not really a problem except on the mornings when I wanted to surf while eating my breakfast. I was finished with it when my laptop was finally ready to be used. So I thought that there has to be a way to make it faster. After a little research I learned that it was not even hard to do. I gave it a try and now this machine starts a lot faster. Whoa! Totally worth it.

I tried to find a decent tutorial in English but I couldn't find any. So I'm writing my own instead. But I'm not expecting any of my regular readers to be interested. I just believe in the power of Google. One day some Ubuntu noob searches for "how to make Ubuntu to start faster" and ends up here. And voilà, here is the how-to.

First I installed a Bootchart. It's not necessary, but it will tell you exactly how much time your computer needs to boot. If you boot your computer before any changes and after the changes, it tells you how much faster it's actually starting. So it's recommended.

To install a Bootchart: Open your terminal (Applications → Accessories → Terminal). Type sudo apt-get install bootchart and hit the enter. It will ask your password (give it) and later if you want to continue (yes).

To use a Bootchart: Boot your computer. Once it's ready to be used, go to /var/log/bootchart and open the fresh .png file. Check out the time (and other stuff if you please).

There are many ways to make Ubuntu to start faster, but this is what particularly helped me:

Once again we're using terminal. This time type sudo apt-get install sysv-rc-conf and hit the enter. Just like installing the bootchart, give it your password and later choose yes.

When it's installed, start it by typing sudo sysv-rc-conf. It will ask for your password. When it's open it will look pretty much like this:


(Click to enlarge)

Use the arrow keys to move down until you reach usplash. Remove every X from its line by hitting space. Then press q to quit.

You're not done yet.

Still in terminal, type gksudo gedit /boot/grub/menu.lst. Gedit is a text editor, and if you don't, have it, replace it with the one you do have. For example I'm using only medit, so I typed gksudo medit /boot/grub/menu.lst instead. Whatever you're using, it will still ask for your password.

Now that you have your text editor open, search for this line: # defoptions=quiet splash. When you have finally found it, remove the word splash from it. Like this: # defoptions=quiet. Save your changes and exit. Then go to your terminal and type sudo update-grub and hit the enter. It will update the menu.lst.

Now you're done. Don't forget to reboot your computer and check out the new Bootchart stats.

How I comfort myself after I fail

I wanted to add this to my previous post but then I thought that if it's once published it shouldn't be touched. So I add my note here:

I don't like to talk about my reasons for teetotalism because I have noticed that they often turn a nice little chat into a bloody debate. I don't like arguing but I'm still ready to defend my rather strong and unusual opinions. And if someone dares to question my choice I simply say goodbye.

OK. That's all.

Today I went to Verkkokauppa with Aleksi. We were supposed to go there last Saturday but they didn't have everything stored that Aleksi wanted so we didn't go. I like to go to Verkkokauppa even though I'm not really into hardware. I just like the atmosphere. Aleksi bought a new power supply and a hard disc for our PC. Now our PC is silent again (it used to make an annoying buzzing sound) and we can store even more movies.

I also ate soft ice twice. First we stopped in Hesburger to eat some, and when we were coming home from Verkkokauppa we grabbed some from McDonald's. I totally got a soft spot for soft ice and that's also the only reason to get me anywhere near junk food.

I also managed to mess with my Ubuntu. But I like to mess with my laptop because I have nothing to lose. Even if I managed to like crack the whole operating system it wouldn't matter. There are no important files to destroy and I can always reinstall everything. And sometimes my noobness gives me a good laugh. It's so great to be a girl and a nerd. No matter how little you know because it's already awesome that you're aware of it. Or at least that's how I comfort myself after I fail to do something more complex.

Lost puppy

Yesterday I went to bed around 3am and I woke up three hours later. I spent my night talking with J.J. and though we didn't really talk about anything meaningful it was worth missing a few hours of sleep. Anyway. I feel as I have known J.J. like forever but actually we met when we were sixteen so it makes only four and half years. But in a way you could say that we grew up together. There was nothing in my life that I didn't share with him. He knows everything about me and he still likes me. So I can't be so bad, right?

So it's Friday today. My least favourite of days. At work M. asked if I drink alcohol and I said I'm a teetotaller. I wasn't really comfortable even mentioning it. It's still a tabu for me. I simply don't talk about it. I'm glad he didn't asked for my reasons. That would have been too much for me. I just want to live in my little bubble where everything is pure and beautiful. M. also asked if I have done drugs but he was only joking. But he should have asked me if I smoke. Since I do, only very rarely though.

Sometimes I can't stand the idea of being alone. And I knew that when I'll get home there is no one waiting for me. So I stayed some extra time at work to help O. and to keep him some company. I know it's like really pathetic but I just didn't wanted to go home. I also took the longest way home, just to postpone the actual homecoming. But eventually I did got home. And it was dark. And lonely.

I hate when my depression is really kicking in. Most of the times I can handle it but sometimes it just takes total control over me. I took a long hot shower to reboot myself. It helped. But I wish I wasn't this cracked. I feel like a lost puppy waiting someone to take me home.

Finnish Independence Day

Today is Finnish Independence Day and therefore I had a day off. So I slept late, naturally, woke up, finally, opened my laptop, naturally, got ready, finally. And then we went to my aunt's and she made us some Mexican food. I ate as much as Aleksi and that's a lot. But Mexican food is so good and you get some like once in a decade.

By the way ever since I got my Ubuntu two of my more nerdy friends have started to talk how they want to use Linux too. And it's not a coincidence. I've been talking about it a lot. And though I don't mean to, I happen to promote it by sharing my own experiences. But I do some serious promoting too when I see it necessary and appropriate. When I started to use Adobe Illustrator I knew that J.J. would probably love it too. I'm not sure if he really uses it, but sure I tried.

This is so embarrassing. Hannes just told me that my blog has a new layout. It was not supposed to have! I did some sketching before I had to leave to my aunt's and unfortunately I saved the layout instead of closing the god damn HTML editor. I try my layouts here to see them in real action. Sometimes Lorem Ipsum is just not enough. Anyway. I hope that people have been super lazy today and have not visited my blog. I don't really want others to see my scribbles. The good thing is that I have back up's for all my templates and I had one for the real layout too. It was a bit out of date but I tried to fix it. Anyway. The problem is now solved and I hope that you who managed to see something simply forget it.

