Dragonfly

It's been a while since I posted. I honestly don't know why I am so tired nowadays. I keep on skipping lectures and neglecting all the housework. I try not to blame the autumn. It's my favourite season, for God's sake. I'm even going to have my birthday really soon. Anyway.

I'm starting this post about what happened on Wednesday:

I had school. Skipped some lectures. The same old boring shit. Anyway. I met Virpi. We, of course, went to Ooster. It's my (our) favourite place to hang out and spend some time together. We drank tea, as usually, and smoked a lot. I dare to say that here because I have already said it once. It's not secret anymore, I guess. It was our first time in this month and it was a lot of joy. I can't understand people who smoke regularly, what's the fun then?

So we chatted and laughed. I was quite surprised when I later realized that Virpi didn't mention her My Little Pony collection at all. I mentioned my "hobby", Glamour Magazine, like zillion times.

I came home late. I was really tired. Nearly went straight to bed. But I decided to watch some document about anorexia instead. I couldn't woke up next morning so I once again skipped some lectures.

And now on this is some randoms shit:

I have new shoes. I have had them for a while, I just forget to post about them. They're Ecco shoes. Very comfortable, very expensive. Luckily it was my aunt who buy them.

I definitely need new clothes.

And yesterday I found this dragonfly from our balcony:



Aleksi came home and he is definitely disturbing my concentration, so I stop here. More later.

Volver

Yesterday I went to movies with Aleksi. Normally we watch movies at our home, so it was quite nice for a change. The movie was called "Volver" (Return). I have always liked Almodóvars films and this one was no exception. The plot was very exciting and thrilling. I'm not a special fan of Penélope Cruz, but she did her leading role amazingly well.

This is a plot summary from IMDB:

Raimunda lives in Madrid with her daughter Paula and her husband Paco who's always drunk. Her sister Sole is separated and work clandestinely as a hairstylist for women. The two sisters lost their parents in a fire in La Mancha their birth village years ago. In the village remains only their aunt Paula that continue to speak about her sister Irene, mother of the two, like if she is still alive. When the old aunt die the situation change and the past come back again, in a twist of mystery and suspense.

I definitely recommend this film to everyone.

Wrong Hair

I was a bit tired earlier. It's not a surprise. Anyway. I decided to go to a Sello, even though it was about 17.30 and all the stores close at 18.00. But I had 30 minutes. I went to H&M since it happens to be one of my favourite stores (because it's cheap enough). I tried on all those very fashionable items, but they all looked quite ridiculous on me. It was because of two reasons:

1. I have gained weight again. Not much, but enough that some clothes don't fit properly
2. Because of my hair. I definitely do not have a decent haircut. I don't even have a haircut. And I still have this very dull used-to-be-red color on them. I should got my hair cut and then redyed.

That's all.

Blogilista

I'm a member of the Finnish Blogilista. It makes me quite depressed because my blogs aren't just as popular as I would like them to be. "It's About Lindsay" is doing quite well. It got like two subscribers. This one got none which does not surprise me. I don't know if this is ever going to even have any. I mean, after all, this blog is not so interesting as it could be.

But still a half of my readers (of this blog) come from Blogilista because I have used clever keywords such as: fashion, jogging, relationship and weight loosing. Everybody is interested.

Most of "It's About Lindsay" readers seem to come from News America Now. It makes me excited. Some of them also come from Irc-Galleria, which is not so cool, but still OK.

And how do I know this? It's because I use Blogpatrol. And it's even more depressing than Blogilista but it gives me hope: At least there are about 5-15 visitors per day per blog. It's something for me.

I just wondered if my "It's About Lindsay" blog is a bit freaky. I'm like twenty and I'm totally obsessed. She's just so fabulous, beautiful, talented and funny. I can't stand people who don't like her. She changed my life. Yes. It's freaky, and geeky.

Tired

I'm tired. Even though I just slept fro several hours. I went to bed almost immediately when I came home from school. I just had no other choice than sleep. I didn't slept well last night. I had this school thing I had to do and I somehow kept doing it even though it was really late. And I had to get up about 6am.

