Saturday, December 24, 2016

Another Christmas

And once again another family Christmas is spent. My family is very dysfunctional but I still love them all in my own way. I didn't get to choose them and they definitely did not choose me. Sometimes I wish I could simply swap my my family, apart from my younger big sister maybe. She has always been my favorite. Probably because she is the underdog of our family, kinda like me. She is the underdog and I am the black sheep.

I find family dynamics pretty fascinating though, I guess that is one of the reasons why I don't hate my family. They are dysfunctional indeed, all of them, but they are also pretty interesting personalities. I moved away from my family when I was fifteen and since then I have been more like an outsider than an active member of my family. It is sad but it also gives me certain perspective. They always have some kind of drama going on with each other, but I don't have to be part of it. I just hear the gossip though my mother or my underdog sister and sit back and enjoy it.

In a way I don't consider them to be my real family. It is hard to explain. They are my parents and my sisters are my sisters but because I am away so much and only speak to my mom regularly, they feel more like some distant relatives than my immediate family. I consider my boyfriend, my roommates and our dogs as my real family. Sometimes I even feel more close to my coworkers than to my family. I see them more often, I speak to them more freely and they know me better than my family. I guess that is also why I love my commune lifestyle, it just gives me the sense of real family its own way.

I think I am more happy now than ever before. I feel like I have finally achieved something I have been longing for so long. I have always felt like I am missing a family, but now I finally have something I can call as a family. Our commune certainly has that vibe going on. I feel like I am the mother and my boyfriend is the daddy, and I do all the motherly chores and take care of others. our lovely long-haired teenage daughter that is still a little dependent or us, and M.R. is more like our adult child who longer needs us, being completely independent and all, but who still chooses to live her family for financial reasons. Yes, it's more of a family than anything I have ever had before.

Friday, December 16, 2016

The reluctance

Over a year ago I met my old school friend by accident. I had not seen her for years, I think it had been like seven years since I had seen her the last time. But there she was, suddenly, in the same train with me. We quickly chatted, shared quick updates about our lives, ans agreed to stay in touch and meet up again.

Well. I am not exactly good at organizing things. All I ever want to do is to stay home with my boyfriend. I don't want to go outside my own little home. And she was bad at organizing things as well. Whether she was too busy or I was too busy or it was simply too cold to meet up. So eventually it just slipped away and I let it slip. It was me who stopped responding to her messages.

And I've always been that way. I like the idea of having friends but I never want to actually see those so called friends. It's too much trouble. I am seriously happy that my best friends works in the same team with me so I get to see him all the time during my office hours. I can't even imagine how rarely we would actually meet if we didn't work together.

And as much as I like the idea of having friends I also miss my old friends. Old colleagues, old school mates, old best friends, ex everything. I often feel like reaching out to them, trying to catch up, trying to meet up. But the reason why I don't do that is that I actually don't want to do it. Not really. I like the idea inside my head but the reality of sitting in front of something you lost contact long time ago is kinda dreadful. I simply hate small talk and I feel relieved whenever I eventually lost connection with someone. One person less to keep in touch with, yay.

Sometimes I wonder where this all ends up. I am indeed a human and I need to have connection with others. I am too social to be an actual  hermit. But I want to keep my social circle as small as possible. I am perfectly happy sharing my life with my boyfriend. I am perfectly happy that the two people I see outside my romantic relationship are my two roommates sneaking in or out their own rooms. What I am trying to say is that I move on, constantly. I move on and leave people behind and move on and on. I think it is normal, I am sure it is. But I feel like nobody in my life really stays forever. They come and then they go. And I let them go, I happily let them go. I am happy when they are gone because it's a lot less work.

And I wonder if it is some form of laziness. The reluctance to make effort to keep in touch with people. Should I make more effort? I just don't know how. I am way too busy doing absolutely nothing. These are just some things I ponder inside my head. Having friends and being too busy for them. Maybe I should join Facebook? Is that how normal people do it?

Monday, December 12, 2016

Professionally stuck

I have finally grown up, at least to a certain point. My own career finally interests me. It's not about having a job now, it's about professional growth. I am tired of being stuck in an entry-level job, tired of repeting the same tasks over and over again every day. I feel like I need to move somewhere, to get somewhere eventually.

I love my current job and the company I work in. The problem is that there is nowhere to go, and therefore no future. There is no real career path there. Where I am now is where I will be forever. And I don't want to do the same kind of work forever, I already feel that I have been doing it forever.

I have been fortunate enough to explore my passion at work, to figure out what it is that I really enjoy doing. And I think I have a pretty solid picture now. The problem is that I just don't know how to get there. I lack the proper education but also the necessary experience. There is no other way to describe the feeling than "it sucks". It sucks to realize that you have been doing your entire life the wrong thing. I went to the wrong school, studied the wrong things, took the wrong job, ended up in a hole that might be just a bit too deep to get out. It doesn't prevent me from trying though.

Nothing does.

I'll keep on networking, applying for different kind of jobs, trying to get every experience I can. Maybe eventually I get there, or at least somewhere.