My friendship theory

I have this theory how close friendships are formed. I tried to explain it to Hannes but it was harder than I thought. So I give it a new try here:

All friendships start as a casual friendships. You meet someone, you hang out with someone and eventually you probably get to know someone quite well. We have all been there, yes. But when exactly does a friendship become more deeper one? When do you add things like trust and care into it?

And now to my thesis: You can point out the exact moment when a casual friendship gets deeper. And it's the moment when you share something special. It can be an heart to heart conversation, but more likely it's simply something more extraordinary you experience together. But the speciality of the moment has to be noticed by both. If it's not mutual, it can't be it. And that moment can't be forced and there is a big chance it never happens.

I know my theory may sound a bit weird but it makes so much sense when I look back to my own friendship history.

How to make an über best friend by Amoena

Wonder if you could like mix and match your friends characteristics and create yourself an über best friend. Wouldn't that be like totally cool? I really started to think what I would take from each of my friend to use in my new BFF. I have to say that it took a while to decide since all my current friends are awesome.

I'm only taking two characteristic from each. I don't want to be greedy. So let's begin:

From Hannes I would most definitely take his self confidence and sincerity. I think that's a good base to build a friendship. Then I would add some crazy creativity and some black sense of humour from J.J. to have fun with him. And to keep my new friend sane I would add some patience and kindness from Aleksi. Elina was a bit of an harder piece of cake, but I did figure it out: I would take her wisdom so she could make me smarter and her good spirit to keep me optimistic. From Julia I would take her conscientiousness and love for bizarre things. I value those two things. And from J.R. I would most likely steal his geekiness since out of doubt my new friend gotta be a nerd and, though this doesn't really fit the pattern, his ability to wear head-to-toe black. I want my best friend to look cool too.

I start to believe it's X-mas.

Yesterday I went to Sello with Aleksi. I was going to buy some Christmas presents though I had absolutely no idea what I was going to get. So of course I didn't get any. But I'm pretty sure that I'm going to buy everything from the Body Shop. You simply can't go wrong, pick any product and it's good enough. Anyway. I saw a lovely skirt at H&M and in a way I started to think that I could and that I should get a girly skirt. Something very short and very feminine. But then I started to think that not only I lack a short skirt, I also lack matching shoes. All my shoes are very masculine and definitely made for walking. So I would have to get new shoes too. I don't know about that. Sometimes my girly side just makes me nuts by it's cravings.

I also helped Elina with some nerdy stuff. She send me a link to some wicked HTML code and asked if I knew an easy way to get the real content out of it. And I was like "Darling, do I know an easy way". And so I did my magic and hosted the stuff for her so she was able to copy what she wanted. It was like not a big deal and it took less than 50 seconds to do, but it was nice that I was able to help someone I like with my nerdy skills. That doesn't happen often.

Today I have been playing a domestic goddess. Got you? I didn't thought so. But I surely baked plenty of ginger bread with J.R. And you can guess that the dough was not homemade. I wouldn't dare, not with my cooking skills. But the cookies turned out good and since J.R. also brought glögg it was indeed a nice kick start for Christmas.

"...like a walk in the rain"

Just a minute ago it was Monday? It's crazy how fast the time goes when you're all grown up and working. And it's crazy how fast you eventually grow up. And how much your self changes within just few years. I don't feel myself old but at work when I'm hanging out with the boys I feel older. It's bugging me a bit since I don't really wanna grow up yet. Not like this anyway.

So today I have mostly been fooling around with my new baby. I tried out different media players but I decided to use Rhythmbox because it has like Last.fm plug-in build-in. I don't really listen to music when I'm on my laptop so though it seems a bit heavier it'll do just fine. I also found out that whoaaaa the LAN is still working! I knew it was possible to have like connection between Linux and Windows but I just didn't expect it to happen by default. It's really important to have a working LAN since there are, for example, no music files on the laptop.

They were playing Annie's Song on the radio. I heard it from a far and I was surprised since it was not anything that Nova usually plays. It's like one of these old love songs I happen to love.

Ubuntu is for dummies

Ever since I started working my laptop has been on a heavy use. The reason is quite obvious: I get home when Aleksi is already at home and he's reserving our PC. So I have no other choice than use my good old laptop. Though it's only old, not good. Anyway. I started to loose my last nerves because the laptop was totally not cooperating with me. It was always bugging and bugging and bugging. And, oh wait, bugging.

So I decided to follow my uncle's advice: I kicked out Windows XP and switched to Ubuntu. I'm really loyal to Windows, as some people are loyal to Apple, so I'm using Linux only temporarily. After Christmas I'm going to buy a new laptop and that new laptop will have like Windows Vista preinstalled. But until that I'm having this affair.

OK. I have nothing against Linux and I can admit it has it's own benefits. But it's not an operating system I could fully operate with. And it has pretty much everything to do with the fact that all the important programs I use are only for Windows. Anyway.

Since Ubuntu is like so popular right now I think that I should say few words about my own experiences so far. Just in case if someone googles for it and ends up here. So these are some cool things I have noticed so far:

1. Ubuntu was really easy and fast to install. Downloading took like 30 minutes and installing other 30 minutes. And after that it was ready to be used.
2. There are lots of good Finnish tutorials availabe on the Internet to get things started. That's good if you're a total Linux n00b.
3. Ubuntu is for dummies. Seriously. Even my mother could use it. And it's probably made for girly girls.
4. I checked out all the Linux messengers but Pidgin is the best. It's far from Windows Live Messenger 2008, but it's still totally bearable.
5. Firefox starts unbelievably quickly. It looks and feels a bit different but it's still a Firefox. Though I'm going to try some other Linux browsers too simply because I can.
6. There are like two works spaces you can use and it's like totally cool but hard to explain. I'm so going to miss that functionality.
7. Switching is painless if you only need a good browser and an instant messenger.