I would like to go back to bed, or doing something relaxing, but unfortunately I have to do dishes. How very glamorous (sad).

Something About Music

I grew up listening to classical music. It was 100% my choice. It was not like my parents wanted me to be a some kind of child prodigy. They were actually quite annoyed with the fact that I didn't like "normal music". Most of the kids listened to Spice Girls or such, but I hardly knew who they were (until later when they were already out). So even nowadays, when my musical taste had became quite bad, I have this huge collection of classical CD's. Some of them I have never even listened to. I just kept receiving them.

I used to go to see operas with my aunt. She paid, naturally. I loved it. I have never watch operas on TV. It's not the same thing. It definitely something you have to see live. Anyway. That led me to like Sarah Brightman and Charlotte Church. Both I still adore very much. They both have very magical voices. But it somehow bothers me that Charlotte totally changed her image from "teen angel" to "crazy chick". But she's still very talented. By the way, this is worth watching for.

I don't know what I'm into these days. I listen to music almost daily, but I don't have any special favourites. I use Last.fm, so Ican easily point out whatI have listened mostly. So here is my Last.fm top ten chart.



Somehow it does not look good, and it does not even make so much sense. I don't remember when was the last time I listened to Jack Johnson, for example. I have listened to Lindsay Lohan, Charlotte Church and Christina Aguilera lately, though.

I don't know what this post was supposed to be about. It seems to be about Charlotte Chuch. Love her.

Qué Tal

Today I was supposed to start studying Spanish again. I went there and I was quite excited. It's been a while since I studied it last time, even though I have studied it a lot. But before I even sat down, I found out that I had terribly wrong books. I was aware that those books were supposed to be reissues, but I thought that the difference was something like they changed a word in the page 10 and it wouldn't matter that I had a little bit older books. My books are from 2001-2002 and I know that the following versions were almost the same. So I though... But no. There are completely new issues from this year, which have nothing in common with my books.

So I spoke with the teacher and she said that I can't be there without books and my older books just can't do. She also said that everybody has to buy books because she has been making them and she wants money. I was like "whatever fucker". Anyway. Those books are expensive. I just checked that together they would cost something about 55-60 euros. It's a lot for a poor student like me. So I said to her that I quit. She could strike out my name straight away. And so she did. That was my Spanish studying for this year. It sucks.

When I was coming back home I met my aunt. She said she could buy me those books, but I said no. I know it's quite crazy, but she is going to buy me shoes (as soon as I can find some shoes I want) and she's taking me out to eat and such. I can't expect her to pay everything big for me. I'm not a child anymore. I guess. And I somehow boycott how they mare all those reissues all the time. I mean, some things just don't get old. I mean, how could Spanish language get so old that they had to make a completely new book about it? How? They just want money. And I'm not giving any if I really don't have to.

As I mentioned above, my aunt is really going to buy me shoes. It's just very hard to find a perfect pair. It can take months. So today I was looking for a shoes again. After that Spanish disaster. I went to this shop and there was a very wide selection. But once again, nothing caught my eye. Too much heels on every shoes. I don't want heels and I don't want boots of any kinds.

I'm not trying to scare you, but these are my current shoes. I have had them for years, and I have used them - for years:



Feel free to enlarge.

Yesterday I bough a pashmina scarf. It was on sale (5e). It was very difficult to choose the colour. I battled between violet, peacock blue and gold. This one won.





(Of course I wont match this top and that scarf together in a real life.)

"I like you, but I don't love you"

I have started to disgust myself. It's probably just this typical used-to-be-bullied-girl syndrome haunting me. I just feel that I'm never enough. That there is always something that could be better in my appearance. Like I could be slimmer, I could cut and dye my hair, I could use contact lenses instead of glasses...

I just would like to feel beautiful. At least for a one day. I'm tired of being "pretty" or "cute". They are not synonyms. It's like "love" and "like"; "I like you, but I don't love you", "You're pretty, but you are not beautiful".