Good deeds

I just watched MTV's "My Sweet Sixteen" and I don't know what kind of losers they have as translators. There was this man and the English caption said very clearly that he was some one's brother-in-law. But the Finnish subtitle said he was some one's half brother. Not exactly the same thing, right? If I know it and they don't, they should hire me instead.

By the way, I have been donating rice by playing FreeRice. It's like this super easy word game in which they give you a word and you have to find a matching synonym. And every correct answer will donate like ten grains of rice for those who need it. So you can get smarter and do something important and good at the same time. So far I have donated 6210 grains of rice.

Today I gave a scarf to a colleague of mine. She gave me a compliment on Friday when I was wearing my black scarf as poncho. And since I happened to have the very same scarf in white too I asked if she wanted to have it. I never wear white anyway so it was completely useless. So today I gave her the white scarf and she liked it so much that later she gave me some gingerbread. I don't really like gingerbread so I shared it with the boys. But it was a nice thing to do for sure.

Today I also delivered J.R. the Advent calendar I made him like ages ago. It was part of the DIY project I mentioned earlier. Originally J.R. gave the idea. I can recall myself whining something about the sucky non-chocolate Advent calendar my mom gave me and that he said that he would be just pleased if someone gave him one. And few days later when I was watching an extremely dull movie I came up with the idea of self-made Advent calendars. Anyway. There is still one Advent calendar I should made but... I have ate most of it's content.

I like to do nice things and I try to do nice things as often as I find possible. It's like the only thing I'm truly good at. And I have this theory that if you do a lot of nice things some day someone does nice things for you too. And I'm just waiting for the day when all my good deeds will be rewarded.

Bad hair day? Not.

My aunt likes to say nasty things about my hair. Sometimes she's unbelievably frank. Like she had no boundaries or whatsoever. Anyway. Last time I saw her like two days ago she said that my hair is just plain ugly and that I should have at least half cut off. I rarely comment back since I know it's useless. She wants my hair to be all shiny and sleek. And I want it to be just the way it is now. Though it could grow even longer and be even more messier.

B&W

Yesterday morning we travelled to Viiala. The reason for our relatively short trip was my uncle's surprise birthday party. They like to throw surprise parties there. Anyway. Most of the time I played PlayStation 2 by myself. It was one of those games where you simply drive and try not to hit anything and I was quite good at it. I always want to play video games when I get a chance.

At night we played 90's edition of Trivial Pursuit. The questions were super tricky and even guessing seemed to be impossible. Aleksi eventually won but it took a long time and lots of wrong answers. I have to say that the original version with most modern questions is always the best choice. Special editions go too specific.

My family knows that I'm such a nerd. But what they know not is that being a nerd isn't so black and white. My brother-in-law started to ask me some questions about WLAN and I was like "why you're asking me, I don't know". But I guess that people who are not familiar with nerdism think that if you know something nerdy you must know everything. Should I like make a nerdy business card? You know, to do something to define my areas of expertise.

Colon P

I have not posted since Tuesday. I have started to blog but my posts have not came out the exact way I have wanted so I didn't post them. So practically I have been blogging daily but I just have not actually published anything. Anyway. I just thought I should scribble something since I'm not sure if I have another chance to blog until like Monday. Or Sunday. But it's a long time, at least for me.

So far this has been a good weekend. I spent my day with X. He uses a codename for me and since this is indeed a public blog I though I should use one for him too. At least for now.

So, today I hang out with X. I made us tea but I don't know what I did wrong (again!) and it was way too lame. I couldn't even finish mine. And then we did nothing, which is the best thing to do if you ask me. And of course we talked nerdy and goofy and stuff. Super.

Since this post is already mostly about X, I though I could go even further. Like add some though here too:

I have noticed that it's a bit difficult for me to but together the real life X and the online X. The online X is the one who knows all my secrets and the real life X is the one I hang out with. And it's quite extreme to think they're actually just one person. What will happen after a time: does one fade away or do they become one? Either way, I hope our friendship remains. "Colon P".

Now I'm off to bed. Gotta travel tomorrow!

Go call the press!

I just had my first Messenger conversation with my sister! She's becoming normally nerdy. I wonder how long it takes until she finds my blog. She knows IRC-galleria and she now knows my online name. It's like 1+1. But it doesn't matter because a) I can't recall writing anything bad about her and b) even if she finds this I doubt she doesn't understand English well enough to read this anyway.

Yay Monday!

I'm such a nolife: mostly I hate weekends. I got two reasons: I always plan to do something useful, like something seriously nerdy. But instead I spend whole weekend reading blogs, and well, blogging. It's fun, but that's what I do every day anyway. And the second reason is that weekends make me feel guilty: I should be meeting friends and having like fun! But normally I'm just way too lazy to organize anything. You know how much energy and strength it requires when you're not like socially skilled? Like you really have to force yourself to be active.

So could you like cancel weekends? I could work every day.

Please?

What point? Do you really need one?

I started my first DIY project for this Christmas! Whoo! But it's going to be a surprise.

And Hannes: start blogging. Immediately!

Hanz sanoo:
Hannes mesettää, "irkkaa", kattoo hc pokee ja jopa elokuvia, siksi hänellä on minun fucking soneraliittymä.

My original plan was to collect all the embarrassing comments that Hannes have ever said to me, and later copypaste them all back to him. But he gave me a better idea: "kokoot kirjan ja nolaat mut julkisesti".

Funny coincidence

I went for a very long walk today. I felt like was my head was going to explode. Sometimes Aleksi drives me crazy simply by existing. Anyway. I put some super numbing music to my mp3-player and just walked trough the places I knew could calm me down. And I do feel better now, thanks to the freezing air.

OK. Now I'm going to make a presentation how one thing leads to an other and how everything is still connected:

J.R. gave me a ride home yesterday and he was listening to a Mors Principium Est. Though I never got the name right but I did heard "est" and some Latin mumble which I knew was enough to find out more from Last.fm. I'm always quite interested about what other people are listening but I never really dare to ask. That's why we have Last.fm anyway, for ultimate music stalking experience.