It is not much to ask, but it seems to be impossible. I have tried, and I have tried quite hard. But I can never be even near beautiful. And it somehow depresses me. I know I should be happy about myself. At least I'm not completely blind, I'm not overweight, I have few quite nice clothes, I have long hair (even though without any decent haircut or colour), I don't have cellulite (as far as I know), I don't have acne or any other visible disease... Plenty of reasons. But I only see what is wrong in me.

Couple weeks ago while I was in Viiala I wrote a list. As I had no better things to do. Anyway. I wrote this list about things I would like to change in me. And it was a long one. It was not only about my appearance, but it also included lifestyle, studying, activities and relationships. I have not looked it up since, because I know that none of those things have not come true.

I know that I should just give up; accept the fact that I am what I am. And I'm nothing but mediocre and I will never be more.

Hordeolum

I'm going to be very studious this week, since I skipped most of the last week. There is just the problem that I like already skipped a lecture. And I don't have school tomorrow nor Friday. So it's not actually much to do. But hey! There is a bigger possibility to success and actually participate in all the remaining lectures. School is hard. It's hard to get here, it's hard to stay there, and it's surprisingly hard to get out there.

I'm having problems with my online dictionary. My regular dictionary decided to fire itself, and it is no longer letting me in. And then I had this second one, but it is pretty much impossible (pure laziness) to reach when working on laptop. So I'm using whatever I can find. Mostly "Ilmainen Sanakirja". It's OK, but it is just not as comprehensive as I have used to have before.

I was really surprised today when I turned on TV. It was 20.30 and the channel was four. So it was time for 70's Show. I don't normally watch that even though I think it is quite funny and smart. Anyway. I almost immediately learned that Lindsay Lohan was quest starring it, and as pretty much everyone know, I happen to like her a lot. So it kind of made my day.

For a couple of days I have had this small sty (hordeolum) in my eye (this is not the reason why I got antibiotics). It was extremely painful but it is getting better. I gave it that warm cloth treatment today. It really worked and I know it will get better soon. I just wonder how I suddenly happen to have all these problems with my face. Yes, this is extremely interesting.

Finally

I slept really late today. It does not matter since it's Sunday, and Sunday is for sleeping, eating and relaxing.

Yesterday it finally happened. We have been expecting this for a long time. We went to Marhaba, our very favourite pizza place on earth. We always take the same pizzas. So like usually, Aleksi ordered us number five, Romana, and number 11, Calzone, with some extra fillings. We went to sit our regular table and took our regular drinks (Pepsi). And when the pizza guy brought as our pizzas, he asked no questions. He finally learned that the Romana is always for me, and that the Calzone is always for Aleksi.

We go there about once in a week if possible. So it was about a time.

Days Like These

I don't know what to do with days like these. It's Friday. It should be like the second best day in the week. To me they have always been like the most boring. I'm usually alone at home and I just can't get myself entertained.

Don't get me wrong. There is like plenty of things I could do here. I'm just too apathetic to do anything. I don't feel like doing anything. I start to do things but then I just give up. I just can't get the kick out of it. So I'm just waiting for Aleksi to come to be here with me, or the moment I can finally go to sleep. Anything that pulls me away from this dullness and solitude.

I don't complain.

I'm just bored. Which is probably my basic feeling. Anyway. I can't help it since this is my life, and I have done pretty much everything to make it better, but things just wont change.

It's called "giving up".

Kefexin

So I went to see a doctor. He was really nice. He pushed my face with his finger couple times and send me to a lab to be tested. I went to the lab and they take the test they needed. It was clear: no inflammation. The doctor still prescribed me some antibiotics for a week. And all this took over an hour. Why can't they just sell antibiotics without prescriptions. It would be so much easier. I know I needed them, and I got them. Anyway. The doctor said it will be ok, but if it not, and it is going worst during the weekend, I should go to the emergency duty. Otherwise I can wait and ask more antibiotics. But I believe it is going to heal since my face is not as swelled anymore and now I even have some serious drugs to take.