By the way, it's quite funny how no one really speaks Latin but how it's still so widely used. Amoena is a Latin word too, and it should be pronounced like "a-mee-na", not like "a-mo-e-na". People always get it wrong. But Latin pronunciation my pants though it's quite simple. I studied some basics of Latin in high school in-case-you-didn't-know.

OK. Back to music then.

Pretty much first thing I noticed when I was doing my quick MPE research was that they got a cover of Hijo de la luna. And it's not just any song for me. Hijo De La Luna was the reason why I started to study Spanish. And I chose which High School to go based on the fact I wanted to study Spanish there. And because I loved that song so much I learned how to play it on my keyboard (the instrument, you know) and I do play it A LOT.

So I call this a funny coincidence.

It was quite hard to get the MPE version of Hijo de la luna but I just kept adding Finnish hubs until I found it. And I guess I was a bit lucky since I only find one user who had it but I got a free slot almost immediately. They could have done the cover better, though. Their Spanish pronunciation is a bit... out there. And it didn't fit the over all album at all. But I guess that the Japanese don't care for such things.

PS: Aleksi said he couldn't understand the "my pants" part. "My pants" means like "couldn't care less".

Personal shit vol. 3

I was bullied at school for six years. And it was six long years ago. I'm still not healed and I wonder if I ever will. I still think about it daily. I have started to forget faces or what they did to me. But I never forget how they made me feel.

They made a permanent black hole in me and it's sucking all the good things away. I know it's something that only other victim will truly understand. How you feel broken forever and ever no matter how hard you try to fix yourself.

I just wish they could see me now, see inside my head and really understand what they did to me. And then they could tell me if it was really worth it.

As an outcome of my heavily beating heart

I have read so many times how some people find daily blogging like extremely hard, not because the lack of time but inspiration. Since I have blogged daily for a while now I started to think where do I get my inspiration.

I'm not sure if I can speak about inspiration when it comes to me, I think I rather speak about blogging mentality. This is quite hard to explain, but sometimes I think I live to blog and blog because I live. I'm not seeking for an inspiration, I'm living it. And I don't have to live a life full of excitements, just having feelings is enough. Whatever moves me, no matter the direction, ends up here. It can be a word, an expression on someones face, a colour... Simply anything If only it makes me feel something.

And I have programmed myself to respond by blogging. It's like an alarm in my head: you gotta blog this, you gotta blog this! So loud and clear, no questions asked.

It comes naturally, as I have said earlier.

Offer

I was going to sketch something but Aleksi got home and I simply can't work when I'm not alone. Anyway. I just rambled trough some of my ai. files when I found this:



(Click to enlarge)

It's a template sketch I made little while ago. It's not really my style, I just wanted to go a bit experimental with light colours and fading white. But since it's not like awful I thought I could make an offer here:

If you like the design above and you blog on Blogger (classic template required), feel free to contact me: amoenaonline at gmail dot com. I can make it happen to your blog for free. And it won't take long.

PS: I do custom blog designs in general too, but be warned that I do have a waiting list and I AM LAZY.

Moi?

My jaw is like locked again. I can't open my mouth without enormous pain. This kinda sucks but at least I was able to eat my müesli bar at work without twisting my face badly. But you know what really sucks? Brushing teeth! You have to open and close your mouth like gazillion times in a row. And it huuuurts.

Anyway. I had a very good moment at work: It was like 16.50 and I had nothing left to do so I started goofing around with a duster. I don't know if it makes any sense but for the first time for a long time I felt truly like myself, I was happy and totally free from all my worries. Just for like 10 minutes but the memory of it will last longer.

And it made me feel very positive! I feel like everything is going to be fine! Naturally everything will go downhill and fast (Pessimist? Me?) but right now I'm really holding on to this. This feels good. If only I could be like this forever.

"And if I had one wish fulfilled tonight I'd ask for the sun to never rise".

And now to the news: I think I have the new name for this blog, and a quite funny tag line too. I just gotta do some sketching to find out how it really fits.

PS: The quote above is from a song titled 03:45 No Sleep.
PPS: How many spelling errors, factual errors and just errors in general can I fit in one post? I always check my posts to infinity but I always find something to fix.

I thought I was a fool for no-one oh baby I'm a fool for you

I think I have dysthymia. It makes sense to me. Anyway.

I wish I could finally meet someone who wants to like adopt me. By this I mean that I would love to meet one person who would ask me out and who would like introduce me to other people and so on. Who would like me to be there. Basically I would like to meet someone who does what I do: ask me to come over.

And yes, I have been listening to Supermassive Black Hole by Muse.

Bitter update

My mother asked me what I want for my birthday. It was like ages ago. I said quite simply that I want a cable driver for my Nokia 6111 and nothing else. Only that and I wanted it badly. And guess what I got: clothes from flea market and underwear. None of them was wrapped. Hooray? What is the point of asking if you don't even listen? I was quite sure that they like got me one since they have had the time to found out where to get one and stuff. And I was so excited that I could go like photoblogging!

But it's so crispy!

I'm on my laptop again. This is already bugging like hell and I'm only writing! I think I should buy a new laptop sooner than I thought. Maybe after Christmas? Anyway. I like to update with this shit because this shit gives me more privacy and I kinda like this keyboard better.

I have been on a good mood today and I have also been laughing a lot. The best moment was at work on a break when O. told us with very descriptive sounds and gestures what he would like to do to a computer: "I would throw it out of the windows and get like a car and like drive over it several times". And I was laughing with J.R. because that's definitely not how we see computers. I guess that O. itself missed the biggest joke since he's not yet aware of our hidden geek powers.

Has anyone noticed that I post like on a daily basis nowadays? When did this happen and when did I get this addicted to blogging? By the way I'm totally addicted to crispbread too. It's like all I eat at home and I'm eating plenty of it. Just imagine our floors...

Out there

Today some crazy kid shot eight other kids dead at school and it's all over the news. I can understand the fuzz around it. It's a big deal. But like we didn't saw this coming. It was just a matter of time and now it happened. Anyway. Since there has been enough "oh it's so terrible" and stuff I'm going to take a different view:

I think it's a great way to die. Just like that, when you least expect it. When you're still young. You just get shot, die and suddenly you're free from all from your worries. Like you never even existed. And everyone would say "oh it's such a tragedy". But it's a tragedy only for those who keep living after it. So I feel sorry for the families who lost a member, and for the friends who lost a friend. But I don't feel sorry for the victims. It's not a lost for them. It's the end.

What after life?

Anyway. There is a new design out by me. I made it for Aberdeen Diaries. Gotta give some credit to BenBlogged for Free Organic Vector Set (humming bird and leaves) and to BlogU once again for double vision sidebar titles. By the way I thought I noticed a minor bug but suddenly it's gone. Bit confusing since I was going to fix it.

The killing trio

Yesterday when I was on my way to grocery store I came up with this perfect idea for a blog name. It was exactly what I wanted: simple and nerdy. I was quite excited about it. But when I got home and googled for it I found out it was already taken. There was already a blog with the same name and it even had a matching .com domain. So I'm back to square one.

But it was darn good anyway.

I have started to listen to music on my laptop. But my laptop sucks... When I have Winamp, Live Messenger and Firefox open at the same time it slows down quite radically and eventually it's tilting like hell. I don't know if it's really worth the fight.

Quite crazy but I love blogs

There should be like 12110 blogs on Blogilista. How come you can't find anything decent to read from there? I'm not interested in knitting, nor cooking. And fashion... not really. I try to check recently updated blogs and new blogs regularly but so far I have found nothing good enough to read. Where are all the good blogs hiding?

OK. Maybe I'm just greedy. I already read about 20 blogs via Livejournal, about 20 blogs via Blogilista and 40 blogs via Google Reader. And let's just not mention my Bloglines account where about 160 Finnish fashion blogs go hiding (I collect them but I read only very few of them). And then I read Stylebytes and Skinny Website. Quite crazy but I love blogs.

Mysterious Skin (2004)

Yesterday I watched Mysterious Skin alone. I have seen it earlier but I wanted to see it again since it's one of my favourites. It's very disturbing and sometimes even painful to watch but always totally worth it. This is how the story starts:

The summer I was 8 years old, 5 hours disappeared from my life. 5 hours. Lost. Gone without a trace. Last thing I remember I was sitting on the bench... at my Little League game. It started to rain. What happened after that remains a pitch black void.

Brian thinks that during those lost hours he was abducted by aliens. Even ten years after he keeps having nightmares, nosebleeds and blackouts. He's determined to find out the whole truth. And then there is Neil, former victim of pedophilia and current teenage prostitute. Two boys totally different: one can't remember, the other can't forget. Eventually they discover the truth together.






Trailer (Quicktime HQ)

When I watched this movie for the first time, I didn't see it right from the beginning. I was just surfing through channels until I bumped into this. I just couldn't change the channel anymore. Mysterious Skin was so haunting but yet so beautiful. Day later I downloaded it and watched it trough and it still got my full heart.

And now to the warnings: In Finland this was K-18 (for people aged 18 years and above). So if you're extremely sensitive, simply don't watch this. This movie contains violence, explicit language, child abuse, prostitution and quite vulgar gay sex scenes.

It's like totally mainstream black metal trash but I'm into it

It's snowing!

I said to Hannes that I would like to find more good music to listen to. And he said to me that it happens like once in a year and since I already found Sturm und drang... Such a pessimist. But I guess I'm just incredibly lucky. I found Fair To Midland. I have known it for a while now but Aleksi said to me that their album sucks so I didn't really listen to it. Until now and they're cool. They keep adding all kinds of magical twists into their songs. It's like totally out there sometimes. It's like Muse mixed with alternative metal and bedtime stories.

And I have started to listen to Dimmu Borgir again. I guess it's definitely something people don't normally expect me to listen to. And it's like totally mainstream black metal (nowadays I've heard it's called as "symphonic extreme metal") trash but I have been into it for years. I even have Dimmu Borgir badge on my jacket sleeve. I know it's not a girly thing to do but I'm not a real lady anyway. And that Timberlake gay makes me yaaaaawn. I like attitude and noise. But only in music though.

It's quite funny how I have started to blog about music even though the whole world knows that I have the worst taste of music ever.

Mild nerd alert

I just suddenly remembered than I'm using Greasemonkey. Greasemonkey is a Firefox extension which "allows you to customize the way a web page displays using small bits of JavaScript". So first you gotta have Firefox and then you gotta get Greasemonkey and then you gotta choose the userscripts you wanna use. But it's still extremely easy.

I heard about Greasemonkey via BlogU when I was searching for some specific Blogger hack. Anyway. There was a post titled "Make your template editor larger" and I was like YES PLEASE. And then I died and went to heaven. It was quite difficult to use the template editor before because it was so small. With "Blogger large template editor user script" it was like using Notepad but with a nice preview button.

OK. Today I searched for more userscripts and below is what I have found so far. I have already tried them all and they're all working fine.

• Mail 2 Gmail: makes mailto links open in Gmail. This is the coolest. You can actually click those links now and send the mail you wanted.

• Gmail Super Clean: Another Gmail script. I have never liked the way the Gmail looked so I didn't really used it much. But with this appearance enhancing userscript I might start using it. It's not like totally awesome but it's definitely an improvement.
  

• Last.fm - Hide "My Radio" + "My Playlist" Sections: If you use Last.fm as I do, you'll probably want to use this userscript too. It makes profile pages to look much cleaner.

• Photobucket Log Me In Already: I use Photobucket nearly daily, so this may save few seconds of my life. I normally go directly to my album anyway. But if accident happens.

You see I got a high score tonight and I just wanna save my game

I feel numb but in a good way. I guess this upcoming winter is making me calmer. Or maybe I'm just getting older. Who knows. Sometimes I think I'm blessed. And sometimes that I'm possessed. I can't tell the difference from where I am standing.