Problem (Not) Solved

So during this day I have done some serious researching over the Internet. I know now what causes my swelling. Since it is not anything so very big, interesting or even infectious, I leave it here. You don't want to know any details. Trust me.

But I definitely need to see a doctor. I need some antibiotics or such. I'm not going to school tommorrow either since my face is still very swelled. It's kinda creepy. I pray it calms down over the weekend. It has to. Or otherwise I fulfill my threat to move in to a steeple.

And I'm seriously learning new words here. I mean just writing this one single post I have learned two words: infectious, and steeple. It's not so record-breaking, but multiply that with all my posts and notice that normally I use even more than two new words.

But I should polish my grammar, though. English has always been one of my favourite subjects at school, but I'm not so good following rules.

Swelled

I'm sick. Or at least I'm looking quite sick.

This morning I woke up and I had this strange feeling in my face. I went to bathroom, just to notice that half of my face was swelled. It wouldn't have been a bid deal, but after a shower it went even worst. I looked pretty much like The Hunchback of Notre Dame. And I'm not kidding.



So I decided to stay home. But my face is still as swelled as it was on the morning. I know that I should probably see a doctor or something, but I don't know how to. If I was in Viiala my mother would have told me what to do. But here there is nobody to tell me what to do and to help me. So I just try to wait and see if it gets any better. And if it's not, I'm moving to a cathedral.

Sometimes I really hate to be adult. I don't cope with these kind of issues. And I was pretty much raised to avoid doctors, anyway.

Random Facts

I don't know what is going on. I just posted something and now I feel like posting again. I'm becoming addicted. This time I want to share five random (but still useful) facts about me. I thought this could be a cool thing to do. So I do it. Now.

1. I have had a tumour in my face area when I was a child. It can recur.
2. I was bullied at school for about (4-)6 years until I moved away.
3. I'm not a nice person. Honestly.
4. I tend to smoke every once in a while, but I'm totally against alcohol.
5. I sing "Hotel California" in the shower when I'm alone at home.
   

Enough Said

I went back to H&M today. To see that violet leopard cardigan again. I seriously thought it would have been nice. But this time I really tried it on. Last time I tried it over my sweater. This time I tried it on a thin tee. And it was not cool. It was itchy and the sleeves were too saggy for me (it was sized 36, but 34 would probably have been too tight from the middle). The quality of it was a bit questionable too.

This fashion thing is really confusing. I remember the times when I had no clue about it. I just tried to copy what those "popular" girls used to wear (with bad or non-existing results). I entered to this girl world only a little while ago. I have always (since 98 actually) liked Lindsay Lohan, and when I started to read stuff about her and to see her pictures, I started also to check what she was wearing. And little later my friend told me about the Glamour Magazine, which totally hooked me. It's much more than just fashion, but the fashion sections are my favorites.

So at the moment I am very aware of the whole fashion thing. I know what is "in" and what is "out". I know what is a "must have" and what is a total "no-no". But knowledge isn't everything. No matter how hard I try, I don't know what I should wear. I mean, seriously, most of those "high" fashion things that are OK in London or so, are not OK here. Everything should be damped down, and I don't know how to do it, and still look "chic".

And I'm a student. And quite frugal too. I can only buy my clothes from H&M or any similar stores because I like to buy quality cosmetics. I know that H&M got a bit bad reputation around here, but all my favourite clothes are from there, and they are still unbroken and in good shape. I really would like to dig in to this fashion thing, but I should have like a mentor or something first. I just suck alone.

I normally stick to just one outfit per time. Just now it is: black v-neck tee under a black v-neck sweater, nearly skinny jeans (they're not as tight as they could/should be, but I have always thought them as a skinny jeans, even though they are probably more just straight ones), and a black scarf with silver lines. Shoes used to be brown flat ones, but I broke them yesterday, so now I use this outfit with brown sandals with wedge heels. Both quite vintage from my mother, so is my black leather bag. Hair I have started to put on the side, it's like the easiest hairdo ever. I also like to use bronze/brown eye-shadows and pendants to polish the look even more. I know this is quite typical (and boring) solution, but it think it works fine with me. Or at least I believe so.