I use Del.icio.us to bookmark things. It's like super when you have two computers and have a bad habit of bookmarking everything interesting enough. Anyway. I still have some really old "old school" bookmarks too and I just clicked some of them randomly. And that's how I bumped into this video:



I have no idea where I have found this video since I never ramble trough Google Videos spontaneously. But I'm glad I saved the link.

I will name you

I'm normally really good with words and stuff but now when I have seriously decided to rename this blog I'm suddenly out of ideas. It's making me really frustrated because it holds back the new design too. Header is like the main part of the blog so it's quite hard to design one if you have like zero ideas about what you're gonna put in it.

I would like the new name to be zillion times more personal than this current one. I should have named this properly when I decided to go vanity blogging on Blogger too. Or maybe better to rename this now when I'm more serious with this. Ever since I stopped metablogging I have been more excited about this blog. I just didn't have enough energy to update both. So I'm not like regretting about quitting though it was a good blog too. At a time it was the only Finnish frequently updated metablog. And that's something.

Blah

It's nearly November. Soon it's going to be cold and dark and wet. I guess I should start to stock tea for the upcoming winter. And few candles too.

I have started to redesign this blog. Now it's official. I was going to recode this anyway so why not redesign too. This takes time though since I'm stuck with my super slow laptop when Aleksi is playing LOTRo and he's playing pretty much all the time. And I need our PC to use Adobe Illustrator. Blah.

I'm not a skanky anorexic bitch

My mom calls me pretty much every Sunday. And every time she tells me that I should eat this and that and just more. It's quite annoying. I'm 21 years old and I have decided myself what to eat since forever and guess what? I'm still alive! And I'm not a skanky anorexic bitch so I would appreciate if I could just eat what I want when I want.

I know that I don't do daily dinners. But I can't understand why it is a such a bad thing since I do eat other stuff a lot. Could someone explain me what happens to a carbohydrate when you warm it? It must be something super cool since it immediately becomes more healthier.

I don't do dinners because when you do you eat plenty of food at one time. And when I eat as much as a dinner requires it makes me feel sick. For the rest of the day. I rather eat only small portions, nearly snacks, but more often. And so I feel good.

Mysterious days

I got two new subscribers on Blogilista. That makes four subscribers all in all. I can understand why some of my friends and relatives read this blog but I just can't understand why all these random (?) people subscribe to me. I bet you don't last long!

/EDIT: Now there is only one new subscriber. Do they push the "add to favourites" button by accident? Or do they just give up on me so quickly? Or maybe I just scare them away simply by saying something negative? So mysterious...

Nerdism is a serious lifestyle

Yesterday I stayed up late watching Zodiac with Aleksi and J.R. and therefore I woke up about 1pm today. I usually wake up between 10am and 12am. It's quite funny how this day is over before it even started. I spent like an hour watching some Drew Barrymore document from TV (you should never open the TV spontaneously) and then I showered myself. And then it took like zillion hours to get ready for the grocery shopping. We finally ate at six.

Anyway. Yesterday I also discussed about different types of nerds with J.R. and now I'm going to blog under the same topic. Just for a little bit. I'm not turning this post to an essay.

So what makes a nerd? Owning a computer? Knowing how to handle one? Not exactly. Nerdism is a serious lifestyle which definitely is not for everyone, it requires an ability to live without a real social life. I'm not saying that all nerds are antisocial and live a life of an hermit. But since nerds happen to have a very close relationship with their computers it's kinda hard to go out there and live at the same time. So a certain level of introvertism is always obligatory to success as a nerd.

But it's not just the personality, it's also what you're into. You should feel passionate about computers and Internet and other technical stuff. So passionate that you simply couldn't live without. And if you're that passionate you have no problem spending all your spare time online. Or whatever nerdy stuff you're into.

And then there are of course different types of nerds. It's just silly to assume that all the nerds are the same. There is actually huge difference between different nerd types. They all share the same passion but the outcome is what defines what each nerd is about.

I call myself as a social girl nerd. Sex matters in this game so that's why add the "girl" in the definition. You could generalize that the most nerdish girl is always less nerd than the least nerdish boy. So I'm really nerd for a girl but if I was a boy all the real nerds would be like laughing at me for being such a lousy nerd. (It's actually quite funny. When I talk to other girls or antinerds they think that I'm a huge nerd. If they only knew.)

And what makes me a social nerd? Because mostly I use computers as a form of communication. I want to connect. I want to take part. I get my kicks from blogs, emails and IM's and pretty much from everything that has something to do with other people. And I talk with my friends mostly online though I could meet them offline as easily.

Latter Days

I haven't write a movie "review" for a while, so I thought it's time to make one. This movie happens to be my all time favourite so I hope you consider watching it.

There are two types of good movies. Some movies are good because of all the money and time they have spent while making it. You know, these Oscar-worthy movies. You go and see them, you feel amazed but afterwards you feel... nothing.

And then there are these movies that weren't supposed to be masterpieces. Just told stories. And sometimes some story hits you hard and changes you. And those movies I call good. It doesn't have to had Scarlet Johansson in it or killer stunts. Sometimes more simple things work.

And Latter Days is one of those more simple movies. It's definitely not a masterpiece but it's something extraordinary. It's a gay romance. Now you're warned. But if you think it's all about gay relationships and that is what makes it so special, you're totally wrong. "It's beautiful. And funny. And good." And a bit heartbreaking too.

Normally I would write something about the plot and characters myself, but this time I use a direct copy from latterdaysmovie.com. I think they say it more clearly:

Christian (Wes Ramsey), a hunky, 20-something, West Hollywood party boy gets more than he bargains for when he tries to seduce 19-year-old Elder Aaron Davis (Steve Sandvoss), a sexually confused Mormon missionary who moves into his apartment complex. When Christian exposes Davis' secret sexual desire, Davis' rejects Christian for being shallow and empty, The encounter shatters each boy's reality and draws the two into a passionate romance that risks destroying their lives. Latter Days is a charming, sexy, and moving tale that will leave you believing in the transformational power of love.

"And what if everything has changed like that... and lions lay down with lambs and colors mix with whites. What if you're the one that I've been waiting for my whole life and I let you go?"