Enough said.

Hood-Vest-Thing

So I went to Sello. To "shop", which in my language means pretty much same as "spending time, but not money". I found few items I liked.

First of all I liked this cardigan. As you all know, leopard pattern is quite trendy at the moment, but this is just not as wild. It's more like very damped and delicated version. I also like the shape. I used to have quite similar shaped cardigan which I liked a lot, but unfortunately I managed to shrink it.

The next item is a mini skirt. I'm not a mini person, but there was few very shirt skirts I liked, and which I thought would look very good with opaque tights and wedges (but I don't have opaque tights, nor wedges). It was not similar with the picture. Pattern was quite similar, but it was bigger. The hem was also more loose, and there was a wide rib in the hip.

I also liked this very weird hood-vest-thing made of artificial fur. I am really sorry that I could find any picture of such cloth. It really was something. It's not my style (like I have a style), but it was really warm and comfortable.

Stuff. Stuff. Stuff.

I knew this was coming. I overslept this morning. I have done it like million times. I use my cell as an alarm clock. So my cell alarms. I press the "snooze" button and put the cell at my side. And I fall asleep again. And in some point during ten minutes I roll on my cell. And when it alarms, I can't hear it and finally I push some button with my body and it stops. It's always the same story.

But I decided to go to my second lecture. It was that same boring lecture again. I have no idea why I went there. I once again understood nothing. I made a sudoku puzzle for a while, but then I made some mistake and gave up since I couldn't track down which number sucked.

Today I have planned to go to a library. It's very near, so it's not a big deal. I had this book reserved and I have to pick that up. I'm a bit shamed for because it's an Everwood book. A juvenile book. Definitely a juvenile book. And I'm nearly twenty. But I heard they were OK and I love Everwood.

And I also thought that I could go shopping. Since Aleksi is paying for the food, I have even more money to spend. But I'm not so very good at spending, so in the end of the month there is usually about (50-)80% left of my so called budget. And there is like lots of things I like need. Like clothes. Shoes. Socks. Underwear. Make-up. Cosmetics. Books. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff.

Travel Card

There is this one think I don't like about living in Espoo. It's that I go to school in Helsinki. It costs more. I just loaded 103 days to my travel card and it was about 125 euros. It would be only half of it if I lived and studied in a same city. And there is only a few kilometers to the city limit.

Unbelievable Shoes

Part One:

I bought shoes. I know I'm going to regret it later, but at the moment I'm totally loving them. I bought them for several reasons:

a) They are black
b) They got high heels
c) They make my feet look so much smaller
d) They are quite trendy
e) They make me feel more adult
f) Aleksi loved them too

And these are the reasons which probably make me regret:

a) They were quite expensive since I'm not going to wear them so often (44e)
b) They are not quality shoes, not even real leather (from Dinsko)
c) They are a bit tight and I worry that they may be way too tight after all
d) I can't walk on heels anyway and I will probably break some of my bodyparts when trying it

Part Two:

So they were way too tight. I wear them for like 15 minutes and my feet just died. I went back to the store to change them. That other pair was way too big, but at least it didn't hurt. I decided to take them even though it meant that I would have to wear thicker socks.

I went back to home. I put them on, and I realized that there was that quite big scratch on the side. I looked it for a while, and finally I decided it's not OK. I went back to the store once again. To change them again. But there was only one pair more, and it was even more scratched. I looked those shoes for a minute, and then I made the final decision. I gave up. I returned them for good.

But they were perfect. They just weren't meant to happen to me. And that salesgirl probably laughed at me inside. I don't care. I don't want shoes that don't fit, or which look as they were already used.

The shoe haunt will continue.