30 minutes

It takes 30 minutes to get bored when you're lonely and have absolutely nothing to do.

Sometimes I think that I'm smarter than I think. But what I think is not so smart when said out loud. Anyway. Today I thought that being an human is, at least for me, an endless search. I'm always searching, mostly to find any kind of connection with someone with similar mind but also for a meaning for my life. I know it's a cliche but I would really like to know what the hell I'm doing here since I happen to loathe living.

It takes 30 minutes to write a shitty blog post.

Aleksi's Birthday

Yesterday was Aleksi's birthday. He turned 23. When did this happen? Last time I checked he was like 18. Sometimes it's hard to believe that we have been together for nearly five years now. Time goes so fast so it's hard to keep track.

When ever we want to celebrate, we go to Marhaba. So yesterday, naturally, we went there for pizzas. Then we walked back to Sello. Aleksi bought a gym shirt and a birthday present for his dad (they have the same date of birth). And I bought a birthday present for Aleksi.

I bought him a G15 gaming keyboard by Logitech. I wanted it too though I'm not into games. I'm into shortcuts and macros. Anyway. It's kinda cool tool and I'm going to review it later.

Egocentric babbling you happen to like

I just spent my day with Elina. Not literally though. We spoke via MSN Messenger. We had some serious girl talk which I enjoyed a lot. All my good friends are boys so I don't talk so often about shoes or make-up or stuff. Though I'm quite boyish I think it is important to look like a girl and you know, understand girls stuff. Life is more than pure geekiness and every now I got to get in touch with my feminine side. But luckily... not often.

Elina is blogging too, actually she has two blogs but she has troubles with updating. It's not easy if you're not as experienced. Anyway. Somehow we end up chatting little bit about blogging too. This is something she said:

mut musta on yllättävää miten usein sä postaat välillä ja silti ne tekstit on ihan kiinnostavia. itte suoltaisin varmana jotain tosi tylsää jos useemmin postaisin

(I think it is surprising how often you post and how your posts are still interesting. I would probably post something very boring if I was trying to post more often.)

It's not easy to post. Specially if you don't have anything going on in your life. But I have blogged for a very long time. I used to be much more into personal blogging when I was younger. For over a year I updated my blog (my first serious one) on a daily basis. And you know how they say that you should write daily if you're serious about writing. I guess I was then though I never wrote a Nobel winning novel. And after that year I kept updating very often. More often than I do now. Anyway. I'm trying to say that I have done my homework. So when I update my blog it happens very naturally. I don't have to push it. If I don't feel like posting, I wont. But of course I always do.

Elina also said this:

sulla on vaa jotenki kiva persoonallinen ääni niissä vaikka ne oiski lyhyitä

(You just have this like personal voice in your post even when they're short)

Seriously? What kind of conspiracy is this? Elina is not the first one who says something like this, I have received at least two comments here saying the pretty much same. Personal voice? You mean this egocentric babbling? Ha!

Dumb blonde 4 life

I got some good news today. There was only one week of work left but my colleague (other monkey who collects stuff) said that our boss said that we can work there pretty much as long as we want. Which is awesome because I really dig the place. Not to mention the free beverages.

I always take the longest way home from work. It's not only because the buss stop of 110t is closer to my work than other buss stops but because I want more time to think before I get home. I know it sounds a bit crazy but for me it's reality. I need to spend a lot of time alone because thinking is my obsession. And it's official. When I was high school I went to shrink like twice (total waste of time by the way) and she said that I have so much problems because I think way too much.

Today I thought that I should use the energy I'm currently spending on thinking to something more meaningful. Let's just face it, I'm not the smartest girl around here. I know a lot of stuff but it's not like stuff that people appreciate. So I could spend more time studying something or at least I could start reading news. I could be aware what is happening around me. Since at the moment I'm only familiar with Mememeland...

BUT.

I don't think it's important to know things like who's the president of Sweden (if there was a president). Trivial things like that have no value in my life since they won't make me happy. And for me the happiness is the aim.

So I guess I have chosen a different path: In my opinion what truly matter is how we live our life and how we treat people around us. I may be a dumb blonde (my other colleague though this was my natural hair colour...) for the rest of my life but I expect people to like me for what I am instead of what I happen to know.

Oh-so

I felt like a second post. Mainly because Hannes is not online.

Hannes said that I have been doing all kind of radical things lately. Which is so not true. I don't know where he get the idea or does he think that I'm even more boring than I am? I doubt that since he knows me well. He would never think that breathing is like totally out there for me.

But it led me to think how people usually get the wrong impression when meeting me. I may seem like a very confident person, but in the reality I'm very insecure and vulnerable. I think that they get the impression because I'm very outspoken. But that's only because I hate everything phony. I think it's better to say things as they are even if it's harsh. And I like talking.

And another wrong impression is if people think that because I'm oh-so-confident and oh-so-talkative I have like oh-so-amazing social life. OK, maybe I do have like someone to live with but it's not like we're having all these great conversations. Definitely not. I hardly ever leave the house, I hardly ever see anyone IRL (mainly because no one invites me anywhere, I would go if someone does so), I hardly ever do anything except when I spend time on my PC/laptop or watch movies... I could say that I have no social life, or even that I have no life at all.

I guess my best talent is convincing. It's easy for me to convince people to believe that I have like everything you could ever hope for. Which I of course don't have.

I hate wrong first impressions. I want people to know the real me. That's why I'm so open about myself. No disappointments or nasty surprises then. Can't blame me.

Blogging it

Today I talked a bit about blogging with J.R. I basically said that I have been blogging for years, which of course is true and that my current blog (this one right here) is very easy to find. He said that he would try, though I'm not sure if he has enough stalking potential to do so. We'll see.

Every time there is a chance that someone I know starts to read my blog, I start to think what this blog is about. Why I blog and what kind of image my blog gives of me. Am I the same as my blog persona? I was really into these thoughts on my way home but now I'm just too tired to write anything smart.

I have always thought this blog as an extension of me. Blogging is simply something I got to do. It's a habit. It defines me. But I always always always keep this very shallow. So I guess it's not possible to get to know me just by reading my blog. Or you should be able to read between lines. What is not there? What is not mentioned here?

Protect yourself from what?

I just bumped into this cool commercial when I was surfing through some blogs and I felt that this is something I should post:



But when I went to ffyr.mtv.com which was mentioned in the commercial all I found was like HIV and AIDS stuff. I found it a bit odd. But I guess it would be "too much" for MTV to be openly pro homosexuality. Or maybe I just misunderstood the message.

Nerdy stuff

My mum is such a nerd. Yesterday she called me and she was oh so excited because she finally learned how to handle the mouse! I'm quite happy that they finally got broadband. It makes my life easier too because now I can talk to my friends and blog when I'm at Viiala. I wonder if my mother could learn some instant messaging as well... or even blogging. Anyway. She said that this nerdy stuff is definitively something she is going to learn. And it makes me wanna go there and teach her.

By the way, we are going to get a new keyboard. I promised to buy one for Aleksi as a birthday present. But I'm going to blog more about it when we actually have it. I just wanted to mention it here since I wrote some other nerdy stuff too.

I don't know what to think about Britney's Gimme More music video. I have started to like the song but the video is just too slutty. She's like a mother of two nowadays so I don't think it's appropriate to do what she does on the video. And Youtube wanted to know if I was 18 before I could watch it.

Note to self

Don't walk. Wait for the buss.

Blogging news

I decided to stop updating my metablog "Terapiaa Blogillesi". I guess I just got bored since I don't feel like writing about blogging anymore. I loved that blog and it was going to make the break any time soon but I guess it's better to stop now than later.

Anyway. I have been thinking about redesigning this blog. And I have been thinking about renaming this as well. But when I really think about it I'm not so sure anymore. I have had this name and design for a very long time, but in some strange way I'm really attached to this as it is.

Decisions, decisions.

Only A-list VIP super cool and just like me friends

I had my Birthday "party" yesterday. Hannes and J.R. came over and we played the Amazeing Labyrinth (I love this one), the Master Labyrinth, Skip-Bo and Trivial Pursuit. I only won one game but I'm not so into winning, especially when I'm the host. I had a lot of fun and I can tell that the boys were enjoying too. This is something that we all have to do again. And again.

I've been reading Szilvias blog. And now you probably wonder who the hell is Szilvia and why I keep mentioning her. But she's my friend and she's a blog lover and she blogs too so I think there are plenty of reasons to keep mentioning her. Anyway. Se wrote that she's not so good at making friends. This is a quote from her blog:

In the past 4 years I have became quite good in making friends. I have found real friends, and nice ones. But one aspect of my mother's influence still remained: I can still lose my faith if someone not behaves right, (eg, my friend can have a bad day too), and does something differently, and I can get hurt so easily, and begin to doubt the whole thing. So there is still place for improving. But I am doing better and better.

Dear Szilvia, I'm so happy that you wrote that! I have wrote something similar too in the past:

Yesterday I learned who my real friends are. I'm glad that things turned out this way. I wonder why people don't get this right. There is nothing complicated in this really. If you try to fuck with me, it's bye bye baby. I don't tolerate lying, I don't tolerate bad behavior. If you want to be my friend you better act like one too.

But it's just so true. I can loose my trust in a blink of an eye and I guess that then there is nothing in the world to get it back. I just want to trust. I don't mess with people so I expect people not to mess with me. I'm into honesty. I rather have no friends at all than have friends who cannot be trusted. I know it's harsh but I can't see any other way. Well, I've heard that there is this forgiving but I guess it's hard to do if no one apologies. And usually it goes that way.

And now to the happier things. Unlike Szilvia, I have always been good at making friends. My problem is that there is only very few people I like to befriend. I don't want B-list friends, only A-list VIP super cool and just like me friends. They're hard to catch, you can bet! But I'm blessed to have the skill though.

But I'm bad at keeping friends. And I guess that Szilvia is only one who's going to read this trough. And not because she's interested but because she wants to count how many times I have mentioned her.

Twentysomething

It is my birthday today. I'm 21 years old now. I don't know what to do with these years. I never grow up. It's just waste of time. I still feel like a child. I still need someone to look after me.

My mother send me a text message. It said "Happy Birthday to a 22-year old". I was like "thanks mom but I'm turning 21". But all the other messages were very nice.

And I'm throwing a small birthday party. All my (2) friends are invited and they are all coming. I'm going to ask J.R. too but I'm not sure if he's interested at all. But four is always better than three when you're playing board games so it's worth a chance.

Aleksi gave me a bath robe. I asked for a new one so I was pleased.

The Bourne Ultimatum

Yesterday we went to see the Bourne Ultimatum. Aleksi wanted to see it and I had nothing against it. And we got the tickets for free. It was a treat from my aunt.

The Bourne Ultimatum is the last movie of a trilogy (I hope I got this right). I was never so excited about the two first ones. Mainly because I saw them with crappy subtitles and on our own TV. But basically I'm totally into action movies. And for me the Bourne Ultimatum is like an ultimate action movie but with more complicated plot.

There is this guy called Bourne and some bad people messed with his mind and eventually he becames a total mess. And then he breaks free and tries to hide from those guys. But then they kill his girlfriend and he wants revenge. And in this last movie he is about to end it all. I like how it is made as a trilogy even though you could deal all these things in one movie too.

I have never really liked Mat Damon though he's a very good actor indeed. He's just not my type since he always lacks a lot of sympathy. Anyway. He hardly says a word in this movie. He just kills people who come to his way or looks serious. And in my honest opinion Julia Stiles is ugly and can't really act. But though it has these two actors in leading roles I find it very enjoyable to watch.

OK. Maybe I shouldn't babble this much. I'm totally putting you off the mood.

So the actors are quite from the B-list what comes to my taste but the plot is very thick. And it looks so good it nearly hurts. I'm totally into movies that look like self recorded and have all these warm colours. Action movies can be artsy too.

Here is a trailer for you: